Men of Inferior Quality

I've heard so many devaluing generalizations about men across the board, from Beit Yaakov schools to liberal education. Comments about men being socially inept (especially as compared to women), shallow, selfish, insensitive, interested exclusively in sex, uncaring, and having the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon. Beyond that, just not being up to scratch -not being a learner, earner, rich rabbi-doctor, partner-of-the-century,  intimacy-oriented, perfect present/future father, Adonis, and communicator extraordinaire.Take your pick, mix n' match whichever resonate with you.

For some examples, See these posts on devaluation, ironic standards, gender differences, and outrageous expectations.

I heard it all. In my classrooms growing up, in the my Mother's minor complaints and big arguments with my Father, from female friends starting in middle school and continuing with a steady stream of criticism and complaint up to yesterday afternoon. It's on billboards in subtle and overt ways, in movies, and even the ultra-orthodox community.

For the last twenty years it's most of what I heard about men as a whole. It has been the hip thing to do as long as I can remember -just blame men for their ineptitude and lack of quality. It justifies the anger, frustration, and pain. It's easier to sit up on high and judge men negatively. Nevermind that the Torah says not to do that. 

Let me tell you about some of the damage it has caused and continues to wreck.


Men are considered failures from the get-go. Not because we actually are inept, but because we are told that is who we are and how we are perceived. Regardless of achievement and growth, self-awareness and sensitivity. We are still considered inept simply because we belong to the male sex. If you want to quote the exceptions, or provide examples I invite you to consider that those are precisely the "exceptions that prove the rule." I have certainly made plenty of mistakes in dating including some serious faux pas, like forgetting to call a woman back within a few days of a date. Those mistakes had nothing to do with my character, as in the above example I happened to have been swamped with school, research, and field work that I had not anticipated in the following days that simply flew by. I was surprised to have missed the time. I faced significant ridicule for that little snafu, irrespective of my circumstance and character. In fact I had more than a few attacks on my character for it. 

If I were a woman and thought this way about men, I would never want to go on a date with a guy. In fact, as a man if I thought this way about women I would have a chip the size of Antarctica on my shoulder and I'd be considered a misogynist, among all manner of other unseemly names. Seems like a wonderful place to start when looking for a life partner.

It's insulting to be admired for sensitivity despite being a man. If I had a choice, and could grow up in the way I wanted, I would make sure I grew up in an environment that taught me to be sensitive is to be a wonderful man. It's much better than learning that men are all insensitive and that insensitivity is contemptible. I would much rather be admired for being a wonderful man than non-man-like person.

For those who do not understand the implications of this, let me spell it out. When I hear a woman express negative beliefs about men or generalizations about what men are like based on negative experiences, I am very concerned. I have a hard time believing that a woman can harbor deep seeded negative beliefs and resentment towards men yet have a healthy intimate relationship with admiration and respect for a man.

In fact, I think those beliefs are particularly harmful for dating. I can sense when a woman has those beliefs and it is a serious turn-off. Either I have to work extra-hard all the time to compensate, distinguish myself, and maintain an image of being Superman (which is exhausting and not realistic since I cannot change someone else's mind) or when I fail -even the normal flawed failures that humans all experience -then I am just like all those other men. It's a no-win scenario. I have had this unfortunate experience more than once.

While it may initially feel good to be considered special and unique, I need a woman to build a home with, and that home will create an environment for our children. I think it's important for a father to teach his son about what it means to be a man, and that message should be confirmed and validated by his mother (and vice-versa for daughters).

I plan on raising my children with positive images of manhood and masculinity, and I need a wife and future mother who will validate those both to myself and my (God willing) future sons so that they will grow up seeing and knowing a positive image of manhood in their father and themselves. Only in that way will they strive for and achieve it with encouragement, modeling, and validation. If our children hear and absorb negative images and beliefs about men at home, it will be validated by the messages they hear outside, which will have powerful consequences for their own growth and development. I have and will continue to work hard at creating a positive and nurturing environment for my future children, and that means ensuring that the woman I am with has a strong positive image of men.

Blaming and devaluing men (or women, but in this case I'm focusing on the former) as a group is a damaging and destructive way of explaining frustrating and painful experiences, be that in dating or other contexts because it leads to images and beliefs which continue to negatively impact how we treat and think about one another. It's a lot more helpful to explain it as a temporary, situational, specific event rather than in a way that generalizes men in a permanent way.

Shush!

Shushing a child in public communicates that you care more about how everyone else around them feels than how they feel.

Think about it for a moment. A child begins to fuss, whimper and even cry or scream. And what does the parent do... Do they first ask themselves about what the child is feeling, thinking, having trouble with? Do they look around pleadingly or embarrassed? Do they scoop the child up and rush off? Do they chastise the child? Do they tell the child how to feel, or how not to feel? Do they encourage the child to understand how they are feeling, what they are responding to? Do they yell? Are they calm? Do they bark commands? Are they narrating and showing the child their own thought process?

I think it is always important to first acknowledge their emotions, then grant them the awareness of their surroundings. It is important to recognize how they feel, to give that the first priority. It's also important to teach them about social norms, rules and expectations. But it's how we do so that builds an enduring trust and bond.

For example, saying something like, "You look really upset, because you want ice cream, but we're not getting ice cream today. You really really wanted ice cream. I wish we could give you ice cream every day, whenever you want. It's really upsetting not to get what we want when we want it. There are also a lot of people around, and yelling is not for the supermarket because it is disruptive. We use indoor voices at the supermarket, because other people also use indoor voices and everyone needs to do their shopping. When we are upset, we can say 'I am very upset because I want ice cream and I can't get ice cream' instead."

While it may seem long or convoluted, it communicates a few very important things. Firstly, that we are attuned to the child, their wants, needs and frustrations. That those things are very important to them, and to us. That we care about them and want to make them happy. That they won't always feel happy and we won't always be able to give them what they want, regardless of how we and/or they feel. That we need to be conscientious of our surroundings. That there is an appropriate way to communicate their feelings. (It is also to recognize that we need to be attuned to the way a child feels, because if we aren't they will have to escalate in order to ensure we're getting the message.)

If the child is still very upset, then they probably did not feel as though their feelings were truly heard and understood (some kids may learn that they are really only heard/understood when the parent responds with action or gives them what they want). So it's important to focus on their feelings. Sometimes, it's even important to leave (especially in a public place), though that can be an additional frustration for the child.


Otherwise, by shushing them, we just communicate to them that we care less about their feelings, what they are experiencing and who they are and more about how other people they think of us. Or maybe, we communicate that they need to try harder to really get our attention and make them a priority. Make no mistake, they will try harder, push and escalate. Children, more than almost anything else, want to be heard, understood and responded to. The attention and empathy is so important to them, it cannot be overstressed.

We don't always have to do what the child wants, but it's often much easier on both the child and the parents when we give them our understanding empathy.

Children Learn What They Live

is a poem written in 1998 by Dorothy Law Nolte (1924 - 2005):

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Teenage Trials and Tribulations

One of the most memorable things I heard about teenagers is that when children grow into that time of their life, they define themselves through separation -by rebellion. The basic underpinning idea is that we are much more attached and dependent on our parents when we are younger, but when we reach an age that we decide we want to be separate, we push back against the authority, pushing them away so that we can create the space to define ourselves.

That idea really resonated with me, and it still does.

It's the "terrible two's" all over again. When a kid turns about two years old, their favorite word is often "no." Disagreeing or denying is the msot important part of saying that "I" am not the same as "you." It is the mark of self-awareness. The mere action of saying "no" is asserting myself. The solution, for savvy parents, is to give options instead of orders (Would you like outfit #1 or outfit #2? Would you like to go to bed right now or in 10 minutes?). Instead of forcing one way, to allow two (maybe three) choices gives such a young child a dregree of independence, self-determination. My choice means that I am an individual, that I get to assert myself, my needs, wants, desires, hopes and expectations.

But then what's so complicated about being a teenager?

As teenagers having a choice isn't enough, because that is still being burdened by a system, by a way of thinking and a host of assumptions about who we are. The mentality is one of: "Forget the choices, I want to determine my own choices! And then I want to pick the one I want from among them!"

We have to determine who we are and how we get to be that person, we want to feel our own influence at that point. The way it works, though, is that we feel a need to "push back" many of those influences, especially those that give orders or determine aspects of our lives... by pushing back we create the space and then get to explore who we are, what we like to do and what we don't. We can't find it if we feel trapped in doing only what is prescribed (this is where peer-pressure and non-conformity also comes in).

For parents the art is one of creating the space without losing basic boundaries, rules and principles. To throw away all rules is to completely lose the anchor for our values and beliefs. As parents, I think it would be really scary to think a teenage son/daughter may lose the values we tried to instill in them. As a teen, it may seem necessary to create the space and explore.

Which is, generally, the basic conflict. It's often less about the exact time of curfew, or specific clothing choice and more about asserting one's own taste or individuality. Perhaps requiring first that we push, and try to expand or move the boundaries further to allow for that exploration.

For a parent, it marks (the beginning of) a huge shift from a "caretaker/manager/teacher role" to a "support role." Truth be told, I think that shift begins much earlier, but it tends to hit much harder at this particular juncture because of the way that the family undergoes restructuring at this point in time (with pushing-away of authority and boundary-moving creating an entirely different dynamic that is foreign to parents' experiences and expectations with their children thus far).

The Skill of Parenting

I was reading a parenting book -as I'm apt to do with my free time - entitled Between Parent and Child by Dr. Ginott, which discusses the importance and application of empathy through addressing a child's emotions first in parenting, and I came across a fascinating annecdote that I felt many people would appreciate and not enough hear:

Recently in an electronics store, the owner said to me "I heard you discuss discipline and I don't agree with you." He stretched out the palm of his hand. "This is my psychology," he said proudly. I asked him whether he applied the same "palm method" in fixing a computer, stereo or TV set. "Oh, no," he replied. "For that you need skill and knowledge. These are complex instruments."

Issues of corporal punishment as a parenting method aside, the message is quite still clear. I think it's interesting how we don't start our education for becoming doctors, lawyers, accountants, psychologists, teachers or virtually any career just nine months before we begin working (and never-mind initiating that training the day we take a position!). We know it takes years to master, and dedicate large chunks of each day to learning the required information and skills. We are aware that every situation requires preparation and application of a specific set of learned skills.

Personally, that's why I have dedicated tremendous time and effort in preparing myself to be a better parent. Thus, the parenting books. Then again, I think the same about relationships and marriage -particularly because I see marriage, children and family so intimately intertwined -so I dedicate significant time and effort into that as well.