Men 101: Directness

Guys, by nature, tend to be very direct.

When we need to go to the bathroom, we'll blurt it out. If we're hungry or thirsty, we say so... and immediately begin the search for food. We can be very vocal about our needs, because we learn that the way to get what we want is to be very clear about what we want and go for it. Either say something, or learn to deal with it.

That does lead us to assume that if someone wants something from us, they will be the same way. So, if I do something that annoys someone, I don't need to worry about it. Why think about whether it bothers the other person, or ask them how they feel? If it's a big deal, the person will tell me. Our radars ignore many things -the way we ignore the sound of a fan blowing in the room or learn to tune out street noise in urban areas -until they are pointed out to us.

To be clear, ignoring doesn't mean we don't care; we just aren't primed to constantly attend to all the little details, or think about all the underlying motivations, thoughts and feelings of everyone else all the time. With most good guys, we're receptive when our attention is directed at those thoughts and feelings, even if many guys don't know what to do about them (which is a whole other topic). In fact, since we work on a system of directness, having clear direction for how to deal with those thoughts/emotions can be extremely useful. As always, men would assume that if a woman wants to be listened to -if that's what she needs -she would just say so (a la "I've had such a terrible day, I just want to vent about it. Can you simply listen to all the frustrating details, so I can get it off my mind? That's what I need to let it go.") .

While it seems pretty simple and straightforward to guys, it may not be so easy to deal with or intuitive for women to do; many stereotypes about male incompetence, ignorance and insensitivity stem from this basic difference in how we relate to each other and the expectations we have for how we should relate to one another.

So when we're saying something, it's often a literal statement to directly communicate valuable information to the other person. Even when we're listening, that's how we tend to take what the other person says -as a direct communication of information -instead of thinking about the embedded thoughts, motivations or feelings that are being expressed and/or (have been) experienced.