If I Didn't Have You

By Tim Minchin

Some choice lyrics:   "And if I may conjecture a further objection love has nothing to do with destined perfection

The connection is strengthened; the affection simply grows over time, Like a flower
Or a mushroom
Or a guinea pig
Or a vine
Or a sponge
Or bigotry... or a banana (banana)
And love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama of shared experience and the synergyOf a kind of symbiotic empathy or something like that..."

Dear Shadchan/Shadchanit,

Thank you.

I don't know how often you get this from singles, especially those of us who may be frustrated. But I feel it is necessary to acknowledge more than a few incredible things about the work you do. I can think of no higher compliment than to say that I'd pick you as my holy defender in the Heavenly Court when I'm eventually due up there, and the following are more reasons why.

First, you are relentless. You pursue opportunities and chances for suggestions and matches -for me -with a vociferous passion that borders on obsession. What zeal!

Second, you have a life, and yet you manage to make me feel -time and time again -that I'm so important and matter so much to you, that you will not let me go and will never stop searching for me. It's like having another mother, the kind of care you put into finding someone for me. Sometimes I feel like your child, the way you go to great lengths just so I have dating opportunities. Whether it's all about me or the Jewish people, I truly admire it. What love!

Third, you are tireless. I get emails and all kinds of other contact from you at all hours of the day and night, almost as though you lose sleep over the thought of my not having a spouse yet. I can tell that you spend hours and hours and hours. Even if it's not all for me, I know all of us who merit your blessed efforts really owe you a great deal. You choose to spend your time on me/us instead of on yourself. What altruism!

Fourth, you are always here for me. I can talk to you when I'm frustrated, when I'm having trouble, when I need some human contact in the dating process. I know it's a process, and every person you send my way is part of that process, whether or not they are destined to be the part that ends up under the Chuppah with me. I also know you'll make time for me when I really need it. What loyalty!

Fifth, you are attentive. Even though I nitpick at the little things that aren't to my liking, that one itty-bitty detail that isn't just what I want, there's a whole lot you really get. You work hard to understand me, and to find a woman who will too. I may not always focus on all the things that are spot-on, but I am right now. What dedication!

Sixth, you are always excited when you call. Every time I see your number, I know I'm going to be greeted with a smile that I can hear on the other end of the phone and a brilliant idea that will brighten my day too. Sometimes, I wonder if you have any other facial expressions. What enthusiasm!

I could go on, I'm sure, but let me just say that I really, really appreciate you, and everything you do for me.

And so, from the bottom of my heart,
I say thank you.

Pesach: Freedom in the Merit of Women

"For most of history, Anonymous was a Woman." - Virginia Wolfe

There are three major holidays that women are obligated in time-bound commandments within Jewish Law - By Chanukah, Purim and Pesach (Passover). Each time, the reasoning given is that they were part of the miracle ("Af hei'n Hayu B'oto Ha'nes").

Regarding Pesach, the Gemara (Pesachim, 108a-b) mentions that reasoning regarding the four cups of wine and Rash"i comments on the spot that in the merit of those women in Egypt the entire Jewish nation was redeemed. Their deeds and merits had a direct causal impact on the exodus and binding of the Jews together, as the American national anthem so aptly puts it, "one nation, under God."

Personally, I love that our history does not just use the label of "Anonymous" in the place of women (though it does sometimes bug me when the impact of various female role models and leaders is under-stressed or glossed over). And yet, most of the Egyptian decrees primarily affected men (eg. death of firstborn men, and by many accounts the field-labor of slavery).

I would like to take a moment here and recognize a debt of gratitude due for all the hard work that women -past and present -put in to make Pesach the experience it has always been. From their actions that merited our freedom to the tremendous work preparing the home and all of the different food items and aspects of the seders. If it were not for their unrelenting hard work, we'd have never had the original exodus and Pesach, nor would we have any Pesach Sedarim the way we do year after year.

For myself in particular, I must extend my tremendous appreciation and thanks to my own Mother, who manages to make the most delicious food of the year, every year, in addition to putting together amazing seders. I would be remiss if I left out her charoset -it was worth coming out of Egypt just for that alone -and I wish I could have it all year 'round. Sure, I often help with setting up, with Divrei Torah and invigorating the seder experience for myself, my immediate and extended family as well as our esteemed guests. But that's my little part, and what my Mother and other women throughout the Jewish communities in the world do to make Pesach possible gives others (like me) the freedom to enrich and enjoy an amazing evening and holiday.

Swinging back around, I also appreciate that despite how men may have experienced more oppression in Egypt, the women did absolutely everything they could -in their relationships and their observance -to help their men. What dedication! Their work leads to our freedom -physical and spiritual at the very least -and not just at the time of slavery, but in every generation.

To me, these reasons very well explain why women are obligated to partake in the commandments -in a very important way, it's their party! The fruit of their labors, even though we men reaped much of the benefit.

Also, I think there's a beautiful idea buried here -that we should fight (not with each other, but rather) as one to achieve rights and freedom regardless of gender or our differences. It is a message of unity, and I think the process of women working so hard (in whatever ways they could) to achieve freedom for (both themselves and) the men who were so harshly oppressed was precisely the process that bound us as one nation.

Have a wonderful Pesach, 
Chag Kasher V'sameach!

(Side-note: Perhaps it was that same process that bound the American nation together in fighting for freedom. And would very well explain the idea of "one nation, under God.")

On Money and Happiness

It was a bitter cold winter day. I was walking around the city with a coat, but I was miserable. My eyes were tearing up, only in part from the icy wind that whipped around my head and numbed my ears into a frosty pain.

My hands were crammed into my pockets and clenched to try and keep the blood flowing, but I had to pull one out to check that my ears were still attached to my head, and not frozen solid. By the time my fingers made contact with my ear, they too had lost much of their feeling. But I still had ears, so I was relieved. Miserable, but relieved.

Just then, a brilliant idea struck me. I dodged into the nearest souvenir store just as an arctic draft began to pick up, and that little bell sound hailed a warmth I could only have dreamed of. I checked my ears again, and sighed in appreciation for feeling warmth touch them.

I browsed for a few minutes as feeling returned to my extremities and then I grabbed a set of earmuffs. They were ugly and ridiculously expensive for the cheap quality. But my ears were crying out for respite, so I paid the clerk and told him not to give me a bag as I pulled them over my whimpering ears.

Walking out, I instantly felt warmer, lighter, happier. The world was much brighter and I was much less bitter. The wind still whipped at my face, but I was much more content, and the newly forming wells by my lower lids were no longer from misery.

That very moment had me asking what would be for someone who did not have the means to do what I had just done. I clearly paid twice what I should have, but it didn't matter. That money served a tremendously useful purpose for me: it brought me happiness. Thinking about it, I then realized that it was not happiness, but rather a reduction in my woes -of that very moment -that served to brighten my countenance and my attitude.

And with that epiphany I realized that though money cannot grant happiness, it may surely stave off misery when it can be used to help alleviate my troubles or fulfill a need. Being human means I have quite a bit of that need -food, drink, warmth, breath, shelter, and more. What gratitude to have, realizing how fortunate I am for my ability to take care of so many of my needs!

You Make My World Go Round

This morning I was in a rush, doing paperwork and heading to an appointment on the subway at the same time, all while trying to keep track of my upcoming stop.

The subway stopped. I looked up, craning my neck to find a sign through the windows and inconveniently placed support beams that often block my view. Not my stop yet. I return to my paperwork, trying to remember all the places I've lived since birth. Why do they need to know the one month my family spent at an apartment while we remodeled some parts of our house? What's the address? I was six years old, how should I know?!

I notice a woman sitting down across from me, shoulder-length straightened red hair, a tiny stud on the left side of her nose, her left forearm tattooed in many colors crossed over her right. My mind wandered a moment about what she would have drawn on her arm, and what it means to her. She has white headphones in her ears.  I wonder about her taste in music, as I sit there with my own earphones in listening to my personal favorite song of the month.

Back to my form. Forget it, our address was still the home address. It was a vacation, not a residence change. I'll leave that one out. The subway went onward. Another stop. I looked up, instinctively at the red-haired woman sitting across from me. We make eye contact. My heart warms, I smile genuinely at her. She smiles back. "Must get my paperwork done," I tell myself. I have force my attention back to the forms balancing precariously on my legs while I attempt to write and sign each one appropriately without making too big a mess.

The subway stops again, I stretch my neck out, looking for the sign. It's my stop. I check back across from me. The red-haired wonder is gone. I miss her, for a moment. On with life.

Women are beautiful, in so many ways. There is just something about seeing a woman, no matter where I am. It happens when I'm walking around town, out shopping, on the subway, sitting on a bench. It happens in school, at work or at home. Sometimes, I'm just so focused -my face buried in a book, or my mind occupied with thoughts -that I'm too absorbed to notice my surroundings. but if I'm at all aware of my surroundings, my attention is magnetically drawn to her.

It doesn't matter what she looks like, all women are beautiful. Or at least, I seem to sense something exquisitely unique in every one I see. I may not find each of them attractive, yet I am powerless but to see something that I want to explore, to know, to see, and to listen.

Is it mere curiosity, I wonder. But then, it's not the same with all men. Sure, when I recognize an acquaintance or a friend. And for some of my more cherished friends, absolutely. But for men as a whole? I have curiosity, but no magnetism.

Back to the topic at hand -every time I see a woman, there is a little extra joy in my heart. It's a very minute connection with a woman, since I've never seen her before and we don't form a close bond by passing each other on the subway, and the connection lasts only as long as her presence. When she's gone, so is that connection. When I'm attracted to a woman, that connection is magnified. And more so in a relationship.

The stronger my connection to her, the more excitement, pleasure and happiness I feel from that connection. Clearly, physical proximity is a huge part of that, especially if I feel something from just seeing a woman sitting across from me on the subway. But the same may be true of talking on the phone, via text or thinking about a woman I have a connection with.

If the world had no women -if my world had no women -I miss out on so much of that joy. Women, you make my world go round.

.