tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82522623884160875472024-03-18T23:13:25.938-04:00Masculine JewIsh Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.comBlogger176125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-4948765458836764772014-11-03T21:44:00.000-05:002014-11-03T21:56:27.041-05:00A Part of Me<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7BCdT_WRQORwOuHeSo_h9nIi88n3DRizOjSQqZVcJw8SgwiORI3I11yJMDF2x1eS8NNcwq2Fb4MU1-WWpPH34Dr7h5Yg41Ko_cC8J6mFwRcpCKZDQcu8ktL6GfAE-yajxggvo-UZEo8A/s1600/Silly+Face.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7BCdT_WRQORwOuHeSo_h9nIi88n3DRizOjSQqZVcJw8SgwiORI3I11yJMDF2x1eS8NNcwq2Fb4MU1-WWpPH34Dr7h5Yg41Ko_cC8J6mFwRcpCKZDQcu8ktL6GfAE-yajxggvo-UZEo8A/s1600/Silly+Face.jpeg" height="200" width="198" /></a>Most kids have silly moments, and some kids are silly by nature. I made the silly-by-nature kids seem serious. In the five hundred or more pictures that were taken during my childhood, I had a normal smile in roughly two of them. The rest consisted of every possible set of muscular contortions that a face could accomodate -amounting to a set of odd, asymmetrical, eyebrow-raising/smushing, cheek warping faces that still make me wonder what mood I could have been in to inspire such facial acrobatics.<br />
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I always had a silly comment on my tongue -the kind that always seems completely tangential from outside, but made sense in my brain, or if you'd spent the past day (or week) with me. In those days, I used a lot of shorthand -single words to replace entire jokes, references, or phrases. I had a million and one voices which I used frequently for everyday activities. At some point when I was seven, I seriously considered becoming a voice actor for cartoons -well, as seriously as any kid my age was about becoming a firefighter, astronaut, or president. I'm fairly certain that I had fewer than a handful of serious bones in my body.<br />
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Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), as I got older much of it faded away. Some kinds of humor transfer well into the grown-up world, though people tend not to respond very well to seemingly random, out of place, and silly words, phrases, or voices. They don't have a place in the adult world. Neither did my funny bones, so as I grew I lost them. After a while I forgot that I could produce the screeches, squawks, dings, bungs, and flongs of my childhood. There's little space for non-sequitur, ridiculous, shenanigans of the like my childhood was made of.<br />
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Of course change is often gradual, so I didn't really notice. It seemed like a natural part of growing up and becoming a respectable adult in society. After a time, I forgot there ever was a part of me that was so silly, that nonsense syllables could be hilarious and meaningful, or that Dr. Seuss's books embodied so much of what I never wanted to let go of as a child and be as an adult. I forgot what it is like to laugh so hard I needed to make a serious conscious effort to inhale. I forgot how much being silly is such a part of the youthful me, a part of my inner child that needs nourishing as much as my adult body. I let go of ever being that way again. </div>
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And then I met someone who brought all of that back into my world. We have our own little universe where all the silliness of my childhood has found a home again (along with serious conversations, stories and anecdotes about ourselves, our families, beliefs, and much, much more). I had never expected that part of myself -from such a different time in my childhood -to find a place in my life again. Not only that, I didn't realize how much I missed it until it became part of the adult me. It's amazing how something I had forgotten about and found again unexpectedly made me feel so alive and whole. <br />
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Seeing that mirrored in another person, in a relationship, is beyond thrilling. My abs are constantly sore (just like when I was a kid) because we spend more than half our time together laughing hysterically. I found a lost treasure, one that lights up my life.<br />
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<br />Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-42076868220701905732014-10-06T00:20:00.000-04:002014-10-06T00:20:24.371-04:00Can't Find a Date? Date Your Shadchan! I was talking to several wonderful women about shidduch dating and online dating, when one of them blurted out that her shadchan hadn't set her up in months. Another one chimed in, and soon there was a chorus of complaints about how both shidduch dating and online dating is imbalanced and unfair.<br />
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I grant that, as a man, I have been privileged and have more dating opportunity by nature of the system and (perceived) crisis. I am willing to accept that has certainly been part of my dating experience, though there are parts of me that would like to vehemently argue that I've got my own merits and work hard on cultivating my character and honing my dating/relationship skills.<br />
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Then an idea struck me, one that seemed intuitive to me but perhaps didn't seem very common. When I was more involved in shidduch dating, and even online dating with websites that used shadchanim, I often made contact with the shadchan. Whenever possible I walked into her office (<i>I chose a shadchan who was as local as possible for this reason specifically</i>) and sat down to chat about her work and passions, to talk about my values, and genuinely cultivated a connection. My impulse was to generate a connection and to listen to the shadchan's thoughts about issues in dating, issues in her work, and even sometimes talk about our personal lives (<i>gasp!</i>) outside of dating.<br />
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So I asked two of the women when they had last called and had a conversation with their shadchan, and how often they just got together to talk about their respective lives. When I encouraged them to do so at least once or twice a week, perhaps even setting time aside to get together with their shadchan, one of them immediately replied, "I'm in medical school, I don't have time for that!"<br />
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My reply was immediate: "well, then you probably don't have much time to date guys either." At first, she was very taken aback.<br />
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"What?" She snapped at me. "Of course I would make time for that."<br />
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Then I had to backtrack and explain. The time she would spend dating someone and talking to a date she really likes may be spent developing a deeper connection with the shadchan. It has the benefit and consequence of being on the shadchan's mind more, who will in turn be more personally invested in her dating life and motivated to find a shidduch. Someone else added that the shadchan will also learn more about our values and what we are looking for, so she would be able to offer better suggestions.<br />
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A lot of shadchanim have so many people to set up it is hard to be so invested in them all. Make yourself the one she's most invested in. Give her a ring. Ask about her family. Take her out to dinner if that's what it takes.<br />
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Some things I have done and would consider doing include:<br />
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* Texting to find a time to talk, perhaps even a regular weekly time.<br />
* Asking about her interests, hobbies, and family. Especially children and/or grandchildren.<br />
* Listen and pay attention to her feelings. Sometimes a shadchan feels harried, pestered, or stressed by myself, other daters, or other aspects of her life like work, family, or community issues. Sometimes just listening or letting a shadchan vent is a small but important way to reciprocate and show we care about them too.<br />
* Be aware and sensitive not to make every moment of each conversation all about myself. It is exhausting to think about having to constantly take care of someone else every time we hear from them, and shadchanim may somteimes feel this way about the singles they set up. We are a lot of work and can be a handful!<br />
* Writing a letter or thank-you card. In a pinch, an email will do, but it is really important to feel and share my gratitude and appreciation for the time that is spent thinking about me and other singles. The more personal the touch, the better it conveys how I feel. It can make quite an impression!<br />
* Treat her to a thank-you dinner sometime.<br />
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I know that it's probably a bit awkward for a guy to take his shadchan to dinner (especially if the shadchan is a married female), and that a lot of guys just take it for granted that we get handed more suggestions. But guys aren't the only ones who should be asking their shadchanim out for dinner. The best way to stand out is to develop a closer connection with the shadchan.<br />
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If everyone put in the work in connecting more deeply with their shadchan there would be a lot more overwhelmed shadchanim. That being said, I also believe that cultivating a deeper connection results in more investment and more thought about those we are connected to, leading to both better quality and more frequent suggestions, resulting in better opportunity overall.<br />
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<br />Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-84614074315063392072014-09-28T21:04:00.002-04:002014-09-28T21:06:26.753-04:00Find Inspiration, Make a Plan, and Watch it FailSometimes, I revel in ironic shock at the sheer number of things that must converge for a moment to occur -the type of moment that jolts my attention, sends an electric bolt through my mind, stirs my heart, and instantly forms the resolve in my soul: I will find a way meet and get to know her.<br />
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The rest is a confluence of meticulous planning, some smoothness, and a serious dose of what could either be called arbitrary luck or the hand of God.<br />
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Sometimes, you look across a dimly lit room, lock eyes with a gorgeous woman, and feel butterflies in your stomach. That day, the room was bright, she had just ended a ridiculously long work day, and didn't look back at me. I later found out that she felt sweaty, disgusting, and exhausted. I was nowhere near her radar, though I was aware of her from the moment she stepped into the goodbye party for our mutual friend.<br />
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That was the moment I started calculating. I know I've talked about preferences before (<a href="http://masculinejew.blogspot.com/2011/12/men-101-looks.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://masculinejew.blogspot.com/2012/06/ten-questions-i-hate-and-suggestions.html" target="_blank">here</a>), yet it still caught me off guard when I encountered someone who immediately seemed to fit so much of my "type." Every cog in my brain was turning with the express goal of inserting myself into a conversation, finding an appropriate moment and method of introduction, making a point of connection. While the inside of my head churned furiously, I waited patiently. I joined other conversations with friends while very intently paying attention to my peripheral vision. I cannot remember the last time I multitasked so strenuously that my mouth was on autopilot while my brain was in a completely different zone.<br />
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She was having a conversation by a table with drinks, so I carefully chose an angled approach to the drink table, ostensibly getting water. Who cares that I was actually thirsty, I was on a mission. I listened hard as I poured water, spilling a little because of my careless attention to the useless task of actually getting liquid in my cup. The moment I turned to add a comment to the conversation, both her body and the conversation took a turn away from me.<br />
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Mission failed, for now.<br />
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Don't ask how many cups of water I got over the next hour. Sometimes, a move just doesn't work, but for lack of another tactic -and honestly because getting a cup of water and taking a drink is no small comfort in a social setting that I'm feeling lost in -I just kept going back for more water.<br />
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One thing I absolutely love about being a man is that when people leave a party, I have and ace in my back pocket; the perfect gentlemanly way of getting into a short conversation with a person of interest is while <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_GNJpfdeKM" target="_blank">manscorting</a> her.<br />
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It was a short conversation, perhaps about sixteen minutes and forty seven seconds. We walked to the main road where she wanted to get a cab, then spent several minutes failing to find one, to my inner delight. So we contended ourselves with the evolving conversation keeping us company. She had an endearing sarcastic wit to her that could only be described as sassy, and I told her as much. She told me I didn't have to wait, and when I simply stood there with a confident yet semi-puzzled look and said, "I know" to convey that I was merely enjoying the fleeting moment, she insisted by saying "you've been nothing but a gentleman." Of course, as is wont in such picturesque scenarios, that very moment was when no less than four cabs appeared -one from each direction of the intersection -and she was whisked off into the night, leaving me with an extra spring in my step as I walked home. <br />
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That was at the end of the evening, and thus the end of this part of the story. <br />
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Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-4417841666607102982014-09-18T23:50:00.000-04:002014-09-18T23:57:17.938-04:00The Chain of Dating<div>
At the beginning of summer, one of my married friends set me up. Not the everyday setup, this one had been in the works for eight months. Yup, that long. It was hard to say no, despite my <a href="http://masculinejew.blogspot.com/2014/04/farewell-to-shidduch-dating-world.html" target="_blank">previous assertions</a>, though mostly because I had practically said yes already several months beforehand. The short version of the story is that the lovely woman and I were alternately too busy or seeing someone else. The sheer persistence of my friend allowed the pairing to come together as the spring semester ended, both for me as a student and her as a teacher. I haven't experienced it often, but on rare occasion someone gets an idea into their head and simply will not let go of it. I have to say, half the time it's flattering and the other half annoying. This time it was more flattering, or maybe that was when it finally worked out after hearing about it every five weeks. </div>
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It was a pleasant first date at a coffee shop, which has quickly become the bread-and-butter of my first date experiences (cue sidebar). Aside from the ease in planning, and the flexibility for length of date depending on how it's going, it requires less thought and investment but can be creative. In short, it's the quickest, simplest, on-the-fly date I can plan with a creative twist if I want to bring board-games or other tabletop activities with locations everywhere. I've been known to shoehorn the coffee first date into an impromptu park walk or parlay into another date-like activity when it was going very well, and finish my drink faster to end it within an hour when it's not. </div>
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Rant aside, I enjoyed the date. I found her bright, opinionated, accepting, passionate about her career, and we connected in our mutual interest and joy in working with children. It was, however, short lived. One and done, as she didn't see our personalities meshing. I was impressed and found myself thinking that she's fantastic, despite my limited experience with her. I had hoped to get to know her better. Oh well. </div>
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Then the chain began. She set me up with a friend of hers, and I do sincerely believe that someone I've been on a date with knows me better than a Shadchan would, at least in the realm of experiencing me. Since I'm not much for categories I thought I'd give it a whirl. Another coffee date. Another one and done. She set me up with a friend of hers too. It all began to feel a bit like I was getting passed around a group of friends -all of whom let me down easy (read: guiltily -though it made me curious as to why is it that these wonderful women felt so bad about not being interested?), said I'm a great guy, and set me up with a friend in turn. At least the last one had a bit more substance -intellectual conversations over art, talk about emotions and matters of the heart, getting deeper into our personal stories -the kind that are milestones and shape who we are. </div>
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As an aside, I joked with my sister that I was being handed off. Then she told me that she recently did the same thing with a number of men she'd dated over the summer as well! Of course I heard stories and connections that were made about the personalities, interests, and wants of these men and what inspired the idea. It was eye opening to see that from the other side. </div>
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Ultimately, the dating chain ended. As it turns out, I still prefer the flexible, potentially spontaneous, straightforward coffee first date. I also had a light bulb moment after my summer dating stint. Dating is a huge pain, right up until the moment you find someone you like (and who likes you back). Then it is the simple thrilling joy of discovering that person (and, incidentally yourself).</div>
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But that's another story for another time. Soon. </div>
Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-90238804210276644382014-04-01T01:58:00.000-04:002014-04-01T01:59:32.293-04:00Farewell to the Shidduch Dating WorldI've tried it, over and over. Between websites, shadchanim, friends setting me up, I've racked more dates than I want to remember with more women than I should have kept count. Let's just say after reaching 75 I realized that counting is not productive for me, just as dating the "frum" way isn't productive for me. In fact, I'm not sure it really ever was -I certainly didn't quite fit that mold.<br />
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What does all this mean? Will I never go on a blind date or shidduch date? Will I be off the internet dating websites forever? Is this my last post? I have no definitive answers forever. I have searched my doubts, considered whether I should simply redouble my efforts, "tone down," "read between the lines," and just keep slogging along the same route(s). As Einstien said, though, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. For my sanity, I need to try something else, something new, something different.<br />
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I'd like to be clear on a few points here. First, that this isn't about becoming less religious. In fact, I've found more observance as I've worked through the process, and a deeper connection with God as I continue to pour my heart and pain out -both in dating and in davening. I'm not talking here about letting go of my shomer ideology, I'm taking about a dating system that feels broken to me -a system I am now choosing not to participate in. Second, this isn't a decision of emotions, even as painful as it is. I have thought through the process and my place in it. I have come to the conclusion that it's not for me, and I will lay out the reasons below:<br />
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1) <b>Relationships are made of experiences not criteria. </b>There is some<a href="http://people.duke.edu/~dandan/Papers/Upside/peopleAreExperienceGoods.pdf" target="_blank"> interesting research</a> about the phenomenon in online dating (and I extend that to my experience of shidduch dating as well) regarding a distinction between <i>search by criterion and experience </i>and how much searching by some "measurable" criteria fails at actually finding compatibility. I am done with questions and information about potential dates (and myself) that have nothing to do with <b>actually experiencing</b> the other person.<br />
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2) <b>People are not a pile of characteristics, nor do they need to fit our set of desires. </b>Every time I see and hear about the "things" a woman is looking for, I have a nauseous and visceral retching reaction. It may well be (or not be) the case that I am "mature," "sensitive," "growth oriented," or "humerous," but I'm absolutely uninterested in trying to decide or cram myself into a bunch of those traits (and the religious/hashkafic ones as well) in order to determine my "fitness" or a woman's "fitness." It always felt to me that it's more about searching for <i>those things</i> than meeting and forming a connection with <i>the person, </i>much like objectifying as it is about<i> finding something</i> rather than <i>being with someone. </i>I've learned that people and life are much more vibrant, much less clean-cut, and far more interesting when related to as <i>people</i> than a <i>pile of traits</i>. The best of people are not only highly flawed (as I am), but own it -it is a core part of who they are. For me, it has been a journey of realizing that having a list was a road-block to recognizing and appreciating the entirely of another person.<br />
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3) <b>I am a high-contact, deep-connection, intense person. </b>There is something in moments of connection -moments of vulnerability, moments of listening and understanding, being understood, feeling deeply known and knowing the other, simply accepting without need for either myself or the other to be anything other than exactly what we are -that is essential and core to the way I am, every day. It is a testament to my being in the right place with my career. I am comfortable going zero-to-sixty when I sense what I am describing above, and it has been my experience that the "frum" dating world does not often foster that type of connection. In fact, I have often felt that all the protocols, labels, lists, and laborious information-gathering is counter to developing that type of connection.<br />
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4) <b>Formal dating artificially increases pressure to consider marriage prematurely.</b><i style="font-weight: bold;"> </i>Instead of thinking, "who is this person, I want to really understand them" I often found (and still find) myself asking "do I want to marry this?" over all the little things that I experience as early as the first date. My values for dating and relationships are so dissonant with this thinking that I actually cringed as I wrote that I have those thoughts. Ultimately, I think that is at the core of my choice here -the values I have cultivated for myself with respect to dating and relationships are so far and away from those I was introduced to and experienced in shidduch dating that I have come to recognize it's just not for me.<br />
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5) <b>My highest value in a relationship is </b><b>knowing and being known deeply, accepting and being accepted completely, and trusting one another to make our own way through personal struggles</b><b>. </b>The first time I experienced this, it was shocking that simply feeling known, understood, accepted, and trusted in my capability to engage life and my personal issues was so important. It's necessary to both have patience as we each struggle with our own challenges, flaws, issues, and find our own growth side-by-side. I certainly have a great deal I struggle with, but I don't need someone to push me along; I'd rather have someone simply sit with me when I am entrenched in my own issues, feeling that they know in their bones that I will make it through successfully in my own time. In dating, it translates as my taking time and continuing to go out in order to <i>be with</i> someone, to remain present and understand who they are, how they experience the world, and what brings them meaning.<br />
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There's a term that's been floating around which I really appreciate, "with-ness," which is some kind of amalgamation of "with" and "witness." It refers to the experience of standing by and sharing in experience while trusting the person to manage and take care of whatever is going on independently. There is a kind of deep trust and knowing which comes with that stance, and it is an experience I have experienced reciprocally and treasure. Aside from being rare, it is my way of searching for a soul mate. At this moment, I feel the shidduch system isn't very conducive to that way of relating.<br />
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<br />Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-69922912077127033062014-02-24T23:17:00.001-05:002014-02-25T00:25:39.064-05:00The CounterofferI have encountered this particular phenomenon many a time during the course of my dating experience. The interaction starts of fairly benign, talking about each others' lives, interests, beliefs, experiences, what have you. Then the date planning gets under way, it's about the logistics and sorting out the "what," "where," and "when." Inevitably, there are some hiccups along the way. Either the time(s) I mention I am available don't work, or something comes up before the date.<br />
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Then comes the moment of truth; does she make a counteroffer? <br />
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Whether or not you think about it, there is subtle communication in this little gesture, or lack thereof. A counteroffer communicates interest, a desire to spend time together -if only to get to know the other person. Lack of a counteroffer communicates -for whatever reason -that she's not very interested in meeting, dating, or spending time together. <br />
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It can even communicate that she's actually uninterested in dating altogether -and even impact my interest. I had a first date with a lovely young woman once, and followed it up by asking her out on a second date no less than three times. Invariably, all three times she said she was busy for one reason or another, but she made absolutely no counteroffer on any of these occasions. While it could be perceived as legitimate reasons to have been unavailable, after that many attempts without her showing interest or offering to reschedule, <i>I</i> was done.Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-20934978665558887522014-01-02T21:58:00.000-05:002014-01-07T07:59:14.777-05:00Halachic Prenup from the Inside OutAs I read the<a href="http://www.yucommentator.org/2013/12/the-halachic-prenup-a-guys-perspective/" target="_blank"> recent Commentator article advocating for Halachic Prenups</a>, I had a number of thoughts and some very conflicted feelings. <br />
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On the one hand, I get the point. Part of the advocacy is starting a movement, creating general practice. Of course it meets with resistance (as most major changes do) and the article is addressing said resistance. Some of the (counter)points rubbed me the wrong way, though. Which -as per usual -got me thinking.<br />
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I happen to generally be in favor of granting leverage over people who are abusing power as is the case in withholding a <i>get</i>. In fact, I have brokered a number of Halachic Prenups with couples who have had all kinds of challenges and tensions broaching, considering, and working through the process.<br />
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Let me emphasize that point: IT IS A PROCESS. Not something that should be expected to easily or simply be "taken care of" or "required" like paperwork. Most of the Halachic Prenups I have had to broker have been with couples who may have brought up the topic once or twice and then two weeks before the wedding began actually working through it. Bringing it up evokes fears, insecurities, and even blame in both men and women.<br />
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I want to make a brief but powerful distinction in how I am considering the Halachic Prenup in contrast to the article. I am considering the interpersonal, relationship-oriented perspective of what it is like to consider the Halachic Prenup from my view as a man (and experience with couples). The author of the article was making points and putting forth arguments for leaders of Jewish communities, considering the broader impact and goals of the Halachic Prenup. I agree with that view in principle, and I am considering the complex set of feelings and implications of a couple actually facing the possibility, with all the fears, insecurities, implications, and reactions that may come up. The way I see it, making a global argument to a couple in crisis over the feelings and reactions evoked (as I have faced several times with couples) is not particularly helpful in that moment.<br />
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As a quick (and perhaps dirty) comparison, consider what it may feel like for a woman who gets engaged and the groom suggests or demands a financial prenuptial agreement. Whatever the reason, it may certainly evoke strong feelings, questioning the man's trust in her, feeling that he is looking towards the end rather than being in the relationship. There are many, many differences between financial and Halachic Prenups, but the point here is that they share some similarities and may thus evoke similar feelings.<br />
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I certainly admit to having understood a man feeling that way when his fiance demanded he sign a Halachic Prenup. I can admit to considering how I would think if I were in his shoes myself, and have experienced that same feeling myself.<br />
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Some points that came to mind (and then I will consider them more in depth):<br />
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1) It communicates strong feelings, which may include fear, anxiety, and insecurity while advocating addressing those feelings by requesting a contract from the other person.<br />
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<i>It is form a vulnerability, the potential of being stuck. Hearing stories and knowing others who are chained can sow insecurity and doubt. Not unfounded doubt, the possibility is certainly present. While presenting a Halachic Prenup may provide a security, it is addressing the concern with a request/demand on the partner. From my own perspective, I dislike the idea of addressing feelings by placing a contract on the other person as a general rule, especially with a spouse. I know it can be very helpful in this instance, though I dislike that it may communicate "this is the way to deal with relationship issues."</i><br />
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<i>I acknowledge there are certainly more than feelings at stake, which leads me to point #2...</i><br />
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2) There is a small (or not so small) part of requesting/suggesting/demanding a Halachic Prenup which communicates that the man (or woman) is capable or even likely to withhold (reject) a <i>get.</i><br />
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<i>The issue in point #2 is that it constitutes a breach of trust in the relationship. Like insurance, it may be considered a policy for safety, but the need for such a policy means there is a risk. The risk here is between two people, i.e. how they treat one another, which implies that one (in particular often the man) is the risk factor. It can even feel accusatory, particularly for a man who would not consider himself or his relationship at risk of getting to that point. Being the risk factor is certainly hard to hear, and may be construed as (pre)blame. I believe that breach is both mend-able and even strengthens a relationship when effectively addressed.</i><br />
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3) This Halachic Prenup is about other men/women, about agunot. Not about You/Me/Us.<br />
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<i>This message is both prevalent in the article and one of the most used arguments when met with resistance. First, I have to say it is the worst way to try and convince a partner to accept a Halachic Prenup. Second, I believe it actually subverts the interpersonal or relationship concerns, which include insecurity and trust. </i><br />
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As I noted above, I am very much for movements and policies that grant leverage over people who abuse power, and the Halachic Prenup has potential to be quite effective. However, my own thoughts have brought to my attention the impact of considering the Halachic Prenup on a micro-scale, i.e. within a relationship.</div>
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I was once given advice that I should spend a day in family court before deciding to get married: half a day in divorce court and half a day in child-custody. At first it sounded like a horrible ordeal to witness and a sure way to dissuade me from marriage. Then I realized that if I am able to consider the worst with my partner and we can get through it together we will likely never get there. Working together through issues that tear couples apart can be a way to build a stronger relationship. </div>
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I am a stubborn believer in being prepared and working together in relationships and especially in marriage. To me, that is likely to include having very difficult conversations about raising children, financial issues, and Halachic concerns -both concerning (a) working towards staying together and (b) the unpleasant possibility that we split up. I still believe in it, I plan on having those conversations -including the Halachic Prenup and working through it with whomever I end up with.<br />
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<br />Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-43874191361514465202013-12-06T00:52:00.002-05:002013-12-06T00:52:51.320-05:00What it's Like to be Single in Our Generation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Aziz Ansari on being single... surprising how some of it really resonates...Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-91732467844634769712013-08-26T18:09:00.000-04:002013-08-26T18:09:10.927-04:00Stop Looking for Your BashertI was surprised to have run across <a href="http://www.ou.org/life/relationships/dating/surprise-no-such-thing-bashert-6-other-dating-myths-debunked-steven-pruzansky/#.UhvIoH_9XW_" target="_blank">this article</a> over a year after it was posted on the OU's website, but I was equally surprised to see some of the points contained therein. Here's the short version:<br />
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1) There is no such thing as a "bashert" or "the one." Compatibility is in large part a choice to make things work.<br />
2) Marriage doesn't just happen "at the right time," it takes work to build up to. Maybe even getting over yourself, at least a little bit.<br />
3) Don't be so narrow minded about who may or may not be marriage potential.<br />
4) People are not a half of anything, nor are they incomplete until marriage.<br />
5) Stop being superficial. Question your image or expectations (eg. where did they come from? what about them is actually important?) instead of blindly letting them drive you.<br />
6) Commitment is a choice most people make with a degree of uncertainty. We don't "just know" if the person is "right."<br />
7) Online dating isn't pathetic or desperate, it's another path in the dating world. Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-17295317641888191302013-07-12T17:06:00.000-04:002013-07-12T17:11:24.250-04:00Simple DatingSaying that dating is complex is both an understatement and a self-evident fact for anyone who has been in the dating circuit for longer than a couple of dates.<br />
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But I believe we also tend towards simplifying the process. Thus categories for religious observance, arbitrary (or not so arbitrary) demarcations for level of religiosity and <i>hashkafah</i>, measurements and details, profiles and resumes, websites and <i>shadchans</i>. Everything to help make it easier to find "the right one."<br />
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As I gather dating experience, a feeling has been slowly creeping into my consciousness. A feeling of doubt, wondering if I've "missed the mark" when I've dismissed a suggestion or opportunity, a feeling of having been misunderstood or simplistically categorized and dismissed for whatever arbitrary (or not so arbitrary) information is used to determine compatibility. For a while -and perhaps still -it manifested as feeling judged. Seriously, how can someone presume to know and judge me having had fewer than ten interactions consisting of some texting, a phone call or two, and a couple of dates? Or perhaps I'm just being oversensitive here. <br />
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I have certainly felt judged for not spending huge chunks of my time learning and I've consequently experienced myself as having been categorized as valuing learning less, for example. At this point, whenever I see or hear someone place emphasis on <i>kove'ah ittim</i>, I've already come to expect it won't go far.<br />
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This is simple dating in its essence -drawing on a singular point of data to make inferences about a person's values, or to make sweeping generalizations about character.<br />
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I admit, I'm guilty of it. I've dismissed suggestions due to information that I did not see or information I saw from which I drew inferences about the woman that I've come to use as markers for character attributes and beliefs I'm looking for. I'm aware that I use education -specifically pursuit of a graduate degree -as a mark of the intelligence I seek, and that I specifically look for nurturing character traits in a partner (yes, "nurturing" is a buzz word with me).<br />
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I hold two core issues with this type of simplistic dating.<br />
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First, I think using a singular bit of data to draw inferences -such as pursuing a
masters/doctorate for intelligence -provides both an incomplete and
misleading image/understanding of what we are really looking for and
who the other person is. Am I simply looking for a woman with a masters/doctorate or do I really want someone sharp that can hold an intense or intellectual conversation with? Are the two one and the same? What happens when I exclude women on the basis of their educational aspirations, am I including everyone who I think is for me, am I excluding everyone who isn't for me (even just considering intelligence)? <br />
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Second, I believe that people are more complex, and I think a great example of this is the complexity of my own beliefs and wants. I happen to have very strong traditional leanings, owing in no small part to my heritage and upbringing. I also happen to have very strong modern/secular and feminist leanings, due to both my education and experiences with my Mother and sister growing up.<br />
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Sometimes I let slip a few words that hint at my being traditional, and already I see the wheels turning. I have some strong beliefs about masculinity and femininity, about male and female differences. I've been told I should find a "traditional woman" more than a few times by people, which leads me to sincerely doubt their understanding of who I am and what I'm looking for.<br />
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I'm not simply looking to find someone to cook, clean and raise kids -all of which I appreciate tremendously. I also plan on being an active parent, but more than that I expect and plan on being involved in all areas of domestic life because it's a joint experience, joint responsibility, and joint endeavor. I want my children to have two primary caregivers. Gone are the days that man brings home flower and woman bakes it into bread; now we get to choose, or take turns, or do them both together. I value the flexibility and dynamic aspects of this type of relationship, it's something I want to fully engage in together with my partner. <br />
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Do I have one set of ideas about men's and women's roles? I have lots of thoughts, many ideas, some of them perhaps even seemingly conflicting. That's life, full of complexity, paradox, even conflict. <br />
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It's easier to categorize, to box people into polarized titles, to check off a "yes" or "no" on a mental list. It makes dating simpler by drawing inferences about a person's character, about who they are, based on less information. It is also a risk, as people are often more nuanced and complex. Sometimes I wonder if we're missing the mark by trying to pin down our understanding of the person we've barely met. Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-91972383736136199032013-05-21T22:53:00.002-04:002013-05-21T22:55:55.521-04:00Into the CloudsZach Sobiech passed away on May 20th 2013 from cancer. When he was diagnosed in November of 2009, he was told he had months left. Instead, he took four years and showed the world what how to live. Rather than lose hope, his acceptance, maturity, and optimism drove him to deepen his relationships with family, pursue love, and express himself in incredible ways.<br />
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This was his way of saying goodbye, and it reached millions in under 6 months:<br />
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When his story go out, this documentary was filmed. It touched my heart and made me think about how I'm living:<br />
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I'm still left mostly speechless, sitting with raw emotions and thoughts I'm turning over in my head. I think it may be that way for a while.Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-29740038588753239562013-05-19T15:17:00.002-04:002013-05-19T16:33:55.082-04:00Men of Inferior Quality<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXLTiNLb4OV9c0z-9NOEjEbAeZsVTUIOcq0AWdfxyeWYOBhfcgoP-posERv_MdQ3GRFKizlH2Sy1CnFAwTXfFnly4DocYdTbJFC0OzXy2rwoGDeXvU4BC28ymNYHjvJnWNGvBFFQR4oi4/s1600/male_and_female_brains.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXLTiNLb4OV9c0z-9NOEjEbAeZsVTUIOcq0AWdfxyeWYOBhfcgoP-posERv_MdQ3GRFKizlH2Sy1CnFAwTXfFnly4DocYdTbJFC0OzXy2rwoGDeXvU4BC28ymNYHjvJnWNGvBFFQR4oi4/s320/male_and_female_brains.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I've heard so many devaluing generalizations about men across the board, from Beit Yaakov schools to liberal education. Comments about men being socially inept (especially as compared to women), shallow, selfish, insensitive, interested exclusively in sex, uncaring, and having the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon. Beyond that, just not being up to scratch -not being a learner, earner, rich rabbi-doctor, partner-of-the-century, intimacy-oriented, perfect present/future father, Adonis, and communicator extraordinaire.Take your pick, mix n' match whichever resonate with you. <br />
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For some examples, See these posts on <a href="http://masculinejew.blogspot.com/2011/03/man-marginalized.html">devaluation</a>, <a href="http://masculinejew.blogspot.com/2011/03/little-boy-grow-up-little-girl-youre.html">ironic standards</a>, <a href="http://masculinejew.blogspot.com/2011/03/good-men-good-women.html">gender differences</a>, and <a href="http://masculinejew.blogspot.com/2012/01/men-should-on-date.html">outrageous expectations</a>. <br />
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I heard it all. In my classrooms growing up, in the my Mother's minor complaints and big arguments with my Father, from female friends starting in middle school and continuing with a steady stream of criticism and complaint up to yesterday afternoon. It's on billboards in subtle and overt ways, in movies, and even the ultra-orthodox community.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhnlP324okbz5gBni7G69jjR8QnruCZk5hnDsrm-Sbrf18rKMqTKlBCwV7MLvg6JhUdxCflu2JCvUB7MQudPOw7EB93hDPK0L9bksWqn0NVMB7pRc9U5xLxlUfn38zkSiIUDvMpuJDIY0/s1600/swyourtangocom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhnlP324okbz5gBni7G69jjR8QnruCZk5hnDsrm-Sbrf18rKMqTKlBCwV7MLvg6JhUdxCflu2JCvUB7MQudPOw7EB93hDPK0L9bksWqn0NVMB7pRc9U5xLxlUfn38zkSiIUDvMpuJDIY0/s1600/swyourtangocom.jpg" /></a></div>
For the last twenty years it's most of what I heard about men as a whole. It has been the hip thing to do as long as I can remember -just blame men for their ineptitude and lack of quality. It justifies the anger, frustration, and pain. It's easier to sit up on high and judge men negatively. Nevermind that the Torah says not to do that. <br />
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Let me tell you about some of the damage it has caused and continues to wreck.<br />
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Men are considered failures from the get-go. Not because we actually are inept, but because <i>we are told that is who we are and how we are perceived</i>. Regardless of achievement and growth, self-awareness and sensitivity. <i>We are still considered inept simply because we belong to the male sex. </i>If you want to quote the exceptions, or provide examples I invite you to consider that those are precisely the "exceptions that prove the rule." I have certainly made plenty of mistakes in dating including some serious faux pas, like forgetting to call a woman back within a few days of a date. Those mistakes had nothing to do with my character, as in the above example I happened to have been swamped with school, research, and field work that I had not anticipated in the following days that simply flew by. I was surprised to have missed the time. I faced significant ridicule for that little snafu, irrespective of my circumstance and character. In fact I had more than a few attacks on my character for it. <br />
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If I were a woman and thought this way about men, <i>I would</i> <i>never want to go on a date with a guy.</i> In fact, as a man if I thought this way about women I would have a chip the size of Antarctica on my shoulder and I'd be considered a misogynist, among all manner of other unseemly names. Seems like a wonderful place to start when looking for a life partner. <br />
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It's insulting to be admired for sensitivity <i>despite being a man</i>. If I had a choice, and could grow up in the way I wanted, I would make sure I grew up in an environment that <i>taught me to be sensitive is to be a wonderful man</i>. It's much better than learning that men are all insensitive and that insensitivity is contemptible. I would much rather be admired for being a wonderful man than non-man-like person.<br />
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For those who do not understand the implications of this, let me spell it out. When I hear a woman express negative beliefs about men or generalizations about what men are like based on negative experiences, I am very concerned. I have a hard time believing that a woman can harbor deep seeded negative beliefs and resentment towards men yet have a healthy intimate relationship with admiration and respect for a man. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdX2Hmp9HcTr5lPFrpkpgAwfOE7VgHjo_j81vXTgxNue93RYwp1YbTCH7CTOOnQFilcAYrlJN4VURSlvlwBym6YmYaqYbQZULFk7W6Hyo22hVNTjwDsrZeZnrzeewSjZkiSZQcQfY2e4M/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdX2Hmp9HcTr5lPFrpkpgAwfOE7VgHjo_j81vXTgxNue93RYwp1YbTCH7CTOOnQFilcAYrlJN4VURSlvlwBym6YmYaqYbQZULFk7W6Hyo22hVNTjwDsrZeZnrzeewSjZkiSZQcQfY2e4M/s1600/images.jpg" /></a>In fact, I think those beliefs are particularly harmful for dating. I can sense when a woman has those beliefs and it is a serious turn-off. Either I have to work extra-hard all the time to compensate, distinguish myself, and maintain an image of being Superman (which is exhausting and not realistic since I cannot change someone else's mind) or when I fail -even the normal flawed failures that humans all experience -then I am just like all those other men. It's a no-win scenario. I have had this unfortunate experience more than once. <br />
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While it may initially feel good to be considered special and unique, I need a woman to build a home with, and that home will create an environment for our children. I think it's important for a father to teach his son about what it means to be a man, and that message should be confirmed and validated by his mother (and vice-versa for daughters).<br />
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I plan on raising my children with positive images of manhood and
masculinity, and I need a wife and future mother who will validate those both
to myself and my (God willing) future sons so that they will grow up seeing and knowing a positive image of manhood in their father and themselves. Only in that way will they strive for
and achieve it with encouragement, modeling, and validation. If our children hear and absorb negative images and beliefs about men at home, it will be validated by the messages they hear outside, which will have powerful consequences for their own growth and development. I have and will continue to work hard at creating a positive and nurturing environment for my future children, and that means ensuring that the woman I am with has a strong positive image of men. <br />
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Blaming and devaluing men (or women, but in this case I'm focusing on the former) as a group is a damaging and destructive way of explaining frustrating and painful experiences, be that in dating or other contexts because it leads to images and beliefs which continue to negatively impact how we treat and think about one another. It's a lot more helpful to explain it as a temporary, situational, specific event rather than in a way that generalizes men in a permanent way. <br />
<br />Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-62434841041901004432013-04-23T01:48:00.001-04:002013-04-23T01:49:31.827-04:00Exclusivity, Commitment, and Serial Monogamy When I first thought of dating and relationships, it was pretty clear to me that from the moment I asked a woman out or accepted a suggestion that I would date her exclusively.<br />
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In particular this meant several things in my mind:<br />
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1) Placing all other/pending/future suggestions on hold, telling them that I am busy. <br />
2) Dedicating myself and my energy to getting to know this one woman. In other words, prioritizing dating and the relationship with her. <br />
3) Staying involved until (a) I am certain I know her well and (b) I've clearly determined she's not for me.<br />
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Thinking back, I see this as a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I do enjoy focusing my energy on one woman. I happen to be very one-on-one focused, and I experience a unique joy in spending time with individual friends in contrast to group hangouts. On the other hand, it's a high level of investment, commitment, and dedication for someone I have never met and -let's be honest -owe nothing to aside from the aforementioned date. <br />
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This type of serial monogamy in dating is likely the culprit for my (a) continuing to ask women out after a date or two based on the assumption that I don't know her well enough to make a decision, (b) feeling pressured to cram more and more into less time, and (c) feeling committed to someone I've barely met.<br />
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As an added consequence, I'm often much more interested in talking through our differences in values, viewpoints, observance, or things I hear (or witness) that bother me. I am often ready to do this even on a first date or an initial conversation, though my experience is that most people take months to get to that point. <br />
I also am willing to become invested, to be open and vulnerable quite early on. I'm the type of person who feels it's important to have an open heart and isn't worried about being rejected or hurt -my heart is strong enough to handle that.<br />
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What I have felt is stress and pressure, particularly with respect to my predetermined dedication. At times I feel like I'm pressuring myself to be prematurely committed to her. I also have experienced exhaustion, and a feeling of unbalanced reciprocation. I rarely feel that the woman I'm dating is giving me the same chance or dedication I give her, and it can be a frustrating feeling. <br />
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I'm still teasing out all these feelings, and trying to balance my values with some of the frustration I experience. I also expect that this part of my personality has a significant effect on how I present myself on dates, and in particular how it impacts the first impression I give off. Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-9827164399849442942013-04-15T00:12:00.000-04:002013-04-15T00:12:01.003-04:00Quote of the Day #11<i>Every so often, I work out a little phrase or thought. Often it
seems like I've heard it before, but I'll admit I don't read libraries
of literature and I'm not well versed in the world's quotes. In any
case, here's one from the other day: </i><br />
<blockquote>
"The demons inside us are often simply parts of ourselves that we do not
like to see, fed by our unwillingness to look them squarely in the eye
and accept them."</blockquote>
<i>As always, thoughts and feedback are welcome. </i><br />
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<br />Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-36180641829244776022013-04-07T23:51:00.000-04:002013-04-08T00:10:49.897-04:00Acting OutThis post represents the accumulation of a series of events that I've been reflecting on for some time. After dating intensely during my first year of grad school, taking a break for several months during my second year and finding a more balanced, if frustrating, experience through this year, I have realized three things:<br />
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1) <i>I really dislike dating, especially formal/shidduch dating.</i> I'll lump online dating here as well. I dislike the system(s), the imposed structures, the unnatural feeling and pressure I experience. I also dislike constantly feeling judged for little things and big things alike. Could be that's all in my head; perhaps I'm just an anxious person. However, throughout the past three years in particular I have felt and increasing frustration with my dating experience. On this point I'd like to add one thing: <i>I am relationship-focused, and thoroughly enjoy being in a relationship. </i>Most of my quibbles have to do with the initial process of contact and the "date procedure," with all of the hoops and qualifying questions people ask/check to make sure I "fit well enough" into what they want. I mean seriously, fitting into a box or a list is not something I like to do on a first date, I find it both uncomfortable and a tad insulting. I happen to believe we should take our dating partner holistically as a person, search for connection (and add values in here if you'd like, though I believe it takes longer to really understand a person's values), find a bit of romance. I don't want a box or list, I want a person. <br />
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2) <i>I really don't have time for it.</i> This one requires some explanation, because if it were strictly a matter of time management, then there would be no problem. One of the things I have discovered is that with 70+ hour weeks, even when I carve out a block of time to (a) make plans, (b) get ready, (c) travel, (d) spend time and be present with the person, and (e) head back home, I find myself exhausted and stressed before the date (I'm getting exhausted even writing out the list!). Having to go on a weeknight date straight after my night classes (which end at 7pm on my early evenings) with my schoolbag in tow doesn't help either. There is always so much to be doing, so many responsibilities, and so
many concerns looming that even when I'm on a date I feel them nagging
at the edge of my consciousness. I'll admit that carving out time for some yoga,
herbal tea, and relaxation beforehand to allow myself a chance to slow
down might help, but it's not always practical and often I'm already sacrificing personal/school/work/research time just to be on the date. I will admit that viewing this time as a sacrifice rather than an investment -or as a chance to unwind, make jokes, and enjoy myself -probably also doesn't help. <br />
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3) <i>I have been acting out rather than being honest with myself (and those women).</i> Now I don't mean crying, throwing tantrums, or being rude. As I have reflected on the above points, I have come to realize that the way I present myself is a far more "under pressure" and non-ideal version of myself. I'm not ashamed of it, but I also don't think it's the most attractive side of me to be putting out on display. I can chalk it up to my long hours and the responsibilities of graduate school. I can also blame it on the system and my experience of the looming question "will I marry this person?" that silently invades dates and underlies many a question and conversation topic. But I'd rather be honest and acknowledge that I have not been on top of my game when it comes to dating.<br />
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Part of me has hoped that the person I'm on a date with can see through, or will give me more than one, two, or three chances to really get to know me -which is perhaps why I do this myself -but that may not be a realistic expectation. Perhaps I hope to find someone who is more like me and is patient and tolerant enough to invest in a relationship rather than making a quick choice within several hours of contact. In fact, those expectations and hopes likely fuel my frustration and growing resentment. <br />
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But wait, then what should I do? How should I address this?<br />
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Well, I'm certainly not going to start blurting out my recent reflections prior to -or on -a first date. I have thus far found one work-around: meeting the person and developing a connection more organically rather than (a) point-blank asking women out within a short time of meeting them or (b) being set up via shadchan/friend. I acknowledge this particular method likely puts me in a significantly different dating pool, and I've been wondering if perhaps I'm simply more comfortable swimming in that pool. Other options include (1) taking a break until life lets up a bit (2) gritting my teeth and continuing to trudge along, (3) taking school/work/research less seriously to free up some of that stress, (4) changing my expectations/hopes, (5) loosening up and allowing the more relaxed, playful, fun part of me to show in other areas of my life -including formal/shidduch/online dating. That last one has the merit of all around increasing my happiness, though it may be a tad over-reaching just yet. <br />
<br />
The first step is being aware. The second is making myself accountable, which I'm doing here. Where I go from here... I'll have to update y'all as I make progress. Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-11514073063443729742013-03-11T23:16:00.000-04:002013-03-11T23:31:24.534-04:00In Need of Some Kiruv<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">I</span>’ve been away a while. Well, perhaps “<i>away”</i> would not adequately describe the circumstances surrounding
my reduced presence on the blogosphere. But the blogosphere isn’t the only part
of my life that I’ve been <i>away</i> from. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">To say that graduate school has kept me busy is an
understatement. After my 80 hour weeks consisting of class, fieldwork, reading,
papers, and commuting in between, I’ve found I barely have enough discipline to
stand up straight. I’m always exhausted, regardless of how little (or how much)
I’m sleeping. I find myself running out in the morning with a prayer for
forgiveness because I’ve missed davening (again). I haven’t been to <i>shul</i> on
time in recent memory, even on <i>Shabbat/Yom Tov</i>. On that note, thank goodness for <i>Shabbat</i>! <span style="font-size: small;">Every moment not having to<span style="font-size: small;"> stress is a blessing, and having time to eat, drink, sleep(!), play games and spend time with friends/fa<span style="font-size: small;">mily is an absolute pleasure. </span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My learning consists of a one
hour a week <i>chavruta</i> that doesn’t meet as consistently as I’d like. With so
much pressure, I’ve rearranged my priorities and every few months I take a
moment to reflect –often the first moment in as many months I have to breathe
or think about myself –and realize that my observance is not at the top of that
list. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I think in an ideal world, I would be able to keep my Jewish <span style="font-size: small;">o</span>bservance as priority number one. I’ve slowly been realizing that either (a) I’m
sacrificing (some of) my observance in this stage of my life, or (b) it’s not
possible to place observance as priority number one all the time. When I was in
<i>Yeshiva</i>, I thought it’s possible to keep one foot in <i>yeshiva</i> and one in
university. I had expected that to extend so that I could keep one foot in grad
school and one in learning Torah, one foot in (field)work and one in <i>davening</i>, one
foot in the gym and one in the <i>beit
midrash</i>, one foot in research and one in dating. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Was I ever wrong<span style="font-size: small;">!</span> I only have two feet, and I’m finding that
I can’t handle all of the demands, requirements, and obligations for graduate
school on one foot<span style="font-size: small;">. <span style="font-size: small;">So I end up doing this funky dance with my one other foot, <span style="font-size: small;">a dance I'm struggling to keep up with. </span></span></span> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I’ve been polling my friends informally about
dating and graduate school, and I’m finding that it’s not just me (at least
dating-wise). Some of my friends reflected that they rarely give their date a
chance during the semester, often thinking to themselves that they’d rather be
studying than out. Usualy, dating during semester breaks (or possibly summer)
reveals a different, more open mind in those same friends (and for myself as well). I have to say that my
experience has been similar, having to plan and create a 4+ hour block of time
to get ready, travel, go on a date, and return within a decent time frame to
get half a night’s sleep can be stressful just to think about. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So maybe (in line with the most recent issue of <a href="http://thebeaconmag.com/">The Beacon</a>) I'm in need of a little <span style="font-size: small;"><i>kiruv</i>. <span style="font-size: small;">Almost<span style="font-size: small;"> every week,<span style="font-size: small;"> after <i>davening</i>, I take a <span style="font-size: small;">moment to thank <i>Has</i><span style="font-size: small;"><i>hem</i> that I'm still connected, but I also know I'm not nearly<span style="font-size: small;"> where I'd like to be. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-20676538653836833902013-01-02T17:09:00.000-05:002013-01-02T17:14:00.811-05:00Oral HygieneI recently received an email with a story/question, and I wanted to share it with y'all:<i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am a long time reader of your
blog. I recently had a dating experience/question that I thought I would pose
to you/your readers. I recently went out with a girl and had a lovely first
date. While sitting with her though, I noticed a rather odd smell. Thinking it
was something to do with the venue we were in, I ignored it. On the second date
though, the smell was back. Upon paying a bit of attention, I realized it was
her breath. It was a foul earthy like smell. It brought to mind the tale in
Jewish folklore of the Talmudic sage who was so poor that he ate dirt, thereby
causing his breath to smell.</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Once I noticed her breath, I also
noticed her teeth. They were covered in plaque and appeared as if they hadn't
been brushed in ages. It was quite unappealing. The smell of her breath
and appearance of her teeth drove me crazy. We went on a few more
dates, but I just could not get past those two "issues". Speaking to
her face on would nearly induce gagging. After a few dates we realized we were
not compatible and ended things. The experience, however, left me
with a question: should I have said something?</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This girl was one of the most put
together people Ive ever met. She dressed nicely, her life was in order, it
made no sense that she would ignore something as important as
oral hygiene! I did not think it was my place to say something as it could
be highly offensive. However, something like that could serve as a turn-off for
any guy she dates and is also simply gross. It undoubtedly bothers / is
noticed by her friends and colleagues who simply don't say anything. Aside
from that, it could be an indication of a gum disease or some other oral
issue. </span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As we are no longer dating, my
relationship with her is nonexistent. There would e no way for me to say
anything. What I wonder is if I should mention it to a friend of hers who can
then say something to her? </span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Any advice would be welcome,</span></i><br />
<i>
</i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><i>Yodel Deedle</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br /></span>
<br />
Yodel,<br />
<br />
While it may not seem common, the experience of dating someone who may not cover all the bases when it comes to hygiene can be frustrating -whether it's their teeth/breath, extensive body hair, or some other grooming issue. It brings to mind a date I once had involving a woman with rampant leg hair... at the time I was tempted to offer her my shaver. <br />
<br />
First, I'd like to draw attention to something you mentioned. On the first date you ignored it and were able to enjoy her company, despite the smell. However, once you determined the cause, you noticed the details (her teeth, plaque, the particulars of the smell) and provided quite a rich description of how repulsive it became to you. The contrast is important to note, because humans often have a tendency to focus on a particular detail, especially in dating, and allow it to overshadow other aspects of their date's character (for example, you noted that she is very well put together). Whether or not that was the driving force the decision not to continue I certainly don't know, it's just some food for thought. <br />
<br />
As far as whether you should have said something, I'd like to acknowledge that pointing out a flaw in someone's self-care/health is a very touchy issue, and takes a lot of courage. Even when approached constructively, it's not an easy thing to do and is not always taken well. That's the case even with close friends/family, and so much more with someone we have practically no relationship with!<br />
<br />
However, if this was <i>the singular deal-breaking issue</i> that was unbearable, I would at least have put it on the table, out in the open. Until she is aware of it, there is a small chance it will change; there may have been a simple remedy available if only the concern/frustration were communicated, uncomfortable as it may be to put forth. If you were set up via the grapevine, a friend, or a <i>Shadchan</i>, then you also have the option of broaching the concern indirectly through the third party. This is usually more comfortable for daters, often purported as a plus in <i>Shidduch</i> dating. <br />
<br />
Personally, I am a big fan of constructive feedback -if there is anything I could do to improve myself I like to hear about it. For that reason, I support the idea of giving feedback, and if you could still provide constructive feedback through a friend I would encourage you to do so <b>with great sensitivity</b>. Telling someone they have plaque and bad breath can be more hurtful than helpful. If you can also find a way for her to receive feedback anonymously so much the better, since it is often harder to hear from a date (especially if the decision to part ways was initiated by you).<br />
<br />
There are more subtle approaches that can be taken too. For example,
bringing a pack of mouthwash tabs, mints, breath fresheners, etc. and offering her one when
you pull them out for yourself. If you want to really be suave, when
you pull them out you can admit that you're sometimes self-conscious
about your own breath (Who isn't? I know I am!) and it may put her more
at ease (or at least bring some awareness). This may be a short-term
fix, but if it frees your mind to enjoy the date, gesundheit! <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I don't think whipping out my shaver in the middle of a date would have been helpful in my case. Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-84500458993251050222012-12-27T08:35:00.000-05:002012-12-27T08:35:00.179-05:00The Magic Number 2I've noticed an interesting pattern in my own dating behavior, and I thought I'd share and get some perspective from the peanut gallery too...<br />
<br />
I've written before about the importance of <a href="http://masculinejew.blogspot.com/2012/08/receptivity-is-1-on-my-list.html">responsiveness</a> (or receptivity) when it comes to interacting with a woman, and in the dating world generally. In the absence of an adequate level of responsiveness, I'll usually give it <b>two tries</b>, but then my motivation to continue plummets. This can be with respect to phone calls, texts, or other forms of contact as well as attempts to schedule another date. I'm tempted to generalize to all forms of initiation in the dating world (and possibly within my relationships as well). But let me not get ahead of myself yet. <br />
<br />
For example, there was a young woman I went on a first date with. It was a nice date and I felt that we began getting to know each other, so I called her up and asked her out again. She responded, "one of my friends is in town, so I'm busy that day." <br />
<br />
<i>"Okay</i>," I thought to myself <i>"that happens. I like to spend time with my out-of-town friends too</i>.<i>"</i> So I suggested another potential time and venue. "That's not a good time for me either, I have a work function that night," she replied. At that point, I was simultaneously frustrated (<i>"Well then, just tell me what works for you!"</i>) and in doubt (<i>"Okay, I get the message. We're done here."</i>).<br />
<br />
It was seriously disheartening. So I said "Alright, let me know if your evenings open up" and I was done. Needless to say, I didn't contact her again.<br />
<br />
Was that a mistake? God only knows. But I can say that my motivation plummeted as she told me she was unavailable, yet made no attempt to suggest a viable time. <b>Twice</b>. <br />
<br />
In another situation, a mutual friend had followed through with a suggestion, giving me the "a-okay" to contact the lovely lady whose qualities had been so eloquently lauded. I texted her to see when she would like to talk (with the intent of setting a date, of course). A <b>couple </b>-<i>there's that number two again</i> -of quiet days later, I called her up. After ringing all the way to voice mail, I left a message. A day or <b>two</b> later and I'd mentally washed my hands of her. Did she ever contact me back? Yeah. <i>Two weeks later </i>(and no, she wasn't in a different country)... By which point I was long gone. <br />
<br />
I've also been on dates that I felt it were dragging on. I don't need a woman to hang on my every word, but it's important to have more than a one-way conversation that feels like a therapy or interrogation session. I can ask a hundred questions, but after just <b>two </b>carefully crafted open-ended inquiries that are reciprocated with monosyllabic answers, I'm practically resigning. While I'm fairly confident I might be able to continue the line of inquiry -and even though I often will, for the sake of getting through the date -I'm usually giving up on the inside. <br />
<br />
On occasion I'll be more persistent. If there's something really pulling me, a strong point of connection, an emotional hook-point... I'll be motivated for longer. When I've had strong feelings, I've been known to pursue with more zeal. However, that is fairly uncommon in the earliest stages of dating. <br />
<br />
Could I be too sensitive? Sure, that's a definite possibility.<br />
Am I missing out on opportunities? I'll submit to that potentiality. <br />
Should I change my modus operandum? Ay, that's the question... I'm not so sure. <br />
<br />
I can imagine I'm not the only guy who reacts that way. Part of me wants women to understand that just replying without giving more -be it a question or a suggested date option -will probably be taken as a sign disinterest (at least by me). Another part of me wonders if I'm just letting go too soon. Then again, in the wonderfully diverse world of dating my style is -like ice cream -just one flavor of many. I'll have to keep tabs and see if it's actually working for me or not. <br />
<br />
Feel free to add your <b>two</b> cents. Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-86677046392144216952012-12-23T22:27:00.001-05:002012-12-23T22:27:15.315-05:00Hide your feelings! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhJxGKI4XqvLFJJ9OatpfJ_ER-YlGlQ5rRJtL9C8rwHSjlvNxG0dC47WYlNN7n6Hj-STzcSALK6OEEpyOmo4JFwfjn_uDLP0y5QukcOkEYPO69WH4hhvyPQAc8kedg55nKzH1SXI1neSY/s1600/What+women+do+when+they+like+a+guy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhJxGKI4XqvLFJJ9OatpfJ_ER-YlGlQ5rRJtL9C8rwHSjlvNxG0dC47WYlNN7n6Hj-STzcSALK6OEEpyOmo4JFwfjn_uDLP0y5QukcOkEYPO69WH4hhvyPQAc8kedg55nKzH1SXI1neSY/s400/What+women+do+when+they+like+a+guy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
While I will pursue a woman when I have a particular interest, it helps to know she may like me. In fact, the greatest predictor of whether we like someone is often <a href="http://sourcesofinsight.com/i-like-you-because-you-like-me/">whether we think/know that they like us</a>... <br />
<br />
And yet every so often I'll hear about a missed opportunity, someone who harbored secret feelings for me and worked to hide them rather than allowing them to be known.<br />
<br />
How unfortunate. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-29451446217433515032012-12-07T09:30:00.000-05:002012-12-07T09:30:02.574-05:00Dating Towards a Shared VisionThe Gottmans are a power couple in the field of relationships. Dr. John Gottman is a relationship researcher and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz, is a clinician. I attended a seminar about their perspective on couples in which Dr. J. Gottman talked about his research on successful couples.<br />
<br />
One of the most striking pieces of his work that struck me is the concept of a shared vision. Practically every successful couple has a shared vision, a set of goals and values that the partners lean on one another to achieve together. During the seminar, he posited that the shared vision is created together.<br />
<br />
Which got me thinking about how we date, or at least what I'd thought about how we date. The impression I had when I entered the dating world is that each person has their criteria, their list, their image of what marriage, life, children should look like. We are each trying to find the other person to fit that bill.<br />
<br />
I started wondering if maybe instead of looking for <i>that image</i> in another person we should be looking for the person with whom we can create a <i>new image</i>.<br />
<br />
Perhaps it wasn't so relevant when we consider the dating history of frum Jews. Living and growing up in small communities may have created a community image, a shared image that children grew up with. Variations may have been smaller. Perhaps in some ways we still have those small communities and still look within them for that shared image. It may have worked then, perhaps it still works today for some.<br />
<br />
On the one hand, it seems easy to choose someone based on their fit with our image, and then we stay with them because we like their character and find them attractive. However, it can be quite difficult to find someone who fits that image, and to expect or look for character and attraction in addition can sometimes seem like a tall order.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, choosing someone based on character and attraction may seem difficult too, and with the added work of creating a shared image, of having to work and not so easily have the life, marriage, family that we expect or dream of in this moment can also feel like a tough expectation to swallow. <br />
<br />
Which way resonates with you?<br />
<br />
<br />Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-91524381984942512842012-12-03T09:37:00.001-05:002012-12-03T09:37:42.983-05:00Dating: Traditional Vs FeministEvery not-so-often, I get a suggestion from someone -family, friend, a random disgruntled date -that I should probably go for a woman who is more traditional.<br />
<br />
Personally, I feel conflicted. On the one hand, I was raised in a very traditional family. My Mother felt a deep sense of responsibility and fulfillment in taking care of us kids, cooking and creating a home environment, while my Father was the breadwinner and head of the household. On the other hand, my family also has some distinct non-traditional leanings. My Mother has more formal education than my Father, while my Father was more than happy to change my diapers and get to cooking/cleaning when he got home from work and my Mother was busy (either playing with us kids or with work/school). In many ways, I'd like to think my parents were flexible in their roles.<br />
<br />
But there's more to it than that. I saw bits of both the traditional and non-traditional relationship in my parents. Truth be told, I think I absorbed a value for both, and I want both -or parts of both. Which can all be very confusing, since at times they seem to be in conflict with one another. On top of that, I grew up exposed to American culture and media, which has a whole other set of values and expectations for relationships. Of course it's not so simple, and I'm working through my own values. <br />
<br />
As much as I feel conflicted and confused about my expectations and values, I can imagine that it might be just as conflicting and/or confusing for women. So I'd like to throw a question out there for all the ladies out there: Do you experience a similar conflict for yourself? How do you deal with it? Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-72809100484672809932012-11-25T19:27:00.004-05:002012-11-25T19:31:33.761-05:00TornThe most difficult thing -for me -about a break up is the thoughts
I'm left with immediately after. Running my mind through the things I really enjoyed
about her, about our experiences together, about her character.
Wondering about potential. Wondering about the path not taken.<br />
<br />
Over time, that fades... life moves along, and I let myself get swept up.<br />
<br />
After a little while, I find that some days I'm torn between enjoying and relishing my bachelor's freedom (again) versus the meaning and joy of engaging in the depth and connection of a relationship. Other days, it's one or the other. While I think I'll have days of each throughout my life, today is one of those conflicted days.<br />
<br />
In fact, it's been a conflicted couple of weeks. After the initial "I've had enough" feeling following a break-up, I've noticed a pattern of feeling conflicted as I move on. That kind of ambivalence can make it tough to be motivated to get back into dating...<br />
<br />
Sometimes, it just takes the nudge of meeting someone striking to get motivated again. Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-85335249849415801592012-11-19T14:18:00.000-05:002012-11-25T18:33:35.784-05:00Dating Models<i>Everyone wants to date models, and while I'm sure plenty of people fantasize about it, this post explores something slightly different. </i><br />
<br />
We all have an image of how to date, and perhaps the <i>type</i> of person we want to date. Often times, we base this on our experiences, seeing things we like and things we don't. Our upbringing has a significant impact on that image, as our expectations are often shaped by the experiences we had growing up, both in terms of the good -which we want to replicate -and the bad -which we avidly avoid like the plague. <br />
<br />
So when it came time to start dating, I found myself asking a lot of questions about how others dated. Married friends, single friends, random people on the street, Shadchanim (some of whom decided it's their mission to dictate what I should do and some whose wisdom I continue to cherish)... practically anyone who I could squeeze for a perspective.<br />
<br />
I have to say, the single most influential couple in my life is my parents. I grew up watching their ongoing romance -and sometimes lack thereof -both subconsciously and with rapt attention. Some things I decided to avoid at all costs, while others I absorbed with pride and hope to replicate in my own future marriage. Most importantly, though, are those elements of their relationship that silently slipped into my subconscious mind, planting seeds that grew without my notice.<br />
<br />
The longer I'm dating, the more I discover some of those seeds, though more often than not they've grown into fruit-bearing trees that have fed my insecurities, frustrations and successes alike.<br />
<br />
For example, my parents have some very different attitudes and beliefs. When they met, my Father was far more traditional than religious, and my Mother was far more religious than traditional. My Mother's family grew up immensely wealthy, while my Father did not experience that privilege. My Mother came from a very large family, my Father less so. My Mother is decidedly Democratic and my Father robustly Republican.<br />
<br />
<i><b>(Would such a couple date or marry today? I wonder... )</b></i><br />
<br />
They grappled with so many issues and differences between them, including religious observance, finances, children, and politics. But what they did was create a shared vision together, and put every ounce of effort into building that dream into a reality. In truth, both my parents are immensely proud of that work, and so much of that dream has been realized through their choices and their relationship (of course there is always more!). They compromised in thousands upon thousands of ways over years, each one giving up huge parts of their individual dreams to build something together. <br />
<br />
I am beginning to realize how their relationship affects my expectations, in big and small ways alike. My mind absorbed so much from them, such as valuing flexibility and being less picky about many differences between myself and a potential partner as well as expecting and hoping to replicate one of our family rituals wherein everyone stops what they are doing, gets up, and meets my Father and/or Mother at the door when they come
home from their long days.<br />
<br />
In other ways, I would like to choose my own path, since my experience growing up had its unpleasant moments. I cannot overestimate the effect of seeing my parents argue over some of their issues without ever really seeing a reconciliation happen (though they always did reconcile and build a stronger relationship together). I resolved to learn how to reconcile conflict even though I did not get to learn by observing my parents, and I very strongly believe that children should have that opportunity to learn by witnessing their parents work through conflict rather than just experiencing the arguments that spill out from behind closed doors. Part of me feels it is important to protect children but more than that I believe that as a parent my primary mission is to teach them, by example wherever possible. <br />
<br />
It can be so clear sometimes. I met a woman whose mother begrudgingly gave up her own career so that she could stay home and raise her children. Her mother's resentment became her insecurity, and this woman grew to feel petrified of marriage, assuming it means she gives up her own life for someone else just to create a family life. <br />
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Another man I know watched his parents argue for years, slowly becoming bitter towards each other and finally divorcing. The parents' sniping led him to expect his partner would take belittle him too, and he often seemed to be waiting for the hammer to come down any time a potential argument broke out.<br />
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I know a single mother whose son grew to have great admiration for her, but lacked a sense of his own role and meaning in a relationship. In some ways, without a father as a male role model, he felt lost and useless. His mother got along just fine without a man, so what makes him important in a relationship? He struggled with feeling important and needed, assuming that his feelings and needs are not necessary to express and have fulfilled for a successful marriage/family. On the flip-side, I have seen men like this who grew up to expect a woman will take care of everything for them (after all, his mother seemed to manage beautifully!). <br />
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Everyone sees <i>something</i> in their parents' relationship (or lack thereof), and everyone has <i>expectations</i> based on what they saw -both the good and bad. Those models can silently creep in and determine our frustrations, fears and limitations, or we can explore and decide for ourselves how we will work with the blueprints we inherited. Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-47041804210375816972012-11-06T00:11:00.000-05:002013-04-08T00:11:47.915-04:00Thought of the Day (#5)<i>Every so often, I work out a little phrase or thought. Often it
seems like I've heard it before, but I'll admit I don't read libraries
of literature and I'm not well versed in the world's quotes. In any
case, here's one from the other day: </i><br />
<blockquote>
"Telling someone what to do is easy, but leadership requires
consideration for the consequences to all parties involved. That
responsibility is no small burden, demanding empathy and insight,
acceptance of feedback and adapting to changing circumstances."</blockquote>
<i>As always, thoughts and feedback are welcome. </i><br />
<br />
<br />Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8252262388416087547.post-55051114714670835292012-09-11T17:00:00.000-04:002012-09-11T17:00:06.158-04:00Men 101: Physical ProximityAfter my side-note on <a href="http://masculinejew.blogspot.com/2012/09/oh-long-distance.html">this post</a> about long distance, I remembered something very interesting about how I relate to physical proximity with others.<br />
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I think -on the whole -we men actually build relationships of different kinds through physical proximity. For example, my gym buddy isn't someone I need to talk to about my personal problems or feelings. We go to the gym, have a workout, and go our separate ways. But after doing that for some time, I'm comfortable and feel close with him. Some of my best guy friends are dudes that I spend time with playing board games and card games, sports or just living together as roommates.<br />
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We don't need to sit down and talk about our deep feelings to bond, just spending time around each other, especially engaging in activities together, builds a connection. Kind of like the guys on a sports team. They don't sit around the locker room drinking tea and talking about their relationships and feelings to become friends -they do that <i>after</i>, when they already feel bonded by spending time together. <br />
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In fact, when some of my guy friends have moved away, our relationship somewhat stagnated. In person we are right back to where we used to be. But from far away, it's just not the same. Talking online or via phone doesn't really build the connection so much.<br />
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So I posit this: Men bond through physical proximity. Just spending time together. Perhaps not exclusively, but in a big way. <br />
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I don't mind doing an activity as a date, as much as I enjoy talking. In fact, in many ways it's really more about spending time together than talking. Of course the exception is when information-seeking, but I'm talking about building a bond, not trying to figure out what a woman is going to do with her hair when she's married or what she thinks about television and movies. There's gathering intel, and there's bonding with someone; I think they are two different things. Ish Yehudihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09559113766026730554noreply@blogger.com0