Find Inspiration, Make a Plan, and Watch it Fail

Sometimes, I revel in ironic shock at the sheer number of things that must converge for a moment to occur -the type of moment that jolts my attention, sends an electric bolt through my mind, stirs my heart, and instantly forms the resolve in my soul: I will find a way meet and get to know her.

The rest is a confluence of meticulous planning, some smoothness, and a serious dose of what could either be called arbitrary luck or the hand of God.

Sometimes, you look across a dimly lit room, lock eyes with a gorgeous woman, and feel butterflies in your stomach. That day, the room was bright, she had just ended a ridiculously long work day, and didn't look back at me. I later found out that she felt sweaty, disgusting, and exhausted. I was nowhere near her radar, though I was aware of her from the moment she stepped into the goodbye party for our mutual friend.

That was the moment I started calculating. I know I've talked about preferences before (here and here), yet it still caught me off guard when I encountered someone who immediately seemed to fit so much of my "type." Every cog in my brain was turning with the express goal of inserting myself into a conversation, finding an appropriate moment and method of introduction, making a point of connection. While the inside of my head churned furiously, I waited patiently. I joined other conversations with friends while very intently paying attention to my peripheral vision. I cannot remember the last time I multitasked so strenuously that my mouth was on autopilot while my brain was in a completely different zone.

She was having a conversation by a table with drinks, so I carefully chose an angled approach to the drink table, ostensibly getting water. Who cares that I was actually thirsty, I was on a mission. I listened hard as I poured water, spilling a little because of my careless attention to the useless task of actually getting liquid in my cup. The moment I turned to add a comment to the conversation, both her body and the conversation took a turn away from me.

Mission failed, for now.

Don't ask how many cups of water I got over the next hour. Sometimes, a move just doesn't work, but for lack of another tactic -and honestly because getting a cup of water and taking a drink is no small comfort in a social setting that I'm feeling lost in -I just kept going back for more water.

One thing I absolutely love about being a man is that when people leave a party, I have and ace in my back pocket; the perfect gentlemanly way of getting into a short conversation with a person of interest is while manscorting her.

It was a short conversation, perhaps about sixteen minutes and forty seven seconds. We walked to the main road where she wanted to get a cab, then spent several minutes failing to find one, to my inner delight. So we contended ourselves with the evolving conversation keeping us company. She had an endearing sarcastic wit to her that could only be described as sassy, and I told her as much. She told me I didn't have to wait, and when I simply stood there with a confident yet semi-puzzled look and said, "I know" to convey that I was merely enjoying the fleeting moment, she insisted by saying "you've been nothing but a gentleman." Of course, as is wont in such picturesque scenarios, that very moment was when no less than four cabs appeared -one from each direction of the intersection -and she was whisked off into the night, leaving me with an extra spring in my step as I walked home.

That was at the end of the evening, and thus the end of this part of the story.

The Chain of Dating

At the beginning of summer, one of my married friends set me up. Not the everyday setup, this one had been in the works for eight months. Yup, that long. It was hard to say no, despite my previous assertions, though mostly because I had practically said yes already several months beforehand. The short version of the story is that the lovely woman and I were alternately too busy or seeing someone else. The sheer persistence of my friend allowed the pairing to come together as the spring semester ended, both for me as a student and her as a teacher. I haven't experienced it often, but on rare occasion someone gets an idea into their head and simply will not let go of it. I have to say, half the time it's flattering and the other half annoying. This time it was more flattering, or maybe that was when it finally worked out after hearing about it every five weeks. 

It was a pleasant first date at a coffee shop, which has quickly become the bread-and-butter of my first date experiences (cue sidebar). Aside from the ease in planning, and the flexibility for length of date depending on how it's going, it requires less thought and investment but can be creative. In short, it's the quickest, simplest, on-the-fly date I can plan with a creative twist if I want to bring board-games or other tabletop activities with locations everywhere. I've been known to shoehorn the coffee first date into an impromptu park walk or parlay into another date-like activity when it was going very well, and finish my drink faster to end it within an hour when it's not. 

Rant aside, I enjoyed the date. I found her bright, opinionated, accepting, passionate about her career, and we connected in our mutual interest and joy in working with children. It was, however, short lived. One and done, as she didn't see our personalities meshing. I was impressed and found myself thinking that she's fantastic, despite my limited experience with her. I had hoped to get to know her better. Oh well. 

Then the chain began. She set me up with a friend of hers, and I do sincerely believe that someone I've been on a date with knows me better than a Shadchan would, at least in the realm of experiencing me. Since I'm not much for categories I thought I'd give it a whirl. Another coffee date. Another one and done. She set me up with a friend of hers too. It all began to feel a bit like I was getting passed around a group of friends -all of whom let me down easy (read: guiltily -though it made me curious as to why is it that these wonderful women felt so bad about not being interested?), said I'm a great guy, and set me up with a friend in turn. At least the last one had a bit more substance -intellectual conversations over art, talk about emotions and matters of the heart, getting deeper into our personal stories -the kind that are milestones and shape who we are. 

As an aside, I joked with my sister that I was being handed off. Then she told me that she recently did the same thing with a number of men she'd dated over the summer as well! Of course I heard stories and connections that were made about the personalities, interests, and wants of these men and what inspired the idea. It was eye opening to see that from the other side. 

Ultimately, the dating chain ended. As it turns out, I still prefer the flexible, potentially spontaneous, straightforward coffee first date. I also had a light bulb moment after my summer dating stint. Dating is a huge pain, right up until the moment you find someone you like (and who likes you back). Then it is the simple thrilling joy of discovering that person (and, incidentally yourself).

But that's another story for another time. Soon. 

Acting Out

This post represents the accumulation of a series of events that I've been reflecting on for some time. After dating intensely during my first year of grad school, taking a break for several months during my second year and finding a more balanced, if frustrating, experience through this year, I have realized three things:

1) I really dislike dating, especially formal/shidduch dating. I'll lump online dating here as well. I dislike the system(s), the imposed structures, the unnatural feeling and pressure I experience. I also dislike constantly feeling judged for little things and big things alike. Could be that's all in my head; perhaps I'm just an anxious person. However, throughout the past three years in particular I have felt and increasing frustration with my dating experience. On this point I'd like to add one thing: I am relationship-focused, and thoroughly enjoy being in a relationship. Most of my quibbles have to do with the initial process of contact and the "date procedure," with all of the hoops and qualifying questions people ask/check to make sure I "fit well enough" into what they want. I mean seriously, fitting into a box or a list is not something I like to do on a first date, I find it both uncomfortable and a tad insulting. I happen to believe we should take our dating partner holistically as a person, search for connection (and add values in here if you'd like, though I believe it takes longer to really understand a person's values), find a bit of romance. I don't want a box or list, I want a person. 

2) I really don't have time for it. This one requires some explanation, because if it were strictly a matter of time management, then there would be no problem. One of the things I have discovered is that with 70+ hour weeks, even when I carve out a block of time to (a) make plans, (b) get ready, (c) travel, (d) spend time and be present with the person, and (e) head back home, I find myself exhausted and stressed before the date (I'm getting exhausted even writing out the list!). Having to go on a weeknight date straight after my night classes (which end at 7pm on my early evenings) with my schoolbag in tow doesn't help either. There is always so much to be doing, so many responsibilities, and so many concerns looming that even when I'm on a date I feel them nagging at the edge of my consciousness. I'll admit that carving out time for some yoga, herbal tea, and relaxation beforehand to allow myself a chance to slow down might help, but it's not always practical and often I'm already sacrificing personal/school/work/research time just to be on the date. I will admit that viewing this time as a sacrifice rather than an investment -or as a chance to unwind, make jokes, and enjoy myself -probably also doesn't help.

3) I have been acting out rather than being honest with myself (and those women). Now I don't mean crying, throwing tantrums, or being rude. As I have reflected on the above points, I have come to realize that the way I present myself is a far more "under pressure" and non-ideal version of myself. I'm not ashamed of it, but I also don't think it's the most attractive side of me to be putting out on display. I can chalk it up to my long hours and the responsibilities of graduate school. I can also blame it on the system and my experience of the looming question "will I marry this person?" that silently invades dates and underlies many a question and conversation topic. But I'd rather be honest and acknowledge that I have not been on top of my game when it comes to dating.

Part of me has hoped that the person I'm on a date with can see through, or will give me more than one, two, or three chances to really get to know me -which is perhaps why I do this myself -but that may not be a realistic expectation. Perhaps I hope to find someone who is more like me and is patient and tolerant enough to invest in a relationship rather than making a quick choice within several hours of contact. In fact, those expectations and hopes likely fuel my frustration and growing resentment. 

But wait, then what should I do? How should I address this?

Well, I'm certainly not going to start blurting out my recent reflections prior to -or on -a first date. I have thus far found one work-around: meeting the person and developing a connection more organically rather than (a) point-blank asking women out within a short time of meeting them or (b) being set up via shadchan/friend. I acknowledge this particular method likely puts me in a significantly different dating pool, and I've been wondering if perhaps I'm simply more comfortable swimming in that pool. Other options include (1) taking a break until life lets up a bit (2) gritting my teeth and continuing to trudge along, (3) taking school/work/research less seriously to free up some of that stress, (4) changing my expectations/hopes, (5) loosening up and allowing the more relaxed, playful, fun part of me to show in other areas of my life -including formal/shidduch/online dating. That last one has the merit of all around increasing my happiness, though it may be a tad over-reaching just yet.

The first step is being aware. The second is making myself accountable, which I'm doing here. Where I go from here... I'll have to update y'all as I make progress. 

The Magic Number 2

I've noticed an interesting pattern in my own dating behavior, and I thought I'd share and get some perspective from the peanut gallery too...

I've written before about the importance of responsiveness (or receptivity) when it comes to interacting with a woman, and in the dating world generally. In the absence of an adequate level of responsiveness, I'll usually give it two tries, but then my motivation to continue plummets. This can be with respect to phone calls, texts, or other forms of contact as well as attempts to schedule another date. I'm tempted to generalize to all forms of initiation in the dating world (and possibly within my relationships as well). But let me not get ahead of myself yet.  

For example, there was a young woman I went on a first date with. It was a nice date and I felt that we began getting to know each other, so I called her up and asked her out again. She responded, "one of my friends is in town, so I'm busy that day." 

"Okay," I thought to myself "that happens. I like to spend time with my out-of-town friends too." So I suggested another potential time and venue. "That's not a good time for me either, I have a work function that night," she replied. At that point, I was simultaneously frustrated ("Well then, just tell me what works for you!") and in doubt ("Okay, I get the message. We're done here.").

It was seriously disheartening. So I said "Alright, let me know if your evenings open up" and I was done. Needless to say, I didn't contact her again.

Was that a mistake? God only knows. But I can say that my motivation plummeted as she told me she was unavailable, yet made no attempt to suggest a viable time. Twice.

In another situation, a mutual friend had followed through with a suggestion, giving me the "a-okay" to contact the lovely lady whose qualities had been so eloquently lauded. I texted her to see when she would like to talk (with the intent of setting a date, of course). A couple -there's that number two again -of quiet days later, I called her up. After ringing all the way to voice mail, I left a message. A day or two later and I'd mentally washed my hands of her. Did she ever contact me back? Yeah. Two weeks later (and no, she wasn't in a different country)... By which point I was long gone.

I've also been on dates that I felt it were dragging on. I don't need a woman to hang on my every word, but it's important to have more than a one-way conversation that feels like a therapy or interrogation session. I can ask a hundred questions, but after just two carefully crafted open-ended inquiries that are reciprocated with monosyllabic answers, I'm practically resigning. While I'm fairly confident I might be able to continue the line of inquiry -and even though I often will, for the sake of getting through the date -I'm usually giving up on the inside. 

On occasion I'll be more persistent. If there's something really pulling me, a strong point of connection, an emotional hook-point... I'll be motivated for longer. When I've had strong feelings, I've been known to pursue with more zeal. However, that is fairly uncommon in the  earliest stages of dating.

Could I be too sensitive? Sure, that's a definite possibility.
Am I missing out on opportunities? I'll submit to that potentiality.
Should I change my modus operandum? Ay, that's the question... I'm not so sure.

I can imagine I'm not the only guy who reacts that way. Part of me wants women to understand that just replying without giving more -be it a question or a suggested date option -will probably be taken as a sign disinterest (at least by me). Another part of me wonders if I'm just letting go too soon. Then again, in the wonderfully diverse world of dating my style is -like ice cream -just one flavor of many. I'll have to keep tabs and see if it's actually working for me or not.

Feel free to add your two cents.

My Love-Hate Relationship with Dating

I recently go back on the horse and started dating again. It was not easy for me. In fact, I practically had to drag my resistant heart and mind through the process just to get myself out on a date. I found myself very much lacking in motivation, and found my body leading my heart. It was an odd, dream-like, zombie-esque experience.

I recently heard a great analogy (for guys, at least): dating is like shaving. See, when you start it's super exciting, because of what it means (as sign of manhood/adulthood) and because of the newness. After a couple months or so (no, I don't mean dating the same person for two months, I mean dating bunches of people), it starts to become a chore. Pretty soon after it's a downright pain.

At least the date was fun. Taking time away helped in that being on the date felt refreshing rather than jaded. Kind of like how guys often have fun shaving after the three weeks or the Omer, making all kinds of designs, patterns and crazy beards before going baby-faced again.


During my long "break," in random moments when I had some time to breathe, I reflected on my dating experiences, what I enjoy and appreciate and what I really don't like.

I found that I enjoy having time and space for myself, that I like to be more laid back and relaxed about dating, and that formality, pressure and stress just get in the way of being myself and actually experiencing the other person. I found that when I feel the dating is pressured or formal I become a lot more self-conscious and focus on myself instead of getting to know the woman. I become preoccupied with protocol and all of these things rather than just spending time swapping stories, building rapport and flirting.

As much as I've learned about myself through dating, the things I like and don't like about it, I wonder about my on-again-off-again relationship with it. I spent some time dating intensely when I started, and then found I had to back off quite a bit. Perhaps finding a balance, something more laid back with less pressure to keep going out with women back-to-back may be more ideal for me.

Either way, though I love to get out there and meet people, I'm finding my heart isn't always into it. I have to balance listening to my heart with persevering through the chore and pain of shaving. Oops, dating.

Sticks-and-Stones and Touch Frustrations

I'd like to thank Heshy Fried for the recent upsurge in attention to my blog. Since he commented on my blog post, Untouched, on his facebook and then blog, I've been enjoying by the thoughts, responses, emails and comments that have followed.

In his blog, he makes the following argument:

Shomer negiah is great if you can be a regular person about it, but when anything leads to such pain it seems like a bad idea.

Which is really interesting to me. Who can "be a regular person about it" when they're Shomer and single for five, ten or fifteen(+) years? I think that person is likely not the normal, average person.

Given the people I've known and spoken to who maintain Shmirat Negiah, it leads to frustration and difficulty in everyone. I've even posted (here and here) about the development and the circumstances that have magnified that struggle and frustration nowadays (and my perspective in dealing with it). In any case, that's the argument to let go of being Shomer Negiah, in a nutshell, and some of the feedback I've gotten has said that perhaps I'm a unique or extreme case and should specifically re-examine and re-evaluate my choice (and I really appreciate how much everyone cares and wants to help me out, it's great to see people so passionate about each others' well being!). It can be a powerful argument, because the frustration or pain can similarly feel powerful.

It reminds me of an old adage, and the way we've responded to it:

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. 

Of course my Mother, and every other mother I've ever spoken to, adamantly objects to the phrase, touting how the exact opposite is true; our physical wounds will heal, but our emotional ones will stay with us much longer. So we've become very sensitive and aware of emotional pains as a society by recognizing the powerful influence of emotions on our psychological (and physical) health in the long-term. Awareness about bullying is at an all-time high. Such emotional pain is to be avoided and prevented if at all possible. Which is great and everything, but disappointment, upset and emotional pain is inevitable in life. Trying to prevent all of it -which essentially is the point in using distraction as the primary way to deal with a child when they cry or get upset about not getting a lollypop or whatever -espouses certain values. Namely, that emotional pain is really bad, that we can't handle it and therefore any degree of emotional hurt should be avoided at all costs. 

 (It's the same argument that leads to using the [Ultra] Orthodox Shidduch system, having lots of research and going through an intermediary to avoid -as much as possible -the possibility of hurting someone or being hurt and the challenges of being Shomer Negiah, etc. Especially since the pain of breaking up -and temptation to touch -is so much harder to deal with after a two year relationship versus just a few dates.)

While I think it's incredibly important to help prevent bullying, I also value teaching our children and learning ourselves about handling the disappointments and challenges in life. Developing the coping skills and tools to manage the tough times, frustrations and setbacks we experience -even the chronic ones that won't just go away -is a an integral element of becoming an adult and learning to handle life well.

Thus far, my perspective is that the feelings don't have to be avoided but managed; interestingly enough that doesn't mean we have to do or say anything special, but acknowledge them, express and show our acceptance/care. Being able to feel and tolerate strong emotions isn't a bad thing; in fact, I think it's a highly adaptive skill to have in life. My experience with being Shomer has been that kind of learning experience; or rather, that's what I'm choosing to make of it. Still, I acknowledge that being Shomer is not only tough, but an issue that won't go away (even in marriage) and will be frustratingly painful, sometimes to the point of extremity. I just don't think that the pain would always justifiy tossing away my choice for observance.

I will say, though, if it's a choice between marrying someone immediately just for the touch, affection and sex versus keeping Shomer, I'd be more likely to stop being Shomer. Religious observance is not a good proxy for healthy relationships. But I do think there's a third option, and that's my current road; struggling, working through it and learning to manage. I think there's a plus buried in there, the meaning I make of it and the choice to develop myself through it.

That option, I think, takes strength to stick to. But I also think lots of people are strong enough, and we get stronger as we learn to understand, accept and cope with those feelings. 

Who knows, maybe I'm doing mental back-flips to make light of a crummy situation that I'm choosing to stick to. Or perhaps there's something real to gain and grow through the challenge. Maybe one day I'll get fed up enough to change my mind about being Shomer. Anything is possible... But until then, if it ever happens, I'll be working through it.

Singles' Shabbaton, Round Two!

After my first experience on a singles' Shabbaton, I wasn't too eager to jump into another one.

Eventually, I realized I'd just have to get over myself; there's a lot of opportunity out there and letting some experiences get in the way of dating would be a tragedy, only serving to holding me back. I refuse to allow such things to get in the way of finding a wife; there's no reason to spite myself because of some negative experience.

So, I finally decided to sign up and attend another one. Funny thing about signing up for a singles' Shabbaton, though. They make you sign up a couple weeks in advance. For me, it's like magic; every time I get busy or start to pursue a suggestion, something new pops up. So when I sign up, inevitably someone makes a suggestion and/or I go out on a date, because that's God's ironic sense of humor.

((Looks up)) I mean seriously?! Really?! Hilarious. May that be the worst of my conundrums.  

Somehow I'd manage to put myself in "no man's land." On the one hand, I like to focus on one person at a time when I'm dating (see here for why). On the other hand, I can't predict what happens in two weeks and I don't like the idea of being "closed off" to opportunity because I've signed up for a Shabbaton or vice-versa. Kind of an awkward place to be in for a couple weeks, at least for me.

Go figure. "I'll manage it somehow," I tell myself. Moving along...

Of course, as expected, the location was some suburb-like area with plenty of matchmakers to help encourage and facilitate talking (and/or cultivating a dating interest), not to mention the necessarily inordinate number of shiurim and speech-like divrei Torah. (I mean, how else can they legitimize the Shabbaton experience for the frum community? Clearly dating isn't a legitimate enough purpose.) I remember thinking that at least half of them would probably connect the Parsha with dating, relationship or marriage in some convoluted way. Still, it's inescapable, and some of them even turned out to be enjoyable. 

When I'd finally signed up, I made the mistake of not dragging a friend along with me, a bit of wisdom I've learned from women who may even drag a friend off to the restroom. So when I got there, I was prepared to be my own wing-man (a la "Hey! Have you met... me?")  or perhaps having to enlist the services of a matchmaker as a wing-man-by-proxy. I have to say, as much as I value and appreciate matchmakers' time, experience and intuition, I tend to lean on the side of having less involvement with a third party; plus, I'm not entirely confident of their wing-man skills. Just my own personal pause. 

But, as fortune would have it, I ran into a buddy of mine when we all convened for Minchah. Once davening was done, we got to talking and he told me that he didn't expect anything to come from the Shabbaton; if nothing else, he decided to come and just have fun.

I have to say, that's the best bit of advice I'd ever heard. What a perspective! There's no pressure, no expectation, no need to be nervous. Be myself, enjoy myself, let it flow. My immediate thought was "that's my wingman!"

(And for those of you already formulating comments about how dating should be taken seriously and how much you hate those jokers on the Shabbaton, I have to say for anyone who already takes it seriously and has a tendency to get nervous it's quite liberating. For people who just don't care to begin with... well, let them be. At least there's some life in the party with jokers around.)

And good times were had. I think, in the end, it's really what you make of the experience. If you like to be loud, be loud! If you like to sing, tralala away! It was so much easier to be myself when I wasn't worried about being evaluated (even if I was, which no doubt occurred).

We'd pick the women we found interesting -or anyone we had the slightest desire to talk to, or just anyone in the vicinity -and we'd strike up conversation; but not the boring "who are you, what do you do, where are you from?" Jewish-geography-meets-twenty-questions game.We'd ask for the wackiest dating story, or their most awkward experience on the Shabbaton thus far. We'd joke and tease and kid around. Give the women a hard time for giving boring answers, challenge them, tell them we know they could do better.

We were mixing it up, and our mission was to have a good time. The degree to which we were noticed for our (perhaps more than slightly) unconventional approach was an ancillary benefit that only spurred us into a greater frenzy. More positive, upbeat, exciting energy. At least in our little warped bubble of the Shabbaton.

So I've decided that is how it's done. If the air is so full of tension and so thick with expectation that people are suffocating, what's the point? Likewise if it's full of the waking dead who have little more to say than "brrrrraiiiiins." It's great to meet people, to have good times, to wing and help people connect. It's fun to joke around.

And sometimes, it's just nice not to care. There is far too much pressure, especially at some of these events.

When I'm Hurting

When I am in pain,
When my heart is hurting
When I clutch at my chest
And give way to silent, invisible tears.

I see your eyes.
But I do not want concern.
I do not like to see you worry,
Or wonder if I'll make it through.

I will.

What I want to see,
What I wish to feel,
And know...

Is that you understand.
That you see I am in pain,
That it means something to you.

I will be fine.

If you worry,
If you express concern,
It makes me wonder
How strong you think I really am.

If you believe it will
Cut so deeply,
That I will never recover,
That I will hurt forever....

I will heal.

What I don't want
Is your haughty pity
Or attempts to change my feelings.

Don't try to fix it
To fix me or my feelings.
Trust in my strength, show me respect.

And I will show you resilience.

It will change soon.
My heart will beat on,
My mind will clear,
My soul will endure.

I am strong.

All I need
When I show you
My pain

Is to see
Just how much
You care.

Simply be with me.

"Creative Writing" - Sex With Purpose?

Disclaimer: This article may address issues and use language that may seem inappropriate or otherwise offensive to some. Read on only if you are comfortable and willing to take responsibility for yourself. 

I begin with a single paragraph summary, for context:

After a controversial article had been posted in creative writing portion of the Beacon, some backlash and controversy resulted in temporarily taking down the article (meanwhile, it was posted at NewVoices.org as a placeholder and parodies cropped up on FrumSatire and TheLevineMachine). Subsequently, a meeting with Yeshiva University administrators resulted in a mutual agreement and parting ways of YU and Beacon as affiliates. As a note, YU didn't directly fund The Beacon, it was funded as a club by a student government at Stern College for Women (the female campus of Yeshiva University). Meanwhile, a whole slew of newspapers, blogs and other media has picked up on the issue (of which a thoroughly incomplete list is posted below) and Toviah Moldwin, one of the co-editors in chief posted a letter of resignation. 

What I am most interested in, though, is the discussions that came out through some of the comments and media reports that followed (feel free to read the comments on the original article). The core of the issue(s) throughout and the following controversy has surrounded two major topics:

1) The purpose of the article, it's intended and communicated message
2) The propriety of the article's words and approach to the topic at hand

Amid accusations of impropriety and irresponsibility, frustrations over censorship, polarized eruption over the tensions between "Yeshiva" and "University" of the issue, sarcastic mocking on both sides, and diplomatic posturing (for reference, see comments on the original article and following blog posts linked below), the general engagement over issues much larger than words and the topic of sex has me perplexed, fascinated, frustrated, torn with understanding and -somewhat guiltily -amused by the many different angles on the issue(s) at hand.

I often like to sit back and absorb as much information and as many perspectives as possible before making up my own mind; I believe that being informed about the many angles on the issue(s) and -most importantly -more information about what occurred and the thought processes behind the actions taken grants a holistic understanding, which is important to me as someone who strives to first figure out what's going on before settling on my own thoughts.

Often enough I find that I cannot get all the little pieces, and I am left with a woefully incomplete puzzle of the picture, as I am here. And it's the same feeling I got from the original creative writing piece -lacking a sense of the author's feelings and motivations. In fact, in the entire article I found less than a handful of feeling words on a topic that so often is so emotionally charged (just see the passionate responsiveness of the community following the issue for evidence) that I finished the article with a blank impression bordering on shock. It seemed to me like such a numb experience, written either by someone suppressing great emotion due to pain, or as though the entire experience were surreal and not really lived. Alternatively, it's just a bad piece of writing (though I'm going to set aside that possibility for the purpose of my own thoughts).

So what is the purpose?

Confused, I found myself wondering if the author didn't have a full grasp of those feelings herself. My best guesses included her having never experienced what she'd written or was afraid to put her feelings on paper, to force herself to process them, making them truly tangible and available for everyone to read, understand and possibly even judge (or perhaps that the author is actually male). Perhaps that may speak more to the anonymity -a concern for being judged. I can imagine that myself, what would be said of the author if a name had been attached to the article?

In a very typical fashion, many of own thoughts have since been focused on that gaping hole in the article, and wondering whether it mirrors a gaping hole in the author's own heart (and if so, how that experience is for her). Without answers, that is the impression I have. Resolved not to be resolved, I find myself in a nebulous state of confusion and loss for answers, wondering if perhaps that impression is precisely its purpose.

And a little bell chimes in my own mind, ringing with the words, "isn't that -by some definition -the purpose of creative writing?" Sounds so post-modern, which tickles me because I strongly dislike that aspect of post-modern art.

Not having answers is often so much more difficult to manage than resolving on one way of thinking.

Of course, the content seems also of vital importance, especially given the way our community draws associations and represents itself through all things connected to us. Which leads to the second major topic (noted above, see #2), and the latter half of this post: propriety (and issues of what the post is perpetuating, with or without explicit intent). The basic tension I've seen is one of propriety versus self expression.

One side takes a position of religious propriety, noting that any content bordering on (or having) explicit sexual content (however tame by comparison) should not be publicly aired, least of all in a newspaper or other publication intended for mass viewership and particularly when associated with organizations such a Yeshiva University, which is a religious establishment with Torah values at it's core. (Perhaps we can call this side simply "Yeshiva.")

The other side touts one's (legal) rights for self expression, some noting the article's place in the creative writing section of the paper, pointing out its potentially fictitious nature or noting how little explicit content is actually described, or comparing it to Tanach, which has its own explicit descriptions of sexual encounters. (Perhaps this side can be labeled "University.")

Of course there is another view, perhaps best described as centrist, that searches for and questions the value in such a piece, with the position that having substance qualitatively in the form of thick description or quantitatively, grounded empirical/Halachic data, would lend legitimacy and purpose to the article (see the two posts, here and here for Chana's exquisite articulation of this perspective). The idea would be to engage an important issue within a framework, and the framework is one of Torah values with the purpose of struggling with the issues. (Perhaps understood as a rigorously academic form of "Torah U'Maddah")

These three viewpoints are not simply camps of thought, but form a spectrum. In many ways, though, these arguments have left the community quite polarized. I acknowledge that I have no clear answers, and I'm still wondering if that gaping hole -the feeling of unrest that I've been left with since reading the original article -stoked the fires of controversy more than the actual content.

But in my own mind and through my exploration of what's been going on, I have seen the community engaged on so many levels, from different perspectives, on both major topics of this issue. Perhaps I would rather it were more respectfully done, given all the criticisms and name calling I waded through in my exploration of the issue. I also see the entire issue presented in such a fragmented ways through the multitude of different, unconnected sources that the entire process seems to me extremely messy and overly-complicated. More than that, a holistic understanding of what has been going on has been so much more difficult for me to construct (albeit a thrilling endeavor).

While I have many thoughts and probably a few rants on the topic and issue, consistent with my own style, I'd like to gather more impressions and information before launching into my own diatribe (or have I done that already? :P). To that end, I put up a new poll, and I welcome comments and discussion (though, I admit, some may see further discussion as beating a dead horse).


~~
Blog Sources: 
http://blog.newvoices.org/?p=10070
http://blog.newvoices.org/?p=10077
http://blog.newvoices.org/?p=10102
http://www.frumsatire.net/2011/12/06/tefillin-date-with-a-stern-girl/
http://thelevinemachine.tumblr.com/post/13816824462/one-night-in-washington-heights-a-seminary-story
http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2011/12/yu-beacon-piece-on-sexuality.html
http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-feelings-take-precedence-over-your.html
http://blogs.jta.org/telegraph/article/2011/12/10/3090668/sex-story-engulfs-yu-beacon
http://blogs.forward.com/sisterhood-blog/147548/

Online News:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/10/nyregion/yeshiva-university-stunned-by-tale-of-a-tryst.html
http://jezebel.com/yeshiva-university-beacon/
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/12/08/jewish-university-school-newspaper-cut-ties-over-controversial-sex-column/
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/orthodox-jewish-university-campus-newspaper-cut-ties-over-student-sex-column/
http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/editor-yeshiva-university-paper-beacon-resigns-outrager-sex-essay-article-1.989173
http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/sex-relationships/dating/2010-11-04-sexbook04_ST_N.htm
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203413304577086981940609346.html#
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2071940/Jewish-university-cuts-funding-student-newspaper-refuse-remove-literally-pornographic-essay-students-night-stand.html
http://www.haaretz.com/jewish-world/newspaper-and-jewish-university-sever-ties-over-article-on-orthodox-woman-s-one-night-stand-1.400581
http://gothamist.com/2011/12/09/sex_story_in_orthodox_jewish_colleg.php

Parodies:
http://www.frumsatire.net/2011/12/06/tefillin-date-with-a-stern-girl/
http://thelevinemachine.tumblr.com/post/13816824462/one-night-in-washington-heights-a-seminary-story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knGKkfr-mdg

Debonair

adj. - (1) Trying something different. (2) The art of being smooth.

Admittedly, not the actual definition. But that's what I've been feelin' recently.

One of the things I heard and adopted when I started shidduch dating is creating a habit out of a series of steps from the moment I speak with a Shadchan until I'm on a date (and even during the course of the date).

Some things, like always expressing gratitude and appreciation to the Shadchan, I really feel are important and a part of who I am. Others, like the trite and rote way I had initiated contact, were deserving of some... revisions.

When I started down this path, I wanted to learn what the expectations are and what's generally considered polite and nice. I'm not the type to blunder my way through, I'd rather gather up as much intelligence and information as I can and formulate a plan. I'm a plan man.

The plan I'd initially formulated went thusly:
Once I had a suggestion and we'd mutually agreed, I'd get her number and text her to introduce myself and arrange a time to speak on the phone. And then we'd have a short conversation before arranging a first date. And then we'd go on a first date.

Booooooooring. 

One of the most frustrating issues I feel I've faced is that all of the niceties and expectations set a particular tone for the course of interacting/dating. So, I'm thinking it's time to change the paradigm.

Naturally, this means shaking things up and some people may not be so interested or enamored by my alterations to the fabric of the dating universe, but it's my dating universe and I decided to work it my own way.

So now, I'll talk via text before setting up a time to converse on the phone. Test out the waters, put out a bit of overconfidence and humor, maybe even -gasp- flirt. See how responsive she is. Find some commonalities, make personal jokes out of them. Use the personal jokes incessantly (assuming they actually get a laugh). Have her wonder if I always do this, tell her only with those who inspire me to (which, for you cynics shaking your heads right now, is true... a woman who isn't receptive or responsive to any sort of playfulness won't encourage me to express that part of myself).

I'll call and have a long conversation, ask about motivations instead of mere facts about every "what, when and where" in her life. Weave in the personal jokes. Talk seriously about my own passions. Tease and make nicknames and laugh. Ask her what she really wants out of life. Sarcastically self-deprecate. Then I'll check in, see if she's still interested enough to go out. If she is...

Wallah!

There is a precedent -a framework -to have both lighthearted and exciting exchange as well as tachlit/tachlis talk. To be able to check back with how she's feeling and listen, but also to tease and play. To be serious and completely silly. Have an open heart and an accessible soul. To be a youngster and an adult. To be genteel and a bit of a jerk, but not really.    

Perhaps I push boundaries, maybe even unintentionally slightly offend (or more than slightly), but I can take that as an opportunity to take responsibility and make amends if I go too far. I can learn something by observing how she handles that. There's something about that process -about having those experiences -that changes the way we interact, and avoids the antiquated paradigm of dating as I'd originally adopted it.

Okay, maybe I am blundering my way through. But hey, I might as well enjoy the interactions as I am. Plus, I'm not sure anyone is really doing better than blundering through the dating part of being single. At least this way, I get to blunder with a spring in my step.

Dating in My Spare Time

Since I started school, field work, research (part-time) work and several other responsibilities (which are wonderfully fulfilling), I've been asked over and over how I have time to date. I think about it a lot myself too.

I'm a big believer in the idea that we make time for the things that are important for us. We always have (or find) time for our top priority. Of course, what the top priority is may vary from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment.

But with so much going on in my life, I've begun to feel that the time I set aside for dating feels like my "spare time." Every time I'm trying to sort out the logistics of a date, I have all those other responsibilities to put first, to navigate and make sure they are taken care of. Only then can I carve out a few hours for a date.

I'm confident that I have my priorities straight and I'm serious about searching for a wife, but it has been feeling a bit like an afterthought or a hobby... something I'm doing when I simply have a bit of time that isn't taken up by other parts of my life.

Busy Season

As I noted when the summer began, this school year is going to be particularly busy. Between fieldwork, classes, research my part-time job and various other responsibilities, much of my time will be taken up.

While I'd thought summer would be a great time to start dating, it was much slower and each step -be that getting a suggestion, giving appropriate thought/time, answering, waiting to hear back, calling, scheduling and finally going out -took more time than I'd envisioned it would. Not to mention having to go back and revisit the cycle (be that finding time for and scheduling another date or having to return to square one). I guess that's why they call dating a process, huh.

What a pain.

Anyways, as I enter perhaps the busiest semester of my life (thus far... they always seem to get more crammed with responsibilities), I really wonder how I will keep up with my dating life. I will probably struggle to simply get enough sleep and eat right, though I hope that dating doesn't go out the window. Thus, I expect it to slow down considerably, as I won't have time to consider each match at my leisure.  It may take me longer to respond, I may rush my decision or make more snap judgments because I'm busy, badgered or don't have the time I'd like... Or maybe I'll just keep telling people I'm busy and push it off.

We'll see, I'll have to feel it out. 

When Giving Him the Boot...

Ladies, next time you tell a guy you're not interested or that "you don't feel it," here are a few of things NOT to say/do when you give him the boot (Just in case it wasn't made clear... I was dumped recently):

1) Don't start with "Do you have time to talk? I need to talk to you about something..." and follow it up with "I'll call you shortly" but take over forever to actually call him.

2) Do NOT gush about how great he is when you're dumping him. It's super confusing. Yes, I understand intellectually that there are great people that aren't meant for each other and flattery (or ego stroking) is nice, but it's not the time to tell him both things at once. It's emotionally confusing and sends mixed messages to the guy.


3) Don't say: "I'm in [some other city] and a bunch of shadchanim have been trying to set me up with guys since I got here." It's tactless and gratuitous jabbing.

~~


And here is a recap of my stats for the summer: 

Number of women suggested: 26

Number of women I "declined": 17
Number of women I "accepted": 9
Number of women who "declined" me (or were busy): 6
Number of women who "accepted" me: 3

Total number of women I dated: 3
Number of women I dumped: 0
Number of women who dumped me: 3

All in all, a busy summer, though I didn't expect it would take so much time to get dating... I've also noticed that a lot of women will decide on a guy based on how she feels for him, despite/irrespective of his character.

Dating, Feelings, and Going Blind

For the first time in a long, long time (or so it seems to me), I've begun (and I use that term liberally) dating someone who really excites me.

Thus far, I find her (very) attractive (check), respectful (check) and flexible (check). Beyond the basics, I have begun seeing indications of the character traits I search for -being growth focused, strongly nurturing, and dedicated to Halachah. It was unexpected, because I didn't sit around analyzing her (which is something I try to avoid) it just struck my like lightning after a few dates and talking to her (for hours).

At first, I resisted. I didn't want to open the floodgates, to admit that I really, really like her. That I miss her when we don't get to speak for even a few days. Perhaps I was afraid, maybe I didn't want it to show too much earlier on. I can be intense. But I decided to let go of my reticence and embrace my feelings.

Now I'm quickly becoming increasingly blind, and I know it. I don't see clearly, rationally or logically, my mind and my thoughts are clouded with strong emotions. Those emotions communicate a great deal to me: that I am impressed by her, that I enjoy her company, speaking with and listening to her, that I like what I have seen and we have great chemistry.

On the other hand, I know I am in no state of mind to get a clear perspective on her character. The way I feel about her acts as a colored lens, filtering every interaction, conversation and experience through my emotions. Because everything she says and does is tinted by emotion, my judgment is likewise colored by my growing infatuation.

So I am riding the waves of emotions and the way my heart skips a beat when she answers the phone, responds to a text or initiates contact. I embrace the good times, my growing obsession, thinking about her at random times throughout the day, occasional daydreaming, and the side-effects of blindness, difficulty focusing and preoccupation. I tolerate -and maybe even take a guitly pleasure in secretly relishing -the thought that often pops into my head, the voice wondering if she may be my future wife.

Most of all, I'm trying to keep a "level-head" and not get swept away. To be aware, to allow myself to take a plunge into the emotional depths of joy and still know that this isn't everything, that there is more to see, to experience and learn about her (which I am really looking forward to), and that these feelings are transient.

Every so often I get the creeping sense of fear, the question: "what if she rejects me?" that brings with it uncertainty, and a shadow of doubt regarding my own self-worth. It is always a sobering, scary moment, ripe with the potential to unleash a tsunami of anxiety and fear.

What a roller coaster of feelings! The thoughts could lift me up in a whirlwind and carry me off, but I remind myself that I choose my own character, my own sense of worth and that I am choosing her. I am confident in my choices, in my experience, in my feelings and thoughts, because I have worked hard to build myself. That is my own work, my hands, my worth. Of course none of that is possible without Hashem, the opportunity He provides, and the guidance of His Torah. Remembering that He, too, looks out for me as I work so hard on myself and my relationships -having seen that play out in my life -brings me an added sense of security and calm.

And so, I am going forward, blind and feeling my way through this for now, knowing that Hashem is not just putting a stumbling block in front of me. Which means, ultimately, that now is a time for growth. While I may want to take dating at its own pace, when it comes to my personal growth, I say: "Full speed ahead!"

Interview with the Shadchan Brigade

The other night I went to a "Meet the Shadchan" event. Here's the story.

I heard about it only a few days in advance, and while I immediately set aside the time in my planner, it took until the morning of to hammer out all the details. I had some errands to run and therapy in the morning, schoolwork to do in the afternoon and less than an hour to get ready and travel. Busy day, of course. Clearly nobody's making this easy on me.

I picked out my clothing the night before, everything from pants to button-down shirt, belt and shoes. I was dressing to make a distinctly "me" impression, and -as usual -I was determined to make it the best of me.

I had received some guiding questions in advance, and spent hours crafting finely wrought, concise but genuine answers. Then I spent even more time formatting. I wanted them to take a glance and clearly see the basics -name, contact info, height, open-ended questions, references -and notice that I put thought and consideration into my answers. When they were checked, double checked, printed, checked and double checked again, they finally went into my leather folder, ready to take with me. Finally, I felt more confident, powerful and refined once armed with my Shidduch resume.

I'm not messing around, this is the most important position I'll ever have in life, and the potential for growth and promotion -"random guy" to "dating" to "significant other" to "chatan" to "husband" to "father" and beyond -is unfathomable.  "One step at a time," I tell myself. I'm not the only one being interviewed, or searching. For that matter, a good chunk of that is self-employment and motivation. I go nowhere without "me" and the hard work I put in.  

I'm about to head out, but turn around. I forgot my headphones. Must. Listen. To. Music. Aside from putting a lighter note in my heart, a bounce in my step and stimulating my mind... it also calms my nerves, when they begin to fray.

Flash forward. I arrive.

Okay, so things were a tad shaky to start. I had to print out my own resume instead of being able to just email it and have them print it out for the Shadchanim. That's okay, handing it to them separately will make me stick out. I wasn't sure if there would be space, but I'm here and that's all that matters, right? Right. I enter the fray.


As the night begins, I speak with a few Shdchanim that really spend time getting a feel for who I am, but as more people show up, an air of rushing and getting to the point quicker adds some time-pressure to the meetings. I hear many of the same questions -asking about my religiosity, hashgafah, my ideal woman, what I can't stand, my "look," personality traits, if I'll date Ashkenazi women or prefer only Sefardi, etc.

It's not so bad, these Shadchanim know how to schmooze. They seem very in tune and get to the point without being overly blunt. I get a lot of ego stroking... comments like "you have a nice smile," "you need a fantastic woman, I have to see if I have one for you" abound. If my face could turn red, it might have.

But, for the most part, I don't really answer these questions. I side-step them. I'm not an "in the box" or "cookie-cutter" type person and I don't have a specific "look." I find many different kinds of women attractive. Aside from the fact that no single combination of features is singularly attractive to me, attraction is broader than thinness, dress size, hip-waist-chest ratios and whatever else people are obsessed with nowadays.

I don't have a "personality type," like outgoing versus quiet. I care about character, like a woman being a giving person, particularly in her desire to fulfill the needs of her husband. That she communicates well, has a basic unbreakable respect that won't collapse under stress, pressure, anger, hurt or frustration -because without that respect communication breaks down and blame is laid out. I know I need a nurturing woman, someone who cares about (and is dedicated to) Halachah, someone who works hard on their own personal development and is motivated/committed to continue that growth process. And, apparently, through the way I talk most shadchanim assume I need someone intelligent. I like to think I need someone who can keep up with me.

Anything more is the icing and cherry on top. It helps that I'm not worried about lack of chemistry.

I also say that I think issues like who does the cooking or cleaning or fixes the car or are relatively irrelevant. With mature people who communicate, it can be worked out. For the most part, people aren't thrilled about doing chores, and they just need to get done. With people who have the giving mentality of "if I can do it, I will," and see it as showing love and care for the relationship/home/family, there's no reason to fight over it. Each person is 100% responsible for each thing that needs to be done, and should show appreciation when the other is filling that need. In fact, fighting over this kind of thing vaguely reminds me of two kids arguing about who has more orange juice in their glass.

More ego stroking ensues.

After interviewing with over twenty Shadchanim (and not even getting to introduce myself to half of the Shadchanim at the event), I'm exhausted. Also, despite my initial perspective and subsequent preparation, the process felt much more human than businesslike, which is something I particularly enjoy about YUConnects, and my experience with them has been much better as I have more and more human contact. By the time I leave, I've already got a few suggestions and immanent follow-ups. I've also collected many complements, and of course I show every bit of appreciation I can for the time and effort they clearly give to me and others. It really impresses me, and I'm always touched and amazed at the sheer time and effort that goes into the system.

Plus, I've now met many more Shadchanim, and that's part of the larger networking process of getting more people to think about me. Make an impression, and when someone comes along, perhaps with a bit of divine guidance, I'll pop into the matchmaker's mind. At least, that's how it is supposed to work, right?

"I was hoping we can talk..."

Words like those have a foreboding quality, because it's rare that a person says them and has something great to say. And when it comes to dating, rare means it's never something good.

Of course, I've got a marathon all-day-long class schedule today.

Heaven help me focus.

It's Not You

I didn't reject you
I didn't say
That you are simply
Not enough for me
Or that you are ugly

I learned the hard way
That sometimes
We just cannot be
What the other person needs

I said, once
To a woman
I thought was everything
That I would be
Whatever she needs

And I failed
Miserably
I fell short
Fell indeed

It hurt her
But it hurt me more
I felt inadequate
Like nothing I did
Could be enough
And for me
There is nothing worse
Than not being enough

So when I said
That I don't find you attractive
I meant to say:
"You are beautiful
But I can't appreciate it
No matter how hard I try"
That same inadequacy
You feel
Is in my own heart

I learned the hard way
That sometimes
We just cannot be
What the other person needs

I think sometimes
Maybe I should be
Less blunt
And more gentle
Gentle tore out my heart
Under the guise
Of protection

And I failed
Miserably
I fell short
Fell indeed

Blunt is painful
But honest
Though
The worlds left out
Are often
The ones we need
To say
And to hear
The most

Maybe
When I say
That you cannot
Fulfill my needs
I mean to say
"I cannot become
What is necessary
To get
What I need
From you"

And I failed
Miserably
I fell short
Fell indeed

I learned the hard way
That sometimes
We just cannot be
What the other person needs


(Hat tip to SternGrad for her poem, which inspired this one.)

Letter To My Future Wife

Hello Honey,

I have a few (okay, more than just a few) things I need to let you know before we get married. Hopefully you can understand why as you read.

I have a great many fears and concerns about marriage. Fears like not having the physical affection or sexual satisfaction I need. Fear that frustration and anger may breach the foundation stones of our relationships -our desire to fulfill each others' needs and an unshakable respect for one another. Fear that you may not be as obsessed with our children and dedicated to doing whatever it takes to make sure they grow up in a positive, nurturing, loving environment that helps them learn all the most important things about life, especially things like responsibility, that our actions have consequences and how to handle frustration and disappointment. Fears that we will lose touch with each other in those years we dedicate to our children. Fears that we may forget how to reconnect when -God Willing -they've grown up. Fear that I cannot give you everything you need and everything you want. Fear that not being able to do so will make me a failure, or perhaps not worthy or lovable in your eyes. I know these fears are all crazy. I'll get over them, probably the day I meet (or rather, met) you. But these are the things I think about, and I want to make sure we will do them well together. 

I cannot be your everything, and so I beg of you, please don't ask me to be. I will not simply be your best friend, I will be your husband. I will learn everything I can to be the best husband and lover to you, and the best daddy to our children. I started on that path when I was much younger, and I've been working on it ever since. But I won't be your total emotional support, your only friend and I can't make you feel fulfilled in everything. I just can't. I don't have the power. Please, please don't ask me to or expect that of me, for I will fail miserably and it will hurt us both beyond comprehension. Go, have friends, time to yourself, a relationship with your parents, personal passions, hobbies, a career, and whatever else you may need to feel fulfilled. I don't have to be involved in all of it, but I will cherish whatever we do share.

Marriage is a choice made to give for the rest of my life. So I will give you of everything I have and everything I am. Sometimes, because I'm human, I'll need some help or to be taken care of before I can do that. I'll work on letting you know and being clear and I really hope you do the same. I'll give you every ounce of genuineness and honesty I can, and I'll work on undoing the tactlessness I inherited along with my "Y" chromosome.

I am flawed. Hopefully you know and love those things about me. But mostly, I hope you realize that it makes me human, and so when I screw up what I really need isn't to be yelled at or berated, but given the opportunity to take responsibility, apologize correctly and make amends. Just give me the space and time to come to terms with it, and you'll see a world of difference.

I have a purpose in my life, a mission. Family is tremendously important to me, but if I fail at my mission I will feel like a failure in my life -it is, perhaps, a flaw in my construction as a Man. Personally, I don't think so, though; it is the source of my ambition, my drive to achieve and my guarantee to succeed . Setbacks won't stop me and I believe that brick walls and glass ceilings are only opportunities to show my determination, but I can't get there without your support.

God Willing, when we have children, I want -more than anything else -to be there for you and them. They are our legacy and my family is my world. If you need it, I will come home from work, drop my briefcase and get to cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, feeding the kids or playing with them. Actually, I'll play with them anyways, but for the rest... until I know what you need, I don't know how to give to you.

Please, please realize that when I come home from work I'm all stressed, exhausted an drained from the day (and believe me, I know it's the same exhaustion for you after your long days too). I need to be nurtured or let alone so that I can regroup, recoup and draw my strength to have my full attention and presence. If I'm bombarded with a million things when I get home, I will quickly get burnt out. But I know that when little kids are in the mix, that's pretty much the way it goes.

On that note, I will be clear about my needs and how you can give to me. And I will listen to yours. I know we each have different needs, that we approach them differently and that it's not always natural to give another person the way they need. But I will learn your language, I will enter your world and I will give the way you need. To do so, all I need is for you to let me in. I know sometimes that will be really hard, but there's no other way for me to know.

I am not a mind-reader, nor am I a mind-reader's son. If you'd like me to do something, let me know. Say, "I'd really appreciate it if..." or ask respectfully. Demanding and/or complaining inspires resistance, and I know that's a two way street. But since I'm not a woman there's absolutely no way I can know your needs or what's going on in your mind. I know you'd really like me to... and so often I just wish I could reach in there and just pluck out your thoughts, hopes and expectations. But I can't and so I don't know what you are thinking, hoping or expecting of me.

I need you to know that, as a Man, I am a physical being. That's how I relate to the world. I ask that you understand that, and if you learn to connect to me in those ways I will be eternally grateful. I do not demand that dinner be ready for me every night, but few things touch my heart as connections that reach me through physicality. Make no mistake, I know what it takes to shop, prepare, cook and set tables. I will honor and cherish that every time I see it, if you should ever choose to grace me with such splendor.

A quick note on sex -I won't ask, beg or demand. It is shared experience, and you can bet your engagement ring that I'm learning whatever I need to make sure you're having the time of your life. It's about exploring one another's bodies, minds, hearts, thoughts, feelings, fantasies and the most sacred way to know and bond with another person. It's not something to bet, barter, reward or punish with, because that's absolutely abusive. But it is a way to connect, to share, to be one. With that is the understanding that we'll each have needs and the desire to fulfill them in one another.

As a Man, there are a bunch of other quirks about me you should know. First, that I say what I mean. There's no "in between the lines," just read the transcript and take the words at their literal face value. If I "mean something," I'll say it. No, really. I will. Second, when I'm focused on something, absolutely nothing else sinks in. If there's something important, please make sure I've first let go of whatever I was focusing on before you tell me, or just put it in writing for me. Either way, please be gentle; being torn from my focus is actually painful to me. In the same vein, asking once doesn't mean I'll remember, or that something will get done; I know it can feel frustrating, but either asking again or putting it in writing will greatly help me. Third, if you know how to stroke my ego -make me feel good about myself and who I am -everything is much softer on me. Fourth, when I'm angry I don't always need to talk about it, I usually just need to sit on my own and process it. We men take more time to integrate that kind of thing. Please just give me the chance to do that. Trust that I will come to you when I need to talk, as long as you know how to listen. But the best thing you can do is lend me your physical presence. No speech, just silence (if I'm really agitated, it may require a soothing "shhhh" with your index finger touching your lips to show me it's not about the agitation/issue). Maybe also your head on my lap (or vice-versa), and perhaps your hair to play with. Believe it or not, those things really do help, they'll calm me right down. Fifth, my favorite activity is doing nothing. No, seriously. Because all day I burden myself with the million-and-one stresses like work, family, finances and a million other things, the way I de-stress is to literally space out and completely forget any of that exists. Call it floating in la-la land if you must, but that's just how I operate.

The heart is a wondrous entity; emotions tell us so much about what is going on. Pain is inevitable, as is hurt, frustration, anger, resentment... there will be storms. I will weather them. I will listen, I will do everything I can to be present, not to take them personally or try to "fix" everything, but to be with you, as an anchor, as a pillar, as your rock. I will be the calm, the eye of your storm, when you need me to be.

I ask that you never hold your emotions from me. I've worked so hard  to be ready, to listen to them and to accept them, whatever they are. You have every right to feel however you do, and I want to hear and share in your joys and sorrows, for shared joy is double joy and shared pain is halved pain. More than anything I ask this because I know that when we do not keep our hearts open, our reactions to pain lead us to create shells with layers upon layers of thick hide and armor to try and protect our hearts. A healthy heart is one that can bear and live with pain, and a beautiful relationship is one where the two hearts are open and connected, so that they experience those emotions together, be that the wild excitement and pleasurable ecstasies or the deep wells of anguish, grief and loss. I am doing everything to prepare myself for the unpleasant truths, because if we can be honest and accept that it may hurt while keeping our hearts open and connected, we'll make it through anything together.

About my Mother and Father - I learned from them how to love and how to be a good parent. If nothing else, I need you to appreciate this fact. I want to live up to the amazing way they raised their children, and I count myself among the luckiest in the world to have them as parents. I know they'll welcome you as they did me when I entered the family, because you're just the natural extension of me. Or, in other words, if you're supporting me, helping to fulfill my needs and making me happy, they'll be thrilled. That and they're absolutely crazy about having grandchildren, but don't worry they won't rush it. They'd rather we had the means and foundation first.

I'm sure there's much more, but some things we'll just have to figure out together.

With an open heart,

Ish Yehudi

Foray into the Fray: I Just Started Online Shidduch Dating

Fair warning, this is long (though I hope it is entertaining and informative). 

My previous experience with shadchaniyot notwithstanding, I decided to enter the shidduch world. It's another roadblock I've had to overcome in recognizing that, since I feel ready for marriage, all avenues are valuable and should be pursued.

In the beginning...

I got onto SawYouAtSinai, and made a profile. I spent five and a half hours(!) filling out surveys  and pondering my own little quips such as "why are there many types of Ashkenazim but only Sefardi and not Eidut Hamizrach???" I carefully crafted answers for the open questions that reflect a genuine presentation of who I am, found pictures I liked on Facebook and hounded old friends for higher quality versions and cropped them appropriately while silently thanking God for shomer space, as it made cropping so much easier (especially since I've got pictures from weddings with my thousands of cousins). I was careful to employ literary tactics such as showing-not-telling who I am in the "about me" section, having an opening and closing sentence that stand alone as the introduction and conclusion with four succinct two-sentence paragraphs as a body that address different values of my life in ways that add depth and enrich the character of my profile. I use embroidered language that creates rich descriptions and avoid "I am... I do... I like... I want..." like the plague because, frankly, that's boring and less trustworthy. Hey, if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it right.

While filling out the longest questionnaire I've ever encountered, the only thought that kept me going is that answering fully and honestly puts me in a pool of "peers," more or less. The idea of matching is, essentially, to get those who think, act and feel alike together. But that's all it is, a group of people who have commonalities or similarities. None of that really indicates much about a relationship, per se. That, I thought to myself, is where the "human element" comes in, and what a shadchanit does. The way I thought about it is... that's the skill. Not just putting together similarities. It's not just about throwing as many atoms as possible at each other and hoping some will bond. That's the difference between experimental work and science.

But successful dating that lead to lasting, healthy, happy relationships is more than science, it's an art too. Is this reasonable to expect that there be a reason other than "you two are similar" that prompts a suggestion? Perhaps they ask only that the similarities are given a chance, that those who are suggested take that chance, that opportunity. Assuming a person can take every opportunity, this would work. But that depends on a whole lot of factors, including available time and resources, level of similarity and initial interest. Some have more time than others, and some get more suggestions than others. These things are important to consider, and my experiences thus far are recounted below. On the flip-side of that coin is giving reasons for declining a potential match. We will get to this in a moment.

Something I should note is that I've grown up with an attitude that flexibility is important, being open to different people, different backgrounds. Qualities I am looking for do not just fit in religious categories (though dedication to Halachah is tremendously important to me) or music tastes. So I began with a broader and more open idea of what I'd consider in looking for a spouse. More flexibility means more options, which means more opportunity.  

It has been less than a week, and I already get the feeling I'm a commodity, that I'm being handled and perhaps that I am not being treated as a person. It has been a tad overwhelming. Here's the summation my initial of experience:

Here are some descriptives:

11 Shadchaniyot contacted me through SawYouAtSinai
12 Matches have been suggested or proposed in some form

10 Sefardi women were suggested (2 Ashkenazi)
2 Same religious/hashkafic area (8 further right, 2 further left)
9 My age or a year younger (1 three years younger, 2 a year older)

10 Stated no reason for the match (1 had a single sentence written by the shadchanit).
0 Had more than a couple sentences in the "About me" section.
7 Matches currently suggested or pending approval (I'm "full" and can't take another suggestion) 

First off, that's a lot for less then a week, and my first exposure. I have more time in the summer, but still cannot consider and go out with all of them at once. I am partially tempted to just leave it be so that I don't continue to get more suggestions. It's an onslaught, and I understand where the impression comes from that men are having women thrown at them. At the same time, it puts me in the place of feeling like "fresh meat."  

Based on this, the conclusion I draw is that I am being introduced to a population (otherwise known as targeted networking). There are more of a certain type "suggested" to me than others. Now, if this is the case (and I gather that in part from the lack of stated reasons for a suggestion or contact required coupled with the lack of expressive or informitive "about me" sections and the multiple-sneak-attack suggestions), then why would not giving a reason for declining be a big deal? I admit I am new and my past experience with a shadchanit wasn't particularly positive so I may have a tinted lens, but am I missing something here? 

Onto the stories...

One Shadchanit asked me to email her (apparently doing so through the website would be "too complicated"), and proceeded to send me a resume with little information and no picture. Upon asking what her inspiration was, she replied emphatically: "Because you would want to date her!" I'm not sure how she figured that, since all I got was a list of siblings, references and schools. Perhaps she'd scoured my profile and decided so on her own, though leaving me out of the loop as to why doesn't give me much motivation or a reason to do anything about it. I still have little/no idea what this particular woman looks like, what her personality is or what her life values and goals are. I don't even know where she is religiously. Sure, I could call a bunch of strangers who would give me a list of positive qualities (or have someone else do so on my behalf). But would it be so unrealistic to ask what went on in her mind (i.e. why) that she put two and two together?

Another shadchanit (not through SawYouAtSinai) cornered me in person and gushed, "I found your wife! Only problem might be... she's not shomer." I sat her down (yes, I sat her down) and had a talk with her, telling her about my life story, my values, my ambitions, my flexibility, my home growing up and what I am looking for. B"H she actually listened. Her convictions swayed as she learned more about me. Finally she "backed off" by telling me it's a "vacation" like "getting to know the other side," gave me the woman's contact information and told me the woman expects to be contacted. Thanks, I'm looking forward (okay, I actually do like to get to know people, I learned to be flexible and have hope for religious growth from my parents... but, seriously!?). I will, of course contact her. But my expectations are not overly-inflated. 

I declined three others, since I recognized from the pictures and profiles that I wouldn't be attracted to them. Of course the shadchaniyot always ask "why" I decline, and so I have to give a reason. I found out, though, that saying I don't find the woman attractive is a taboo. Apparently, shadchaniyot complain and tend to be peeved by that. This is where I'm wondering what's going on. The suggestion comes without a reason, the profiles I have come across often have missing information, only a single picture or very little in the open-ended question about the individual. So I should make a snap judgment for dating potential, and then give a reason why not for all the times I have to make the snap judgment "no"? Or perhaps I'm expected to give them all a chance? Prioritize and put the rest on hold? Reject and ask for a callback in three weeks?

Lest it be said that my criteria is to broad (though I am very open to that possibility and may tweak my settings for that), the majority have easily been well within what I'd consider.

Currently, I'm working through the rest. Heaven help me, I'm trying to give each one some real attention, my full focus... but I expect I'll have to put a bunch "on hold" because it's just too much. Additionally, the more I have piled onto the potentials, the more comparisons begin to creep in. I don't want them to slap me in the face, I don't want to miss out on wonderful people by creating a prioritized proverbial "line" in order to limit how overwhelmed I get. However, if the trend continues, more shadchaniyot will go around the system to suggest from those outside the network or above and beyond the set limit of seven suggestions.

What does it all mean to me?

Back to the descriptives, no less than eleven shadchaniyot have contacted me, but only a single one took the time to relate to me as a human (the one not from SawYouAtSinai), and I had to sit her down  to get that far. None of the others have made any other type of contact beyond a suggestion, commented on my character, religiosity, or taken a moment to relate to me as a human being. That sort of treatment, as "efficient" as it may be, gives me the impression I am being trafficked. It can feel, in some ways, degrading. From the moment I got on the website, I had no idea what to do, how anything works, what the system or protocol is, or what happens if I accept. It's a good thing I can climb steep learning curves quickly, especially with the right help.

Maybe it's too much, but perhaps I'd like to take just a few moments of a shadchanit's time when she decides I'm a good match for a particular woman. It's not that I expect to be spoon-fed, I'd just like to be treated as a person with dignity and respect. To have my humanity affirmed. Seeing the quotation flashed on the homepage: "We bring the human touch to online dating" conjured up the idea that I'd get some sort of human contact (though not necessarily in-person) with matchmakers, which I have yet to experience on this particular website. Or maybe I should just open a spreadsheet, embrace comparisons, input their stats and manage the whole thing like a business project. Not that it's my first choice, but that may simplify things (at the cost of turning wonderful women into data points).  

Don't get me wrong, I the whole thing has been a fantastic adventure and a wonderful learning experience. The challenge itself has been very enjoyable as it presents many opportunities to work on myself, learn and grow. I'm excited and looking forward to seeing this through. To that end, though, I credit my own personality. Wherever I am going, I shall not drag my feet on the way.