A Part of Me

Most kids have silly moments, and some kids are silly by nature. I made the silly-by-nature kids seem serious. In the five hundred or more pictures that were taken during my childhood, I had a normal smile in roughly two of them. The rest consisted of every possible set of muscular contortions that a face could accomodate -amounting to a set of odd, asymmetrical, eyebrow-raising/smushing, cheek warping faces that still make me wonder what mood I could have been in to inspire such facial acrobatics.

I always had a silly comment on my tongue -the kind that always seems completely tangential from outside, but made sense in my brain, or if you'd spent the past day (or week) with me. In those days, I used a lot of shorthand -single words to replace entire jokes, references, or phrases. I had a million and one voices which I used frequently for everyday activities. At some point when I was seven, I seriously considered becoming a voice actor for cartoons -well, as seriously as any kid my age was about becoming a firefighter, astronaut, or president. I'm fairly certain that I had fewer than a handful of serious bones in my body.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), as I got older much of it faded away. Some kinds of humor transfer well into the grown-up world, though people tend not to respond very well to seemingly random, out of place, and silly words, phrases, or voices. They don't have a place in the adult world. Neither did my funny bones, so as I grew I lost them. After a while I forgot that I could produce the screeches, squawks, dings, bungs, and flongs of my childhood. There's little space for non-sequitur, ridiculous, shenanigans of the like my childhood was made of.

Of course change is often gradual, so I didn't really notice. It seemed like a natural part of growing up and becoming a respectable adult in society. After a time, I forgot there ever was a part of me that was so silly, that nonsense syllables could be hilarious and meaningful, or that Dr. Seuss's books embodied so much of what I never wanted to let go of as a child and be as an adult. I forgot what it is like to laugh so hard I needed to make a serious conscious effort to inhale. I forgot how much being silly is such a part of the youthful me, a part of my inner child that needs nourishing as much as my adult body. I let go of ever being that way again. 

And then I met someone who brought all of that back into my world. We have our own little universe where all the silliness of my childhood has found a home again (along with serious conversations, stories and anecdotes about ourselves, our families, beliefs, and much, much more). I had never expected that part of myself -from such a different time in my childhood -to find a place in my life again. Not only that, I didn't realize how much I missed it until it became part of the adult me. It's amazing how something I had forgotten about and found again unexpectedly made me feel so alive and whole.

Seeing that mirrored in another person, in a relationship, is beyond thrilling. My abs are constantly sore (just like when I was a kid) because we spend more than half our time together laughing hysterically. I found a lost treasure, one that lights up my life.

Find Inspiration, Make a Plan, and Watch it Fail

Sometimes, I revel in ironic shock at the sheer number of things that must converge for a moment to occur -the type of moment that jolts my attention, sends an electric bolt through my mind, stirs my heart, and instantly forms the resolve in my soul: I will find a way meet and get to know her.

The rest is a confluence of meticulous planning, some smoothness, and a serious dose of what could either be called arbitrary luck or the hand of God.

Sometimes, you look across a dimly lit room, lock eyes with a gorgeous woman, and feel butterflies in your stomach. That day, the room was bright, she had just ended a ridiculously long work day, and didn't look back at me. I later found out that she felt sweaty, disgusting, and exhausted. I was nowhere near her radar, though I was aware of her from the moment she stepped into the goodbye party for our mutual friend.

That was the moment I started calculating. I know I've talked about preferences before (here and here), yet it still caught me off guard when I encountered someone who immediately seemed to fit so much of my "type." Every cog in my brain was turning with the express goal of inserting myself into a conversation, finding an appropriate moment and method of introduction, making a point of connection. While the inside of my head churned furiously, I waited patiently. I joined other conversations with friends while very intently paying attention to my peripheral vision. I cannot remember the last time I multitasked so strenuously that my mouth was on autopilot while my brain was in a completely different zone.

She was having a conversation by a table with drinks, so I carefully chose an angled approach to the drink table, ostensibly getting water. Who cares that I was actually thirsty, I was on a mission. I listened hard as I poured water, spilling a little because of my careless attention to the useless task of actually getting liquid in my cup. The moment I turned to add a comment to the conversation, both her body and the conversation took a turn away from me.

Mission failed, for now.

Don't ask how many cups of water I got over the next hour. Sometimes, a move just doesn't work, but for lack of another tactic -and honestly because getting a cup of water and taking a drink is no small comfort in a social setting that I'm feeling lost in -I just kept going back for more water.

One thing I absolutely love about being a man is that when people leave a party, I have and ace in my back pocket; the perfect gentlemanly way of getting into a short conversation with a person of interest is while manscorting her.

It was a short conversation, perhaps about sixteen minutes and forty seven seconds. We walked to the main road where she wanted to get a cab, then spent several minutes failing to find one, to my inner delight. So we contended ourselves with the evolving conversation keeping us company. She had an endearing sarcastic wit to her that could only be described as sassy, and I told her as much. She told me I didn't have to wait, and when I simply stood there with a confident yet semi-puzzled look and said, "I know" to convey that I was merely enjoying the fleeting moment, she insisted by saying "you've been nothing but a gentleman." Of course, as is wont in such picturesque scenarios, that very moment was when no less than four cabs appeared -one from each direction of the intersection -and she was whisked off into the night, leaving me with an extra spring in my step as I walked home.

That was at the end of the evening, and thus the end of this part of the story.

The Chain of Dating

At the beginning of summer, one of my married friends set me up. Not the everyday setup, this one had been in the works for eight months. Yup, that long. It was hard to say no, despite my previous assertions, though mostly because I had practically said yes already several months beforehand. The short version of the story is that the lovely woman and I were alternately too busy or seeing someone else. The sheer persistence of my friend allowed the pairing to come together as the spring semester ended, both for me as a student and her as a teacher. I haven't experienced it often, but on rare occasion someone gets an idea into their head and simply will not let go of it. I have to say, half the time it's flattering and the other half annoying. This time it was more flattering, or maybe that was when it finally worked out after hearing about it every five weeks. 

It was a pleasant first date at a coffee shop, which has quickly become the bread-and-butter of my first date experiences (cue sidebar). Aside from the ease in planning, and the flexibility for length of date depending on how it's going, it requires less thought and investment but can be creative. In short, it's the quickest, simplest, on-the-fly date I can plan with a creative twist if I want to bring board-games or other tabletop activities with locations everywhere. I've been known to shoehorn the coffee first date into an impromptu park walk or parlay into another date-like activity when it was going very well, and finish my drink faster to end it within an hour when it's not. 

Rant aside, I enjoyed the date. I found her bright, opinionated, accepting, passionate about her career, and we connected in our mutual interest and joy in working with children. It was, however, short lived. One and done, as she didn't see our personalities meshing. I was impressed and found myself thinking that she's fantastic, despite my limited experience with her. I had hoped to get to know her better. Oh well. 

Then the chain began. She set me up with a friend of hers, and I do sincerely believe that someone I've been on a date with knows me better than a Shadchan would, at least in the realm of experiencing me. Since I'm not much for categories I thought I'd give it a whirl. Another coffee date. Another one and done. She set me up with a friend of hers too. It all began to feel a bit like I was getting passed around a group of friends -all of whom let me down easy (read: guiltily -though it made me curious as to why is it that these wonderful women felt so bad about not being interested?), said I'm a great guy, and set me up with a friend in turn. At least the last one had a bit more substance -intellectual conversations over art, talk about emotions and matters of the heart, getting deeper into our personal stories -the kind that are milestones and shape who we are. 

As an aside, I joked with my sister that I was being handed off. Then she told me that she recently did the same thing with a number of men she'd dated over the summer as well! Of course I heard stories and connections that were made about the personalities, interests, and wants of these men and what inspired the idea. It was eye opening to see that from the other side. 

Ultimately, the dating chain ended. As it turns out, I still prefer the flexible, potentially spontaneous, straightforward coffee first date. I also had a light bulb moment after my summer dating stint. Dating is a huge pain, right up until the moment you find someone you like (and who likes you back). Then it is the simple thrilling joy of discovering that person (and, incidentally yourself).

But that's another story for another time. Soon. 

Farewell to the Shidduch Dating World

I've tried it, over and over. Between websites, shadchanim, friends setting me up, I've racked more dates than I want to remember with more women than I should have kept count. Let's just say after reaching 75 I realized that counting is not productive for me, just as dating the "frum" way isn't productive for me. In fact, I'm not sure it really ever was -I certainly didn't quite fit that mold.

What does all this mean? Will I never go on a blind date or shidduch date? Will I be off the internet dating websites forever? Is this my last post? I have no definitive answers forever. I have searched my doubts, considered whether I should simply redouble my efforts, "tone down," "read between the lines," and just keep slogging along the same route(s). As Einstien said, though, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. For my sanity, I need to try something else, something new, something different.

I'd like to be clear on a few points here. First, that this isn't about becoming less religious. In fact, I've found more observance as I've worked through the process, and a deeper connection with God as I continue to pour my heart and pain out -both in dating and in davening. I'm not talking here about letting go of my shomer ideology, I'm taking about a dating system that feels broken to me -a system I am now choosing not to participate in. Second, this isn't a decision of emotions, even as painful as it is. I have thought through the process and my place in it. I have come to the conclusion that it's not for me, and I will lay out the reasons below:

1) Relationships are made of experiences not criteria. There is some interesting research about the phenomenon in online dating (and I extend that to my experience of shidduch dating as well) regarding a distinction between search by criterion and experience and how much searching by some "measurable" criteria fails at actually finding compatibility. I am done with questions and information about potential dates (and myself) that have nothing to do with actually experiencing the other person.

2) People are not a pile of characteristics, nor do they need to fit our set of desires. Every time I see and hear about the "things" a woman is looking for, I have a nauseous and visceral retching reaction. It may well be (or not be) the case that I am "mature," "sensitive," "growth oriented," or "humerous," but I'm absolutely uninterested in trying to decide or cram myself into a bunch of those traits (and the religious/hashkafic ones as well) in order to determine my "fitness" or a woman's "fitness." It always felt to me that it's more about searching for those things than meeting and forming a connection with the person, much like objectifying as it is about finding something rather than being with someone. I've learned that people and life are much more vibrant, much less clean-cut, and far more interesting when related to as people than a pile of traits. The best of people are not only highly flawed (as I am), but own it -it is a core part of who they are. For me, it has been a journey of realizing that having a list was a road-block to recognizing and appreciating the entirely of another person.

3) I am a high-contact, deep-connection, intense person. There is something in moments of connection -moments of vulnerability, moments of listening and understanding, being understood, feeling deeply known and knowing the other, simply accepting without need for either myself or the other to be anything other than exactly what we are -that is essential and core to the way I am, every day. It is a testament to my being in the right place with my career. I am comfortable going zero-to-sixty when I sense what I am describing above, and it has been my experience that the "frum" dating world does not often foster that type of connection. In fact, I have often felt that all the protocols, labels, lists, and laborious information-gathering is counter to developing that type of connection.

4) Formal dating artificially increases pressure to consider marriage prematurely. Instead of thinking, "who is this person, I want to really understand them" I often found (and still find) myself asking "do I want to marry this?" over all the little things that I experience as early as the first date. My values for dating and relationships are so dissonant with this thinking that I actually cringed as I wrote that I have those thoughts. Ultimately, I think that is at the core of my choice here -the values I have cultivated for myself with respect to dating and relationships are so far and away from those I was introduced to and experienced in shidduch dating that I have come to recognize it's just not for me.

5) My highest value in a relationship is knowing and being known deeply, accepting and being accepted completely, and trusting one another to make our own way through personal struggles. The first time I experienced this, it was shocking that simply feeling known, understood, accepted, and trusted in my capability to engage life and my personal issues was so important. It's necessary to both have patience as we each struggle with our own challenges, flaws, issues, and find our own growth side-by-side. I certainly have a great deal I struggle with, but I don't need someone to push me along; I'd rather have someone simply sit with me when I am entrenched in my own issues, feeling that they know in their bones that I will make it through successfully in my own time. In dating, it translates as my taking time and continuing to go out in order to be with someone, to remain present and understand who they are, how they experience the world, and what brings them meaning.

There's a term that's been floating around which I really appreciate, "with-ness," which is some kind of amalgamation of "with" and "witness." It refers to the experience of standing by and sharing in experience while trusting the person to manage and take care of whatever is going on independently. There is a kind of deep trust and knowing which comes with that stance, and it is an experience I have experienced reciprocally and treasure. Aside from being rare, it is my way of searching for a soul mate. At this moment, I feel the shidduch system isn't very conducive to that way of relating.

Acting Out

This post represents the accumulation of a series of events that I've been reflecting on for some time. After dating intensely during my first year of grad school, taking a break for several months during my second year and finding a more balanced, if frustrating, experience through this year, I have realized three things:

1) I really dislike dating, especially formal/shidduch dating. I'll lump online dating here as well. I dislike the system(s), the imposed structures, the unnatural feeling and pressure I experience. I also dislike constantly feeling judged for little things and big things alike. Could be that's all in my head; perhaps I'm just an anxious person. However, throughout the past three years in particular I have felt and increasing frustration with my dating experience. On this point I'd like to add one thing: I am relationship-focused, and thoroughly enjoy being in a relationship. Most of my quibbles have to do with the initial process of contact and the "date procedure," with all of the hoops and qualifying questions people ask/check to make sure I "fit well enough" into what they want. I mean seriously, fitting into a box or a list is not something I like to do on a first date, I find it both uncomfortable and a tad insulting. I happen to believe we should take our dating partner holistically as a person, search for connection (and add values in here if you'd like, though I believe it takes longer to really understand a person's values), find a bit of romance. I don't want a box or list, I want a person. 

2) I really don't have time for it. This one requires some explanation, because if it were strictly a matter of time management, then there would be no problem. One of the things I have discovered is that with 70+ hour weeks, even when I carve out a block of time to (a) make plans, (b) get ready, (c) travel, (d) spend time and be present with the person, and (e) head back home, I find myself exhausted and stressed before the date (I'm getting exhausted even writing out the list!). Having to go on a weeknight date straight after my night classes (which end at 7pm on my early evenings) with my schoolbag in tow doesn't help either. There is always so much to be doing, so many responsibilities, and so many concerns looming that even when I'm on a date I feel them nagging at the edge of my consciousness. I'll admit that carving out time for some yoga, herbal tea, and relaxation beforehand to allow myself a chance to slow down might help, but it's not always practical and often I'm already sacrificing personal/school/work/research time just to be on the date. I will admit that viewing this time as a sacrifice rather than an investment -or as a chance to unwind, make jokes, and enjoy myself -probably also doesn't help.

3) I have been acting out rather than being honest with myself (and those women). Now I don't mean crying, throwing tantrums, or being rude. As I have reflected on the above points, I have come to realize that the way I present myself is a far more "under pressure" and non-ideal version of myself. I'm not ashamed of it, but I also don't think it's the most attractive side of me to be putting out on display. I can chalk it up to my long hours and the responsibilities of graduate school. I can also blame it on the system and my experience of the looming question "will I marry this person?" that silently invades dates and underlies many a question and conversation topic. But I'd rather be honest and acknowledge that I have not been on top of my game when it comes to dating.

Part of me has hoped that the person I'm on a date with can see through, or will give me more than one, two, or three chances to really get to know me -which is perhaps why I do this myself -but that may not be a realistic expectation. Perhaps I hope to find someone who is more like me and is patient and tolerant enough to invest in a relationship rather than making a quick choice within several hours of contact. In fact, those expectations and hopes likely fuel my frustration and growing resentment. 

But wait, then what should I do? How should I address this?

Well, I'm certainly not going to start blurting out my recent reflections prior to -or on -a first date. I have thus far found one work-around: meeting the person and developing a connection more organically rather than (a) point-blank asking women out within a short time of meeting them or (b) being set up via shadchan/friend. I acknowledge this particular method likely puts me in a significantly different dating pool, and I've been wondering if perhaps I'm simply more comfortable swimming in that pool. Other options include (1) taking a break until life lets up a bit (2) gritting my teeth and continuing to trudge along, (3) taking school/work/research less seriously to free up some of that stress, (4) changing my expectations/hopes, (5) loosening up and allowing the more relaxed, playful, fun part of me to show in other areas of my life -including formal/shidduch/online dating. That last one has the merit of all around increasing my happiness, though it may be a tad over-reaching just yet.

The first step is being aware. The second is making myself accountable, which I'm doing here. Where I go from here... I'll have to update y'all as I make progress. 

The Magic Number 2

I've noticed an interesting pattern in my own dating behavior, and I thought I'd share and get some perspective from the peanut gallery too...

I've written before about the importance of responsiveness (or receptivity) when it comes to interacting with a woman, and in the dating world generally. In the absence of an adequate level of responsiveness, I'll usually give it two tries, but then my motivation to continue plummets. This can be with respect to phone calls, texts, or other forms of contact as well as attempts to schedule another date. I'm tempted to generalize to all forms of initiation in the dating world (and possibly within my relationships as well). But let me not get ahead of myself yet.  

For example, there was a young woman I went on a first date with. It was a nice date and I felt that we began getting to know each other, so I called her up and asked her out again. She responded, "one of my friends is in town, so I'm busy that day." 

"Okay," I thought to myself "that happens. I like to spend time with my out-of-town friends too." So I suggested another potential time and venue. "That's not a good time for me either, I have a work function that night," she replied. At that point, I was simultaneously frustrated ("Well then, just tell me what works for you!") and in doubt ("Okay, I get the message. We're done here.").

It was seriously disheartening. So I said "Alright, let me know if your evenings open up" and I was done. Needless to say, I didn't contact her again.

Was that a mistake? God only knows. But I can say that my motivation plummeted as she told me she was unavailable, yet made no attempt to suggest a viable time. Twice.

In another situation, a mutual friend had followed through with a suggestion, giving me the "a-okay" to contact the lovely lady whose qualities had been so eloquently lauded. I texted her to see when she would like to talk (with the intent of setting a date, of course). A couple -there's that number two again -of quiet days later, I called her up. After ringing all the way to voice mail, I left a message. A day or two later and I'd mentally washed my hands of her. Did she ever contact me back? Yeah. Two weeks later (and no, she wasn't in a different country)... By which point I was long gone.

I've also been on dates that I felt it were dragging on. I don't need a woman to hang on my every word, but it's important to have more than a one-way conversation that feels like a therapy or interrogation session. I can ask a hundred questions, but after just two carefully crafted open-ended inquiries that are reciprocated with monosyllabic answers, I'm practically resigning. While I'm fairly confident I might be able to continue the line of inquiry -and even though I often will, for the sake of getting through the date -I'm usually giving up on the inside. 

On occasion I'll be more persistent. If there's something really pulling me, a strong point of connection, an emotional hook-point... I'll be motivated for longer. When I've had strong feelings, I've been known to pursue with more zeal. However, that is fairly uncommon in the  earliest stages of dating.

Could I be too sensitive? Sure, that's a definite possibility.
Am I missing out on opportunities? I'll submit to that potentiality.
Should I change my modus operandum? Ay, that's the question... I'm not so sure.

I can imagine I'm not the only guy who reacts that way. Part of me wants women to understand that just replying without giving more -be it a question or a suggested date option -will probably be taken as a sign disinterest (at least by me). Another part of me wonders if I'm just letting go too soon. Then again, in the wonderfully diverse world of dating my style is -like ice cream -just one flavor of many. I'll have to keep tabs and see if it's actually working for me or not.

Feel free to add your two cents.

Torn

The most difficult thing -for me -about a break up is the thoughts I'm left with immediately after. Running my mind through the things I really enjoyed about her, about our experiences together, about her character. Wondering about potential. Wondering about the path not taken.

Over time, that fades... life moves along, and I let myself get swept up.

After a little while, I find that some days I'm torn between enjoying and relishing my bachelor's freedom (again) versus the meaning and joy of engaging in the depth and connection of a relationship. Other days, it's one or the other. While I think I'll have days of each throughout my life, today is one of those conflicted days.

In fact, it's been a conflicted couple of weeks. After the initial "I've had enough" feeling following a break-up, I've noticed a pattern of feeling conflicted as I move on. That kind of ambivalence can make it tough to be motivated to get back into dating...

Sometimes, it just takes the nudge of meeting someone striking to get motivated again.

#1 on my List is...

I can safely say that the largest factor for me when it comes to dating (and women in general) is receptivity.

But before I explain and qualify myself, permit me to paint a picture that clearly shows the difference between an encounter with someone who is receptive and someone who isn't. Let's say I'm in a room full of singles ready to mingle. I am taking my time walking around slowly, allowing myself to scan and note anyone I find potentially appealing or attractive. That's how the first impression works, and I've come to trust in what I find interesting.

And let's say I see two women that I am interested in talking to, and perhaps for the sake of this illustration I will posit that I find one significantly more attractive than the other at the moment. So, as I mingle and make my way around the room (assuming I wouldn't just make a beeline for whomever I found interesting), I look over a few times. Say the more attractive one is oblivious to my existence, and the other attractive woman looks back and smiles. Can you guess which I would approach?

I would not give it a second thought. If there were a balance and the initial attraction had it tipped to one side, at this point it would be almost entirely weighed on the other side.

What I'm hoping for is an indication of potential interest because -let's face it -I know how I feel and what I am thinking, but not what she's thinking or feeling. I'm just not very likely to spend or waste my time trying to charm or convince a woman to be interested in me. Furthermore, with every response, smile, laugh and look I will find myself more attracted and interested in this woman and less interested in the other one.

In one sense, it's not super complicated: we are more attracted to people who we think and feel are attracted to us. That's why hearing a woman likes me or has an interest in me will more likely pique my interest in her.

The same has been my experience with online and shidduch dating. Whether it's because of emotional (interest/attraction) or logistical (school/work/being busy) factors, I'm MUCH more into a woman who is available and responsive to me (and of course we have lives, I don't expect 24/6 responsiveness).

And there you have a definition for receptivity: being available and responsive. Body language and nonverbals are just as important as listening and being open to hearing and responding to whatever stories, thoughts or jokes I'm sharing (and of course that goes two ways as well). It's not just about responding, but how she responds too.

Receptivity is honestly, seriously, actually, very attractive. Downright hott. It easily tips the scales for me.

I naturally gravitate towards people who are more responsive to me, and I assume that's the case for most people. On the flip side, when I sense less receptivity, I'm often finding myself less interested, less invested and less attracted.

Some people think that "playing the game" -when they wait, hold back and are not very receptive -works better. Maybe in America we were raised and told to play our cards close to our chest, to give up as little as possible it's understandable that people would do so. I would much rather smile and see smiles, tease and be teased, to quip and use wordplay, push away and pull in with playful communication.

I Don't Have Time For This...

I have been very cautious about the time I carve out for dating, and balancing that with my busy schedule. In particular, as I deal with graduate school and try to cram time in for dating, I'm finding that I have less and less wiggle room to date. Beyond that, since presenting my recently updated dating track record I've been thinking, analyzing and exploring how I feel about it.

I have to say, overall I'm not impressed. I have found myself curious and intrigued by the women I go out with, but find they either don't share that curiosity or choose not to give me that chance. I'm not the type to play games, I'm the type to have an open heart, but I've found myself more judged than ever. I've heard more excuses than I'd ever made, and most of them seem ridiculous to me.

While I'm focusing on graduate school, I'm thinking I don't have the time or energy to keep dating as I have over the past nine months. Perhaps bitterness is setting in, at least for the time being. Perhaps I just need (another) break and to focus on myself. Or maybe I just need to chill out a bit, who knows?

Perhaps it's time to change up the way I go about dating again. Or maybe it's just a grinding game of numbers. Perhaps -as the faithful would say -it's "not my time yet." Or maybe it's time for me to get super-picky and judgmental, to reject each woman who doesn't immediately feel exactly right for me.

Ugh. I seriously dislike that last thought. And the one before that, and -come to think of it -the one before that. In fact, the entire previous paragraph is frustratingly upsetting to think about right now. I'm working on creating space for someone else in my life and I'm not getting much receptiveness in return.

So I'm deciding it's time to coast along, bachelor style. Embrace where I am right now, stop thinking about making space for someone else who isn't yet in my life. Own what I want and pursue my own path. At least, for now.

Okay, time to put on my rocket pack. Selling myself to science was the cost, but at least I'll get to fly... Onward!

Sticks-and-Stones and Touch Frustrations

I'd like to thank Heshy Fried for the recent upsurge in attention to my blog. Since he commented on my blog post, Untouched, on his facebook and then blog, I've been enjoying by the thoughts, responses, emails and comments that have followed.

In his blog, he makes the following argument:

Shomer negiah is great if you can be a regular person about it, but when anything leads to such pain it seems like a bad idea.

Which is really interesting to me. Who can "be a regular person about it" when they're Shomer and single for five, ten or fifteen(+) years? I think that person is likely not the normal, average person.

Given the people I've known and spoken to who maintain Shmirat Negiah, it leads to frustration and difficulty in everyone. I've even posted (here and here) about the development and the circumstances that have magnified that struggle and frustration nowadays (and my perspective in dealing with it). In any case, that's the argument to let go of being Shomer Negiah, in a nutshell, and some of the feedback I've gotten has said that perhaps I'm a unique or extreme case and should specifically re-examine and re-evaluate my choice (and I really appreciate how much everyone cares and wants to help me out, it's great to see people so passionate about each others' well being!). It can be a powerful argument, because the frustration or pain can similarly feel powerful.

It reminds me of an old adage, and the way we've responded to it:

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. 

Of course my Mother, and every other mother I've ever spoken to, adamantly objects to the phrase, touting how the exact opposite is true; our physical wounds will heal, but our emotional ones will stay with us much longer. So we've become very sensitive and aware of emotional pains as a society by recognizing the powerful influence of emotions on our psychological (and physical) health in the long-term. Awareness about bullying is at an all-time high. Such emotional pain is to be avoided and prevented if at all possible. Which is great and everything, but disappointment, upset and emotional pain is inevitable in life. Trying to prevent all of it -which essentially is the point in using distraction as the primary way to deal with a child when they cry or get upset about not getting a lollypop or whatever -espouses certain values. Namely, that emotional pain is really bad, that we can't handle it and therefore any degree of emotional hurt should be avoided at all costs. 

 (It's the same argument that leads to using the [Ultra] Orthodox Shidduch system, having lots of research and going through an intermediary to avoid -as much as possible -the possibility of hurting someone or being hurt and the challenges of being Shomer Negiah, etc. Especially since the pain of breaking up -and temptation to touch -is so much harder to deal with after a two year relationship versus just a few dates.)

While I think it's incredibly important to help prevent bullying, I also value teaching our children and learning ourselves about handling the disappointments and challenges in life. Developing the coping skills and tools to manage the tough times, frustrations and setbacks we experience -even the chronic ones that won't just go away -is a an integral element of becoming an adult and learning to handle life well.

Thus far, my perspective is that the feelings don't have to be avoided but managed; interestingly enough that doesn't mean we have to do or say anything special, but acknowledge them, express and show our acceptance/care. Being able to feel and tolerate strong emotions isn't a bad thing; in fact, I think it's a highly adaptive skill to have in life. My experience with being Shomer has been that kind of learning experience; or rather, that's what I'm choosing to make of it. Still, I acknowledge that being Shomer is not only tough, but an issue that won't go away (even in marriage) and will be frustratingly painful, sometimes to the point of extremity. I just don't think that the pain would always justifiy tossing away my choice for observance.

I will say, though, if it's a choice between marrying someone immediately just for the touch, affection and sex versus keeping Shomer, I'd be more likely to stop being Shomer. Religious observance is not a good proxy for healthy relationships. But I do think there's a third option, and that's my current road; struggling, working through it and learning to manage. I think there's a plus buried in there, the meaning I make of it and the choice to develop myself through it.

That option, I think, takes strength to stick to. But I also think lots of people are strong enough, and we get stronger as we learn to understand, accept and cope with those feelings. 

Who knows, maybe I'm doing mental back-flips to make light of a crummy situation that I'm choosing to stick to. Or perhaps there's something real to gain and grow through the challenge. Maybe one day I'll get fed up enough to change my mind about being Shomer. Anything is possible... But until then, if it ever happens, I'll be working through it.

Dating Stats Update

I've been keeping track of my dating experiences, particularly since I started online dating (see here for the first update). Here are the bare numbers... 

Time Elapsed: 9 Months
     Number of Breaks: 3 (inlcuding Chagim time)
     Time Spent "On Break": ~2 Weeks per Break

Opportunities:
Total Opportunity: 75
     Number of Suggestions from Online Dating: 62
          (Number of those I was interested in: 23)
               (Number of which I declined because of long distance: 7)
     Number of Suggestions NOT from Online: 7
     Number of Women I Met/Pursued Myself: 6
Total Pursued: 29

Dates:
Total Number of Dates: 18
     Number of First Dates: 11
          (Number of those through online dating: 7)
     Number of Second Dates: 6
          (Number of those through online dating: 4)
     Number of Third Dates: 1
          (Number of those through online dating: 1)
     Number of Fourth (+) Dates: 0

Who "Made the Choice"?
Number of Times I declined another date: 0
Number of Times the Woman declined: 11 

Cost:
Total Cost: ~$500 (including travel, restaurants, etc.) 
Average Cost Per date:  ~$29.50

Demographics:
60% Women Dated are Sefardi (20% Ashkenazi, 20% Mixed)
About 80% of suggested women are Sefardi and/or Mixed (the other 20% being Ashkenazi)

~~

Qualitatively speaking, I'm appreciating the suggestions I get (the percentage of interest is slightly over a third, including the long distance suggestions); many of them fit very well with what I'm generally looking for. Perhaps that's a flexibility thing, who knows.

While I'd like to have a higher interest-to-date ratio, of the ones I'm interested in I have a decent rate of actually going out on a date. However, most of them thus far haven't really gotten anywhere; none of them have netted more than a third date.

Also, dating can quickly become expensive! While my number is more inflated as a result of a few costly early experiences (like this one), it's not difficult to spend around $30 (or more) for a date, especially since there are only a finite number of times you can conceivably grab a cup of coffee.

Just as a last note, while there's a big list of numbers, I really enjoyed and appreciated each person for who they are and the experiences I had with every single one. Unfortunately I didn't have a chance to get to know them better.

Singles' Shabbaton, Round Two!

After my first experience on a singles' Shabbaton, I wasn't too eager to jump into another one.

Eventually, I realized I'd just have to get over myself; there's a lot of opportunity out there and letting some experiences get in the way of dating would be a tragedy, only serving to holding me back. I refuse to allow such things to get in the way of finding a wife; there's no reason to spite myself because of some negative experience.

So, I finally decided to sign up and attend another one. Funny thing about signing up for a singles' Shabbaton, though. They make you sign up a couple weeks in advance. For me, it's like magic; every time I get busy or start to pursue a suggestion, something new pops up. So when I sign up, inevitably someone makes a suggestion and/or I go out on a date, because that's God's ironic sense of humor.

((Looks up)) I mean seriously?! Really?! Hilarious. May that be the worst of my conundrums.  

Somehow I'd manage to put myself in "no man's land." On the one hand, I like to focus on one person at a time when I'm dating (see here for why). On the other hand, I can't predict what happens in two weeks and I don't like the idea of being "closed off" to opportunity because I've signed up for a Shabbaton or vice-versa. Kind of an awkward place to be in for a couple weeks, at least for me.

Go figure. "I'll manage it somehow," I tell myself. Moving along...

Of course, as expected, the location was some suburb-like area with plenty of matchmakers to help encourage and facilitate talking (and/or cultivating a dating interest), not to mention the necessarily inordinate number of shiurim and speech-like divrei Torah. (I mean, how else can they legitimize the Shabbaton experience for the frum community? Clearly dating isn't a legitimate enough purpose.) I remember thinking that at least half of them would probably connect the Parsha with dating, relationship or marriage in some convoluted way. Still, it's inescapable, and some of them even turned out to be enjoyable. 

When I'd finally signed up, I made the mistake of not dragging a friend along with me, a bit of wisdom I've learned from women who may even drag a friend off to the restroom. So when I got there, I was prepared to be my own wing-man (a la "Hey! Have you met... me?")  or perhaps having to enlist the services of a matchmaker as a wing-man-by-proxy. I have to say, as much as I value and appreciate matchmakers' time, experience and intuition, I tend to lean on the side of having less involvement with a third party; plus, I'm not entirely confident of their wing-man skills. Just my own personal pause. 

But, as fortune would have it, I ran into a buddy of mine when we all convened for Minchah. Once davening was done, we got to talking and he told me that he didn't expect anything to come from the Shabbaton; if nothing else, he decided to come and just have fun.

I have to say, that's the best bit of advice I'd ever heard. What a perspective! There's no pressure, no expectation, no need to be nervous. Be myself, enjoy myself, let it flow. My immediate thought was "that's my wingman!"

(And for those of you already formulating comments about how dating should be taken seriously and how much you hate those jokers on the Shabbaton, I have to say for anyone who already takes it seriously and has a tendency to get nervous it's quite liberating. For people who just don't care to begin with... well, let them be. At least there's some life in the party with jokers around.)

And good times were had. I think, in the end, it's really what you make of the experience. If you like to be loud, be loud! If you like to sing, tralala away! It was so much easier to be myself when I wasn't worried about being evaluated (even if I was, which no doubt occurred).

We'd pick the women we found interesting -or anyone we had the slightest desire to talk to, or just anyone in the vicinity -and we'd strike up conversation; but not the boring "who are you, what do you do, where are you from?" Jewish-geography-meets-twenty-questions game.We'd ask for the wackiest dating story, or their most awkward experience on the Shabbaton thus far. We'd joke and tease and kid around. Give the women a hard time for giving boring answers, challenge them, tell them we know they could do better.

We were mixing it up, and our mission was to have a good time. The degree to which we were noticed for our (perhaps more than slightly) unconventional approach was an ancillary benefit that only spurred us into a greater frenzy. More positive, upbeat, exciting energy. At least in our little warped bubble of the Shabbaton.

So I've decided that is how it's done. If the air is so full of tension and so thick with expectation that people are suffocating, what's the point? Likewise if it's full of the waking dead who have little more to say than "brrrrraiiiiins." It's great to meet people, to have good times, to wing and help people connect. It's fun to joke around.

And sometimes, it's just nice not to care. There is far too much pressure, especially at some of these events.

When I'm Hurting

When I am in pain,
When my heart is hurting
When I clutch at my chest
And give way to silent, invisible tears.

I see your eyes.
But I do not want concern.
I do not like to see you worry,
Or wonder if I'll make it through.

I will.

What I want to see,
What I wish to feel,
And know...

Is that you understand.
That you see I am in pain,
That it means something to you.

I will be fine.

If you worry,
If you express concern,
It makes me wonder
How strong you think I really am.

If you believe it will
Cut so deeply,
That I will never recover,
That I will hurt forever....

I will heal.

What I don't want
Is your haughty pity
Or attempts to change my feelings.

Don't try to fix it
To fix me or my feelings.
Trust in my strength, show me respect.

And I will show you resilience.

It will change soon.
My heart will beat on,
My mind will clear,
My soul will endure.

I am strong.

All I need
When I show you
My pain

Is to see
Just how much
You care.

Simply be with me.

Self-Care

In grad school, I have the fortune of having to write many self-reflective essays, exploring my past, my present and many parts of my life.

Having the opportunity and requirement to take a good, hard look at where I am, how I got here, how I feel and perhaps even why I feel the way I do has been a real blessing, and I suggest anyone who has some time work at articulating aspects of their motivation, challenges of their childhood and the experiences of their present, paying particular attention to indicators of the way we react and perhaps when and how we learned to react that way. It can be very enlightening.

In any case, one such topic that I have explored is the concept of "self-care." My field is one of few that have an ethical requirement of self-care, and we are all trained and taught to be very careful in ensuring that we make time for ourselves, do the things we need and love and that we are nurtured and well taken care of.

I was reminded of how important my eating and sleeping habits are, what Shabbat really means to me and how much nurturing I get from being in contact with friends and family.

Think about it, all the small and big things that make us feel happy, that give us strength, help us relax and unwind, the things that we need in order to take care of ourselves. What we need to face the world.

I'm just really appreciative of all those things, and it's worth putting out there.

Untouched

Disclaimer: I want to make it abundantly clear that the following words are not a declaration of what I do, how I will act or my plans vis-a-vis Halachah. It's not about how I feel about Halachah, or Hashem, or my dedication. What follows is purely an expression of longing, of feeling, and of pain.

As a short intro, I'm going to give a bit about my story of deciding to maintain shmirat negiyah. It started when I was a teenager in high school. Becoming super-religious was my version of rebellion. That way, I could look at my parents with righteous indignation and express my frustrations while feeling justified in doing so. I have since outgrown my teenage rage, but there are vestiges of it that I think I still hold onto (or perhaps, that are still stuck to me). I stopped touching my aunts and cousins; all Halachic technicality aside, it's a really tough experience in a Sefardi family. I practically withdrew from everyone -especially females -when it comes to affection. I even stopped hugging my Mother and Sister for some time. It took me a while to get over it, and in some ways I still think I am.

Of all this, the most important thing to note (or rather, the part that I'm focusing on here) is my own withdrawal. Almost like starving myself, pulling away. Even though I've come out of that shell in many ways, part of me resents my early choice and experience of shmirat negiyah. I made it an excuse, (perhaps unintentionally or unconsciously) using it as a tool to push others away. Just to be completely clear, it's not the Halachah that I'm upset over, it's myself.

Because now, I crave touch. I need to be touched. I'm deprived of it, living far from my family, far from those who were so affectionate when I grew up before I pushed them away. It's still taking time to even let them in. Don't get me wrong, I was always a particularly touchy-feely guy and I believe I would still have that strong need, desire and feeling a lack in physical affection.

Most of time, I skate by. Mostly on numbness, because it's the only way not to tear myself apart from the inside. But I can't -and I don't want to -shut out how I'm feeling. Those are the times when I lament being away from family that I can hug just because I want or need one. When I feel frustrated that I'm a guy, and so it's not really acceptable to cuddle, or get a massage, or generally to have lots of affectionate touch, even hugging. More isolation.

Beyond that, I want to be touched by a woman, and one that I'm attracted to, care about and will love. All these things are cumulative. I can't parse them out, but they compound on each other exponentially. Suffice it to say, it's complicated.

For me, right now, it hurts. It's painful, and it's lonely. I can be with friends or on a date, but I'm isolated this way. By an invisible wall, a barrier, a force-field built by Halachah (and culture/society and some of my own ridiculousness) that separates me from the touch I need. And I know I need it like I need food, water and air.

At this very moment, I'm starving, dehydrating and suffocating. I'm experiencing years of withdrawal and deprivation. In my lucid moments of awareness, away from the numbness that has become a stoic refuge from a reality I can hardly face, I have indescribable agony and all I wish is to be tenderly touched, to be shown care and affection and to feel that physical presence, because fundamentally it's how I experience and connect with the world around me. That is how I'm built to feel, and so it represents a gateway to my emotions and my heart.

It's a moment like this that brings the realization of how much it means to tie my hands and hold back the touch I want and need to give too; these are all my expressions of care and affection, building-blocks for connections and a shared understanding of one another through the touch-experience.

Debonair

adj. - (1) Trying something different. (2) The art of being smooth.

Admittedly, not the actual definition. But that's what I've been feelin' recently.

One of the things I heard and adopted when I started shidduch dating is creating a habit out of a series of steps from the moment I speak with a Shadchan until I'm on a date (and even during the course of the date).

Some things, like always expressing gratitude and appreciation to the Shadchan, I really feel are important and a part of who I am. Others, like the trite and rote way I had initiated contact, were deserving of some... revisions.

When I started down this path, I wanted to learn what the expectations are and what's generally considered polite and nice. I'm not the type to blunder my way through, I'd rather gather up as much intelligence and information as I can and formulate a plan. I'm a plan man.

The plan I'd initially formulated went thusly:
Once I had a suggestion and we'd mutually agreed, I'd get her number and text her to introduce myself and arrange a time to speak on the phone. And then we'd have a short conversation before arranging a first date. And then we'd go on a first date.

Booooooooring. 

One of the most frustrating issues I feel I've faced is that all of the niceties and expectations set a particular tone for the course of interacting/dating. So, I'm thinking it's time to change the paradigm.

Naturally, this means shaking things up and some people may not be so interested or enamored by my alterations to the fabric of the dating universe, but it's my dating universe and I decided to work it my own way.

So now, I'll talk via text before setting up a time to converse on the phone. Test out the waters, put out a bit of overconfidence and humor, maybe even -gasp- flirt. See how responsive she is. Find some commonalities, make personal jokes out of them. Use the personal jokes incessantly (assuming they actually get a laugh). Have her wonder if I always do this, tell her only with those who inspire me to (which, for you cynics shaking your heads right now, is true... a woman who isn't receptive or responsive to any sort of playfulness won't encourage me to express that part of myself).

I'll call and have a long conversation, ask about motivations instead of mere facts about every "what, when and where" in her life. Weave in the personal jokes. Talk seriously about my own passions. Tease and make nicknames and laugh. Ask her what she really wants out of life. Sarcastically self-deprecate. Then I'll check in, see if she's still interested enough to go out. If she is...

Wallah!

There is a precedent -a framework -to have both lighthearted and exciting exchange as well as tachlit/tachlis talk. To be able to check back with how she's feeling and listen, but also to tease and play. To be serious and completely silly. Have an open heart and an accessible soul. To be a youngster and an adult. To be genteel and a bit of a jerk, but not really.    

Perhaps I push boundaries, maybe even unintentionally slightly offend (or more than slightly), but I can take that as an opportunity to take responsibility and make amends if I go too far. I can learn something by observing how she handles that. There's something about that process -about having those experiences -that changes the way we interact, and avoids the antiquated paradigm of dating as I'd originally adopted it.

Okay, maybe I am blundering my way through. But hey, I might as well enjoy the interactions as I am. Plus, I'm not sure anyone is really doing better than blundering through the dating part of being single. At least this way, I get to blunder with a spring in my step.

Finding Out You're Beautiful

...can be a shocking revelation. Especially when it comes from a stranger. And when they're of the opposite gender. Also, when they're not Jewish.

It's not about how I think of myself or what I see when I look in the mirror that's shocking, it's that others see me that way. Kind of like listening to my own voice recording with someone, and hearing them compliment my voice.

Being Single Was Easy... Until I Began Dating...

From Young Bachelorhood to the Wandering Man

Being a bachelor can be a blast. But I was never one to party, drink, dance in public (at least, not with women) or do any of that type of stuff. I've been to a bars very few times and each experience strongly reinforced why I don't go to such places. Clearly, they're just not for me.

Still, being single didn't bother me. Between school, my hobbies, my passions, my life mission, working, going to the gym, dieting, community building, making time to learn and everything else I pursued (you heard me, that's not even the end of the list!) in focusing on taking care of myself, I found that I was happy, energetic and really loving life.

While some of those things have been dialed back and replaced with other responsibilities -a la graduate school, fieldwork, research -I've noticed that dating has also taken a much higher priority too.

And now that I'm searching and struggling with handling everything on my plate, I'm finding myself very often tired, exhausted, busy and not focusing as much on taking care of myself as I used to. Perhaps that's not all a result of dating, though the constant cycle of investing, planning dates, going out, beginning and ending the dating process with one woman after another leaves me feeling drained.

Feeling drained that way -especially when my dating career with a particular woman ends abruptly -often has me thinking about reshuffling my priorities a bit. Perhaps placing priorities, such as pursuing my own hobbies and working out, higher up and allowing my dating life to mellow out.

As I'm growing and moving forward through life I'm finding I have more to juggle, but my time and ability to handle so many things -to make time for each one in the right amounts to truly care for myself -is not particularly increasing. It's a tough spot to be in, and part of me wonders how much I can handle, while the other part is telling me I have to buckle down, develop more discipline and simply increase the skills for self-management.

I anticipate life will get far more complicated, particularly when things like a relationship, marriage and children enter the picture so that more of my focus is naturally drawn to those connections and other people outside my own self.

Back to the dating thing, though. With the ups and downs, the cycling of one woman after another in and out of my life, I have to say the experience has given me an interesting perspective on balance. It's like trying to walk straight with one leg wildly-kicking and one stone-solid. The cycle also has a very interesting impact on my heart. It's tough, trying to get to know the other person, build some connections and screen them when I've begun to almost anticipate the potential hurt of being dumped.

The effect is one that lacks a sense of permanence with my romantic life/relationships, reminding me of the story about a man who kept trying to build a home on top of a river; the foundations just keep washing away. Perhaps I'm concerned about the erosion of these experiences on the sense of home, family and relationships that I'm looking to build.

The toughest part about it is moving to a new location, moving on to a different person, only to find another river washing away the potential beginnings of a foundation (which, clearly, are not meant to be built there) gives me the impression of a wandering man, without a place to settle.

But that's exactly what it is. I am the Wandering Man.

I Want Her... I Want Her Not...

I’ve heard men are simple and our relationship choices/perspectives are simple, and generally I’ve found that to be the case. But having a certain straightforwardness when it comes to attraction can lead to its own complications.

There’s this woman, see (it’s always a woman, isn’t it?). Okay, maybe there’s been more than one. But here’s the short –and the long –of it. I meet her; she’s nice, sweet and a wonderful person. But I feel no attraction, so I don’t think much of it. Saying that I move on would imply there was something I’d been stuck on, but in that sense it was really straightforward for me.

No attraction = non-starter.

Nothing starts. But I live in a community, and –as these stories go –I see her around. We interact. We happen to spend time together. Nothing particularly planned or thought out, per se. It just “happens.” (That coming from a guy who has no trouble making a move). No, this is coincidental.

But then I start to see things. Things about her character that grab my attention. Thoughts that nibble at my mind when I’m not paying attention. Tidbits of comparison when I think about the woman I’ve started (or recently ended) dating.

Nibble-nibble, munch-munch; gobble-gobble, crunch-crunch.

Suddenly I find myself wondering if we’d be compatible. The thoughts swallow up whatever else happened to be on my mind. I see in her the things I value in a woman, things I want in a wife. It’s striking a chord, resonating within me.

I see her, and I’m stricken with her character; I admire her. But I don’t feel attraction, I’m not smitten with attraction. I torture myself a bit about it. I wonder if there’s something I just need to “get over.” Why can’t I appreciate her that way? Is there something wrong with me? She’s pretty, to be sure… which only implies that there’s something inside me that’s getting in the way.

I let the torture go on, because there’s so much I see in her that I want in a wife. Then I let it go because, well, I’m not feelin’ it… For now.  

*Sigh*

This is so much more complicated than I tend to allow for myself. Part of me asks if I'll find such wonderful things in such a combination with another woman. Part of me wonders if she'd even be receptive to the possibility of dating. Part of me keeps saying I should just drop it... after all, it's a non-starter, right?

Unprepared

With mere hours left until Rosh Hashanah, I find myself shockingly unprepared. I remember back to when I was in Yeshiva, how I spent the month preparing myself, how the moments moved towards the holiday, the culmination of thirty days of slichot and pouring my heart out to Hashem over and over and over again.

I remember how doing so was a cleansing, that pouring and pouring with my words, my thoughts, my feelings brought on a cleansing of its own. I am reminded of a Mashal that my Rav used when he noted the way some people say words of Torah or Teffillah without thinking or investing in them. They were compared to a bucket, and for someone who did not meditate, focus and hold onto them, it was like a bucket with a hole. But even though the words -which can be likened to the flowing of water as in the Gemara (Messechet Ta'anit) -may flow right through, he said, at least you are left with a clean bucket.

And so, by bringing the words into my mouth and pouring out my soul, I felt cleansed. Purified and ready to face my Creator on the day I choose -again -to accept him as my Ultimate Master, my King, my Father.

But this year, I found to my chagrin, I have had no such luxury between the utter craziness and business of my daily life. While I worked hard to incorporate what I could, it cannot compare and I found myself falling far short of where I know I can be, where I feel I should be. I'm not ready. 

But it's coming anyways.

I am the kind of person (in case you didn't notice) that has a mild obsession with preparedness, and so not feeling prepared evokes anxiety, fear and a sense of incompetence for me. If nothing else, it is an awakening and a personal lesson. But as long as I have time left, I will endeavor to make whatever preparations I can.