Halachic Prenup from the Inside Out

As I read the recent Commentator article advocating for Halachic Prenups, I had a number of thoughts and some very conflicted feelings.

On the one hand, I get the point. Part of the advocacy is starting a movement, creating general practice. Of course it meets with resistance (as most major changes do) and the article is addressing said resistance. Some of the (counter)points rubbed me the wrong way, though. Which -as per usual -got me thinking.

I happen to generally be in favor of granting leverage over people who are abusing power as is the case in withholding a get. In fact, I have brokered a number of Halachic Prenups with couples who have had all kinds of challenges and tensions broaching, considering, and working through the process.

Let me emphasize that point: IT IS A PROCESS. Not something that should be expected to easily or simply be "taken care of" or "required" like paperwork. Most of the Halachic Prenups I have had to broker have been with couples who may have brought up the topic once or twice and then two weeks before the wedding began actually working through it. Bringing it up evokes fears, insecurities, and even blame in both men and women.

I want to make a brief but powerful distinction in how I am considering the Halachic Prenup in contrast to the article. I am considering the interpersonal, relationship-oriented perspective of what it is like to consider the Halachic Prenup from my view as a man (and experience with couples). The author of the article was making points and putting forth arguments for leaders of Jewish communities, considering the broader impact and goals of the Halachic Prenup. I agree with that view in principle, and I am considering the complex set of feelings and implications of a couple actually facing the possibility, with all the fears, insecurities, implications, and reactions that may come up. The way I see it, making a global argument to a couple in crisis over the feelings and reactions evoked (as I have faced several times with couples) is not particularly helpful in that moment.

As a quick (and perhaps dirty) comparison, consider what it may feel like for a woman who gets engaged and the groom suggests or demands a financial prenuptial agreement. Whatever the reason, it may certainly evoke strong feelings, questioning the man's trust in her, feeling that he is looking towards the end rather than being in the relationship. There are many, many differences between financial and Halachic Prenups, but the point here is that they share some similarities and may thus evoke similar feelings.

I certainly admit to having understood a man feeling that way when his fiance demanded he sign a Halachic Prenup. I can admit to considering how I would think if I were in his shoes myself, and have experienced that same feeling myself.

Some points that came to mind (and then I will consider them more in depth):

1) It communicates strong feelings, which may include fear, anxiety, and insecurity while advocating addressing those feelings by requesting a contract from the other person.

It is form a vulnerability, the potential of being stuck. Hearing stories and knowing others who are chained can sow insecurity and doubt. Not unfounded doubt, the possibility is certainly present. While presenting a Halachic Prenup may provide a security, it is addressing the concern with a request/demand on the partner. From my own perspective, I dislike the idea of addressing feelings by placing a contract on the other person as a general rule, especially with a spouse. I know it can be very helpful in this instance, though I dislike that it may communicate "this is the way to deal with relationship issues."

I acknowledge there are certainly more than feelings at stake, which leads me to point #2...

2) There is a small (or not so small) part of requesting/suggesting/demanding a Halachic Prenup which communicates that the man (or woman) is capable or even likely to withhold (reject) a get.

The issue in point #2 is that it constitutes a breach of trust in the relationship.  Like insurance, it may be considered a policy for safety, but the need for such a policy means there is a risk. The risk here is between two people, i.e. how they treat one another, which implies that one (in particular often the man) is the risk factor. It can even feel accusatory, particularly for a man who would not consider himself or his relationship at risk of getting to that point. Being the risk factor is certainly hard to hear, and may be construed as (pre)blame. I believe that breach is both mend-able and even strengthens a relationship when effectively addressed.

3) This Halachic Prenup is about other men/women, about agunot. Not about You/Me/Us.

This message is both prevalent in the article and one of the most used arguments when met with resistance. First, I have to say it is the worst way to try and convince a partner to accept a Halachic Prenup. Second, I believe it actually subverts the interpersonal or relationship concerns, which include insecurity and trust. 

As I noted above, I am very much for movements and policies that grant leverage over people who abuse power, and the Halachic Prenup has potential to be quite effective. However, my own thoughts have brought to my attention the impact of considering the Halachic Prenup on a micro-scale, i.e. within a relationship.

I was once given advice that I should spend a day in family court before deciding to get married: half a day in divorce court and half a day in child-custody. At first it sounded like a horrible ordeal to witness and a sure way to dissuade me from marriage. Then I realized that if I am able to consider the worst with my partner and we can get through it together we will likely never get there. Working together through issues that tear couples apart can be a way to build a stronger relationship. 

I am a stubborn believer in being prepared and working together in relationships and especially in marriage. To me, that is likely to include having very difficult conversations about raising children, financial issues, and Halachic concerns -both concerning (a) working towards staying together and (b) the unpleasant possibility that we split up. I still believe in it, I plan on having those conversations -including the Halachic Prenup and working through it with whomever I end up with.

Dating Towards a Shared Vision

The Gottmans are a power couple in the field of relationships. Dr. John Gottman is a relationship researcher and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz, is a clinician. I attended a seminar about their perspective on couples in which Dr. J. Gottman talked about his research on successful couples.

One of the most striking pieces of his work that struck me is the concept of a shared vision. Practically every successful couple has a shared vision, a set of goals and values that the partners lean on one another to achieve together. During the seminar, he posited that the shared vision is created together.

Which got me thinking about how we date, or at least what I'd thought about how we date. The impression I had when I entered the dating world is that each person has their criteria, their list, their image of what marriage, life, children should look like. We are each trying to find the other person to fit that bill.

I started wondering if maybe instead of looking for that image in another person we should be looking for the person with whom we can create a new image.

Perhaps it wasn't so relevant when we consider the dating history of frum Jews. Living and growing up in small communities may have created a community image, a shared image that children grew up with. Variations may have been smaller. Perhaps in some ways we still have those small communities and still look within them for that shared image. It may have worked then, perhaps it still works today for some.

On the one hand, it seems easy to choose someone based on their fit with our image, and then we stay with them because we like their character and find them attractive. However, it can be quite difficult to find someone who fits that image, and to expect or look for character and attraction in addition can sometimes seem like a tall order.

On the other hand, choosing someone based on character and attraction may seem difficult too, and with the added work of creating a shared image, of having to work and not so easily have the life, marriage, family that we expect or dream of in this moment can also feel like a tough expectation to swallow.

Which way resonates with you?

Dating: Traditional Vs Feminist

Every not-so-often, I get a suggestion from someone -family, friend, a random disgruntled date -that I should probably go for a woman who is more traditional.

Personally, I feel conflicted. On the one hand, I was raised in a very traditional family. My Mother felt a deep sense of responsibility and fulfillment in taking care of us kids, cooking and creating a home environment, while my Father was the breadwinner and head of the household. On the other hand, my family also has some distinct non-traditional leanings. My Mother has more formal education than my Father, while my Father was more than happy to change my diapers and get to cooking/cleaning when he got home from work and my Mother was busy (either playing with us kids or with work/school). In many ways, I'd like to think my parents were flexible in their roles.

But there's more to it than that. I saw bits of both the traditional and non-traditional relationship in my parents. Truth be told, I think I absorbed a value for both, and I want both -or parts of both. Which can all be very confusing, since at times they seem to be in conflict with one another. On top of that, I grew up exposed to American culture and media, which has a whole other set of values and expectations for relationships. Of course it's not so simple, and I'm working through my own values. 

As much as I feel conflicted and confused about my expectations and values, I can imagine that it might be just as conflicting and/or confusing for women. So I'd like to throw a question out there for all the ladies out there: Do you experience a similar conflict for yourself? How do you deal with it?

Dating Models

Everyone wants to date models, and while I'm sure plenty of people fantasize about it, this post explores something slightly different. 

We all have an image of how to date, and perhaps the type of person we want to date. Often times, we base this on our experiences, seeing things we like and things we don't. Our upbringing has a significant impact on that image, as our expectations are often shaped by the experiences we had growing up, both in terms of the good -which we want to replicate -and the bad -which we avidly avoid like the plague.

So when it came time to start dating, I found myself asking a lot of questions about how others dated. Married friends, single friends, random people on the street, Shadchanim (some of whom decided it's their mission to dictate what I should do and some whose wisdom I continue to cherish)... practically anyone who I could squeeze for a perspective.

I have to say, the single most influential couple in my life is my parents. I grew up watching their ongoing romance -and sometimes lack thereof -both subconsciously and with rapt attention. Some things I decided to avoid at all costs, while others I absorbed with pride and hope to replicate in my own future marriage. Most importantly, though, are those elements of their relationship that silently slipped into my subconscious mind, planting seeds that grew without my notice.

The longer I'm dating, the more I discover some of those seeds, though more often than not they've grown into fruit-bearing trees that have fed my insecurities, frustrations and successes alike.

For example, my parents have some very different attitudes and beliefs. When they met, my Father was far more traditional than religious, and my Mother was far more religious than traditional. My Mother's family grew up immensely wealthy, while my Father did not experience that privilege. My Mother came from a very large family, my Father less so. My Mother is decidedly Democratic and my Father robustly Republican.

(Would such a couple date or marry today? I wonder... )

They grappled with so many issues and differences between them, including religious observance, finances, children, and politics. But what they did was create a shared vision together, and put every ounce of effort into building that dream into a reality. In truth, both my parents are immensely proud of that work, and so much of that dream has been realized through their choices and their relationship (of course there is always more!). They compromised in thousands upon thousands of ways over years, each one giving up huge parts of their individual dreams to build something together. 

I am beginning to realize how their relationship affects my expectations, in big and small ways alike. My mind absorbed so much from them, such as valuing flexibility and being less picky about many differences between myself and a potential partner as well as expecting and hoping to replicate one of our family rituals wherein everyone stops what they are doing, gets up, and meets my Father and/or Mother at the door when they come home from their long days.

In other ways, I would like to choose my own path, since my experience growing up had its unpleasant moments. I cannot overestimate the effect of seeing my parents argue over some of their issues without ever really seeing a reconciliation happen (though they always did reconcile and build a stronger relationship together). I resolved to learn how to reconcile conflict even though I did not get to learn by observing my parents, and I very strongly believe that children should have that opportunity to learn by witnessing their parents work through conflict rather than just experiencing the arguments that spill out from behind closed doors. Part of me feels it is important to protect children but more than that I believe that as a parent my primary mission is to teach them, by example wherever possible.

It can be so clear sometimes. I met a woman whose mother begrudgingly gave up her own career so that she could stay home and raise her children. Her mother's resentment became her insecurity, and this woman grew to feel petrified of marriage, assuming it means she gives up her own life for someone else just to create a family life.

Another man I know watched his parents argue for years, slowly becoming bitter towards each other and finally divorcing. The parents' sniping led him to expect his partner would take belittle him too, and he often seemed to be waiting for the hammer to come down any time a potential argument broke out.

I know a single mother whose son grew to have great admiration for her, but lacked a sense of his own role and meaning in a relationship. In some ways, without a father as a male role model, he felt lost and useless. His mother got along just fine without a man, so what makes him important in a relationship? He struggled with feeling important and needed, assuming that his feelings and needs are not necessary to express and have fulfilled for a successful marriage/family. On the flip-side, I have seen men like this who grew up to expect a woman will take care of everything for them (after all, his mother seemed to manage beautifully!). 

Everyone sees something in their parents' relationship (or lack thereof), and everyone has expectations based on what they saw -both the good and bad. Those models can silently creep in and determine our frustrations, fears and limitations, or we can explore and decide for ourselves how we will work with the blueprints we inherited.

Quote of the Day #10

Every so often, I work out a little phrase or thought. Often it seems like I've heard it before, but I'll admit I don't read libraries of literature and I'm not well versed in the world's quotes. In any case, here's one from the other day: 

"I find it a profound irony that we spend all of our time dating obsessing about similarity and our relationships/marriages learning to appreciate and overcome our differences. "

As always, thoughts or feedback are appreciated.

Lie to Me

http://www.silverbearcafe.com/private/images/pinnochio.gif

I was once sitting in class with a bunch of students, and we were debating -along with the teacher -whether lying is a virtue or virulent force in life. Of course, one cannot avoid how this would impact a relationship, especially a marital relationship, and so the topic derailed, veering into marriage territory. So when I commented that I don't really advocate lying to a woman, especially not for the express purpose of pandering to her emotions, she (the teacher) practically exploded with words that will ring in my head for the rest of my life: 

"When your wife asks you 'honey, do I look fat in this outfit?' you'd better lie to her! So help you... if you don't, you'll be miserable. I'm sure of it."

Even the anger and the tone with which she expressed that sentiment was overwhelming, and threatening. It felt like being talked down to, being emotionally blackmailed. Having to act a certain way, to avoid wrath.

The most important message I learned from that experience is that when I feel that way -as though being truthful is wrong, that I need to cater to a person's emotions out of fear for the fallout or the consequences -there is something very wrong going on. A person shouldn't feel that way in a relationship, shouldn't be afraid of honesty. That's genuinely how I feel.

Now I'm sure that if I don't address how I would deal with a question like the one my teacher brought up, I'll have a ton of women jumping to her defense. While I don't particularly believe in obfuscating truth out of fear, especially not when it is a fear for how a woman will feel, I do believe that it's important to address the real concern. Sometimes, a woman may want actual feedback because she wants to look her best. Other times, she wants reassurance; to know and hear and feel her own beauty.

We guys, though, can feel stuck. Mostly because we think in very straightforwardly logical terms. So when we are asked a "yes or no" question we often think only in terms of answering "yes" or "no." In truth, I've found that often enough, women are communicating differently through their questions than I normally think. So I have to stop myself from wanting to answer "yes/no" and think about her point, whether she's looking for reassurance or being nit-picky about something small or actually needs/wants feedback. It's just not so straightforward as my own brain would see it.

Answering a "yes/no" question with something like "I'm not a fair judge, you are simply beautiful to me whether you're all dressed up or sporting a sweater" doesn't actually answer the question logically or literally, but it sure does address something important. Oh, and if I didn't actually think she's beautiful without all the make-up and the heels... then I've got a whole other set of problems to deal with, and lying is the least of them.