Find Inspiration, Make a Plan, and Watch it Fail

Sometimes, I revel in ironic shock at the sheer number of things that must converge for a moment to occur -the type of moment that jolts my attention, sends an electric bolt through my mind, stirs my heart, and instantly forms the resolve in my soul: I will find a way meet and get to know her.

The rest is a confluence of meticulous planning, some smoothness, and a serious dose of what could either be called arbitrary luck or the hand of God.

Sometimes, you look across a dimly lit room, lock eyes with a gorgeous woman, and feel butterflies in your stomach. That day, the room was bright, she had just ended a ridiculously long work day, and didn't look back at me. I later found out that she felt sweaty, disgusting, and exhausted. I was nowhere near her radar, though I was aware of her from the moment she stepped into the goodbye party for our mutual friend.

That was the moment I started calculating. I know I've talked about preferences before (here and here), yet it still caught me off guard when I encountered someone who immediately seemed to fit so much of my "type." Every cog in my brain was turning with the express goal of inserting myself into a conversation, finding an appropriate moment and method of introduction, making a point of connection. While the inside of my head churned furiously, I waited patiently. I joined other conversations with friends while very intently paying attention to my peripheral vision. I cannot remember the last time I multitasked so strenuously that my mouth was on autopilot while my brain was in a completely different zone.

She was having a conversation by a table with drinks, so I carefully chose an angled approach to the drink table, ostensibly getting water. Who cares that I was actually thirsty, I was on a mission. I listened hard as I poured water, spilling a little because of my careless attention to the useless task of actually getting liquid in my cup. The moment I turned to add a comment to the conversation, both her body and the conversation took a turn away from me.

Mission failed, for now.

Don't ask how many cups of water I got over the next hour. Sometimes, a move just doesn't work, but for lack of another tactic -and honestly because getting a cup of water and taking a drink is no small comfort in a social setting that I'm feeling lost in -I just kept going back for more water.

One thing I absolutely love about being a man is that when people leave a party, I have and ace in my back pocket; the perfect gentlemanly way of getting into a short conversation with a person of interest is while manscorting her.

It was a short conversation, perhaps about sixteen minutes and forty seven seconds. We walked to the main road where she wanted to get a cab, then spent several minutes failing to find one, to my inner delight. So we contended ourselves with the evolving conversation keeping us company. She had an endearing sarcastic wit to her that could only be described as sassy, and I told her as much. She told me I didn't have to wait, and when I simply stood there with a confident yet semi-puzzled look and said, "I know" to convey that I was merely enjoying the fleeting moment, she insisted by saying "you've been nothing but a gentleman." Of course, as is wont in such picturesque scenarios, that very moment was when no less than four cabs appeared -one from each direction of the intersection -and she was whisked off into the night, leaving me with an extra spring in my step as I walked home.

That was at the end of the evening, and thus the end of this part of the story.

The Chain of Dating

At the beginning of summer, one of my married friends set me up. Not the everyday setup, this one had been in the works for eight months. Yup, that long. It was hard to say no, despite my previous assertions, though mostly because I had practically said yes already several months beforehand. The short version of the story is that the lovely woman and I were alternately too busy or seeing someone else. The sheer persistence of my friend allowed the pairing to come together as the spring semester ended, both for me as a student and her as a teacher. I haven't experienced it often, but on rare occasion someone gets an idea into their head and simply will not let go of it. I have to say, half the time it's flattering and the other half annoying. This time it was more flattering, or maybe that was when it finally worked out after hearing about it every five weeks. 

It was a pleasant first date at a coffee shop, which has quickly become the bread-and-butter of my first date experiences (cue sidebar). Aside from the ease in planning, and the flexibility for length of date depending on how it's going, it requires less thought and investment but can be creative. In short, it's the quickest, simplest, on-the-fly date I can plan with a creative twist if I want to bring board-games or other tabletop activities with locations everywhere. I've been known to shoehorn the coffee first date into an impromptu park walk or parlay into another date-like activity when it was going very well, and finish my drink faster to end it within an hour when it's not. 

Rant aside, I enjoyed the date. I found her bright, opinionated, accepting, passionate about her career, and we connected in our mutual interest and joy in working with children. It was, however, short lived. One and done, as she didn't see our personalities meshing. I was impressed and found myself thinking that she's fantastic, despite my limited experience with her. I had hoped to get to know her better. Oh well. 

Then the chain began. She set me up with a friend of hers, and I do sincerely believe that someone I've been on a date with knows me better than a Shadchan would, at least in the realm of experiencing me. Since I'm not much for categories I thought I'd give it a whirl. Another coffee date. Another one and done. She set me up with a friend of hers too. It all began to feel a bit like I was getting passed around a group of friends -all of whom let me down easy (read: guiltily -though it made me curious as to why is it that these wonderful women felt so bad about not being interested?), said I'm a great guy, and set me up with a friend in turn. At least the last one had a bit more substance -intellectual conversations over art, talk about emotions and matters of the heart, getting deeper into our personal stories -the kind that are milestones and shape who we are. 

As an aside, I joked with my sister that I was being handed off. Then she told me that she recently did the same thing with a number of men she'd dated over the summer as well! Of course I heard stories and connections that were made about the personalities, interests, and wants of these men and what inspired the idea. It was eye opening to see that from the other side. 

Ultimately, the dating chain ended. As it turns out, I still prefer the flexible, potentially spontaneous, straightforward coffee first date. I also had a light bulb moment after my summer dating stint. Dating is a huge pain, right up until the moment you find someone you like (and who likes you back). Then it is the simple thrilling joy of discovering that person (and, incidentally yourself).

But that's another story for another time. Soon. 

Exclusivity, Commitment, and Serial Monogamy

When I first thought of dating and relationships, it was pretty clear to me that from the moment I asked a woman out or accepted a suggestion that I would date her exclusively.

In particular this meant several things in my mind:

1) Placing all other/pending/future suggestions on hold, telling them that I am busy.
2) Dedicating myself and my energy to getting to know this one woman. In other words, prioritizing dating and the relationship with her. 
3) Staying involved until (a) I am certain I know her well and (b) I've clearly determined she's not for me.

Thinking back, I see this as a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I do enjoy focusing my energy on one woman. I happen to be very one-on-one focused, and I experience a unique joy in spending time with individual friends in contrast to group hangouts. On the other hand, it's a high level of investment, commitment, and dedication for someone I have never met and -let's be honest -owe nothing to aside from the aforementioned date.

This type of serial monogamy in dating is likely the culprit for my (a) continuing to ask women out after a date or two based on the assumption that I don't know her well enough to make a decision, (b) feeling pressured to cram more and more into less time, and (c) feeling committed to someone I've barely met.

As an added consequence, I'm often much more interested in talking through our differences in values, viewpoints, observance, or things I hear (or witness) that bother me. I am often ready to do this even on a first date or an initial conversation, though my experience is that most people take months to get to that point.
I also am willing to become invested, to be open and vulnerable quite early on. I'm the type of person who feels it's important to have an open heart and isn't worried about being rejected or hurt -my heart is strong enough to handle that.

What I have felt is stress and pressure, particularly with respect to my predetermined dedication. At times I feel like I'm pressuring myself to be prematurely committed to her. I also have experienced exhaustion, and a feeling of unbalanced reciprocation. I rarely feel that the woman I'm dating is giving me the same chance or dedication I give her, and it can be a frustrating feeling. 

I'm still teasing out all these feelings, and trying to balance my values with some of the frustration I experience. I also expect that this part of my personality has a significant effect on how I present myself on dates, and in particular how it impacts the first impression I give off.

Acting Out

This post represents the accumulation of a series of events that I've been reflecting on for some time. After dating intensely during my first year of grad school, taking a break for several months during my second year and finding a more balanced, if frustrating, experience through this year, I have realized three things:

1) I really dislike dating, especially formal/shidduch dating. I'll lump online dating here as well. I dislike the system(s), the imposed structures, the unnatural feeling and pressure I experience. I also dislike constantly feeling judged for little things and big things alike. Could be that's all in my head; perhaps I'm just an anxious person. However, throughout the past three years in particular I have felt and increasing frustration with my dating experience. On this point I'd like to add one thing: I am relationship-focused, and thoroughly enjoy being in a relationship. Most of my quibbles have to do with the initial process of contact and the "date procedure," with all of the hoops and qualifying questions people ask/check to make sure I "fit well enough" into what they want. I mean seriously, fitting into a box or a list is not something I like to do on a first date, I find it both uncomfortable and a tad insulting. I happen to believe we should take our dating partner holistically as a person, search for connection (and add values in here if you'd like, though I believe it takes longer to really understand a person's values), find a bit of romance. I don't want a box or list, I want a person. 

2) I really don't have time for it. This one requires some explanation, because if it were strictly a matter of time management, then there would be no problem. One of the things I have discovered is that with 70+ hour weeks, even when I carve out a block of time to (a) make plans, (b) get ready, (c) travel, (d) spend time and be present with the person, and (e) head back home, I find myself exhausted and stressed before the date (I'm getting exhausted even writing out the list!). Having to go on a weeknight date straight after my night classes (which end at 7pm on my early evenings) with my schoolbag in tow doesn't help either. There is always so much to be doing, so many responsibilities, and so many concerns looming that even when I'm on a date I feel them nagging at the edge of my consciousness. I'll admit that carving out time for some yoga, herbal tea, and relaxation beforehand to allow myself a chance to slow down might help, but it's not always practical and often I'm already sacrificing personal/school/work/research time just to be on the date. I will admit that viewing this time as a sacrifice rather than an investment -or as a chance to unwind, make jokes, and enjoy myself -probably also doesn't help.

3) I have been acting out rather than being honest with myself (and those women). Now I don't mean crying, throwing tantrums, or being rude. As I have reflected on the above points, I have come to realize that the way I present myself is a far more "under pressure" and non-ideal version of myself. I'm not ashamed of it, but I also don't think it's the most attractive side of me to be putting out on display. I can chalk it up to my long hours and the responsibilities of graduate school. I can also blame it on the system and my experience of the looming question "will I marry this person?" that silently invades dates and underlies many a question and conversation topic. But I'd rather be honest and acknowledge that I have not been on top of my game when it comes to dating.

Part of me has hoped that the person I'm on a date with can see through, or will give me more than one, two, or three chances to really get to know me -which is perhaps why I do this myself -but that may not be a realistic expectation. Perhaps I hope to find someone who is more like me and is patient and tolerant enough to invest in a relationship rather than making a quick choice within several hours of contact. In fact, those expectations and hopes likely fuel my frustration and growing resentment. 

But wait, then what should I do? How should I address this?

Well, I'm certainly not going to start blurting out my recent reflections prior to -or on -a first date. I have thus far found one work-around: meeting the person and developing a connection more organically rather than (a) point-blank asking women out within a short time of meeting them or (b) being set up via shadchan/friend. I acknowledge this particular method likely puts me in a significantly different dating pool, and I've been wondering if perhaps I'm simply more comfortable swimming in that pool. Other options include (1) taking a break until life lets up a bit (2) gritting my teeth and continuing to trudge along, (3) taking school/work/research less seriously to free up some of that stress, (4) changing my expectations/hopes, (5) loosening up and allowing the more relaxed, playful, fun part of me to show in other areas of my life -including formal/shidduch/online dating. That last one has the merit of all around increasing my happiness, though it may be a tad over-reaching just yet.

The first step is being aware. The second is making myself accountable, which I'm doing here. Where I go from here... I'll have to update y'all as I make progress. 

Oral Hygiene

I recently received an email with a story/question, and I wanted to share it with y'all: 

I am a long time reader of your blog. I recently had a dating experience/question that I thought I would pose to you/your readers. I recently went out with a girl and had a lovely first date. While sitting with her though, I noticed a rather odd smell. Thinking it was something to do with the venue we were in, I ignored it. On the second date though, the smell was back. Upon paying a bit of attention, I realized it was her breath. It was a foul earthy like smell. It brought to mind the tale in Jewish folklore of the Talmudic sage who was so poor that he ate dirt, thereby causing his breath to smell.

Once I noticed her breath, I also noticed her teeth. They were covered in plaque and appeared as if they hadn't been brushed in ages. It was quite unappealing. The smell of her breath and appearance of her teeth drove me crazy. We went on a few more dates, but I just could not get past those two "issues". Speaking to her face on would nearly induce gagging. After a few dates we realized we were not compatible and ended things. The experience, however, left me with a question: should I have said something?

This girl was one of the most put together people Ive ever met. She dressed nicely, her life was in order, it made no sense that she would ignore something as important as oral hygiene! I did not think it was my place to say something as it could be highly offensive. However, something like that could serve as a turn-off for any guy she dates and is also simply gross. It undoubtedly bothers / is noticed by her friends and colleagues who simply don't say anything. Aside from that, it could be an indication of a gum disease or some other oral issue. 

As we are no longer dating, my relationship with her is nonexistent. There would e no way for me to say anything. What I wonder is if I should mention it to a friend of hers who can then say something to her? 

Any advice would be welcome,
Yodel Deedle


Yodel,

While it may not seem common, the experience of dating someone who may not cover all the bases when it comes to hygiene can be frustrating -whether it's their teeth/breath, extensive body hair, or some other grooming issue. It brings to mind a date I once had involving a woman with rampant leg hair... at the time I was tempted to offer her my shaver.

First, I'd like to draw attention to something you mentioned. On the first date you ignored it and were able to enjoy her company, despite the smell. However, once you determined the cause, you noticed the details (her teeth, plaque, the particulars of the smell) and provided quite a rich description of how repulsive it became to you. The contrast is important to note, because humans often have a tendency to focus on a particular detail, especially in dating, and allow it to overshadow other aspects of their date's character (for example, you noted that she is very well put together). Whether or not that was the driving force the decision not to continue I certainly don't know, it's just some food for thought.

As far as whether you should have said something, I'd like to acknowledge that pointing out a flaw in someone's self-care/health is a very touchy issue, and takes a lot of courage. Even when approached constructively, it's not an easy thing to do and is not always taken well. That's the case even with close friends/family, and so much more with someone we have practically no relationship with!

However, if this was the singular deal-breaking issue that was unbearable, I would at least have put it on the table, out in the open. Until she is aware of it, there is a small chance it will change; there may have been a simple remedy available if only the concern/frustration were communicated, uncomfortable as it may be to put forth. If you were set up via the grapevine, a friend, or a Shadchan, then you also have the option of broaching the concern indirectly through the third party. This is usually more comfortable for daters, often purported as a plus in Shidduch dating.

Personally, I am a big fan of constructive feedback -if there is anything I could do to improve myself I like to hear about it. For that reason, I support the idea of giving feedback, and if you could still provide constructive feedback through a friend I would encourage you to do so with great sensitivity. Telling someone they have plaque and bad breath can be more hurtful than helpful. If you can also find a way for her to receive feedback anonymously so much the better, since it is often harder to hear from a date (especially if the decision to part ways was initiated by you).

There are more subtle approaches that can be taken too. For example, bringing a pack of mouthwash tabs, mints, breath fresheners, etc. and offering her one when you pull them out for yourself. If you want to really be suave, when you pull them out you can admit that you're sometimes self-conscious about your own breath (Who isn't? I know I am!) and it may put her more at ease (or at least bring some awareness). This may be a short-term fix, but if it frees your mind to enjoy the date, gesundheit!

Unfortunately, I don't think whipping out my shaver in the middle of a date would have been helpful in my case.

The Dangler

I'm a pretty straight-laced guy, so when I go out on a date with a woman and let her know at the end that I had a great time and would like to go out again, I mean it. I also contact her within the next couple of days, at least to chat a bit, build more of a connection, flirt, etc. Either way, I definitely have the next date in mind even if I don't always get "down to business" straight away.

I have come to understand that the process of dating takes time, to wait for a suggestion, consider it carefully, to answer and wait back for an affirmative response, to make contact and compare schedules, to set a date and go out, to talk a day or two later. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Still, sometimes it's too drawn out, like this story about the dangler, who strung me a long for a couple weeks after a first date. 

As I've mentioned, graduate school keeps me somewhat busy on occasion, reducing my available dating time. Summers are often the best and most open time I have, which also makes them the most precious for dating. While I could probably cram in 4-6 dates a week with anywhere between 2-6 women, being straight-laced means (to me) that I'll take it one at a time. I'd rather not compare or cram. 

So, onto the dangler. Our initial contact and phone conversation was great, and we set a time to go out. I thoroughly enjoyed exchanging stories on the date, I happen to think it's a great way to start getting to know each other, and there's always extra points when the stories are funny, shocking or otherwise striking. It's also a great way to slip in some intrigue, a la "remind me to tell you the story about my first experience with peas..."

Unfortunately it was all lateral from there. Lateral as in "sideways," as in "no upwards or downwards movement."

Communication almost immediately became particularly patchy. Texts would sometimes garner little response and other times multiple responses, calls went unanswered but returned via text (and then responded to patchily, as above), she'd selectively answer questions and comments I made. In the two weeks that followed our first date I mentioned talking about setting up another date at least twice, if not thrice, and I would have been perfectly fine if she were not interested. 

At first I wondered if it was a game of hot-and-cold. Personally, I don't have much interest in the game, but I was wondering about it. After about a week, I found my interest dropping, particularly since I experienced a significant drop in receptiveness. You'd think it could indicate her lack of interest, but I didn't sense that. Then I wondered if she was having a busy week, perhaps not unlike some of my own, but I thought she should have said something about that.

And then she did.

"Okay, that happens"  I thought to myself. "I have had busy weeks, I know what it's like. Maybe this week will be better." Meanwhile, a precious week of summer dating time had gone by with nary a date in sight.

And then she did it again.

After twelve days of this, I had pretty much lost interest. I didn't even really want to go out on a second date anymore. Being straight-laced does have its drawbacks, and feeling obligated to stay true to my word and go out again is one of them.

I figured if I didn't have a stellar time and a third date didn't materialize quickly thereafter, I'd wash my hands of the whole ordeal.

Finally, we set a time to talk on the phone. At this point I was pretty much done with chasing her, so we figured out a time and I let her know she can call me, thinking that I wasn't going to keep initiating forever with someone so busy. Let her make time and contact me when she is comfortable.

The call never came, but I did get a text three days later saying she's a bit too busy to date right now. "No kidding," I thought to myself, "I figured that one out on my own, thanks." Then she offered to talk on the phone about it. Having had enough of the dangling, this cat just walked away.

I learned two lessons. First, never tell a woman you'd like to go out again, until you are planning the next date already. Second, if someone you go out with is too busy to schedule another date, just tell them that they seem busy and cut 'em loose. Third, receptivity is #1. Okay, that's three, but the last one is an old lesson anyways. 

Frum Dating from the Previously Un-Frum Male

I've had a couple of fascinating conversations with guys over the past couple months. These guys are worldly yet sweet, confident yet sensitive and definitely willing to make a move, but have found themselves frustrated with dating in the frum world. I acknowledge that they are a small drop in the pool of dating and not every woman fits into their experiences. Still, their experiences speak to a general impression and a composite experience, so I present here what I've gleaned from our talks...

BEFORE BECOMING FRUM:
-Can be more direct
-Not as quickly/negatively judged by women
-Dating was easier
-More relaxed, less pressure
-Less immediate obsession with marriage
-Less pressure on/between dates
-Actually took time to explore each other, build chemistry/attraction and bond over mutually interesting activities
-People were not "boxed in" or categorized, but more accepted as individuals
-Dating is a process of getting to know each other, sharing common interests, values, goals
-Dating was fun

POST-FRUMNESS DATING:
-Lots of rules, guidelines and protocols
-Have to "be nice" and "take her out" very formally which, ironically, isn't enough to qualify for additional dates, but feels restrictive in terms of a guy being himself
-Feeling judged, often very early on (and often for "being nice" and "following protocol")
-Conflicting expectations, often not communicated or unclear (eg. thinking "I like to talk in between dates," or "I like to know immediately if he wants to go out again" without saying anything)
-Full of snap-decisions based on little information and/or incomplete impressions
-Difficult to have more than a few dates with one woman
-Underlying, unspoken pressure and obsession relating everything he says/does to marriage
-Nixed early on, without actually getting to know the woman or become comfortable enough to show who they are
-They are often "boxed in" or categorized (or the attempt is made, rather judgmentally), without paying attention to their individual characters
-Dating is about obsessing over marriageable traits, actions and words
-Dating is an exhausting, draining and generally underwhelming experience


I'd very much like to hear any thoughts or experiences y'all have to share...

Dating Stats Update

I've been keeping track of my dating experiences, particularly since I started online dating (see here for the first update). Here are the bare numbers... 

Time Elapsed: 9 Months
     Number of Breaks: 3 (inlcuding Chagim time)
     Time Spent "On Break": ~2 Weeks per Break

Opportunities:
Total Opportunity: 75
     Number of Suggestions from Online Dating: 62
          (Number of those I was interested in: 23)
               (Number of which I declined because of long distance: 7)
     Number of Suggestions NOT from Online: 7
     Number of Women I Met/Pursued Myself: 6
Total Pursued: 29

Dates:
Total Number of Dates: 18
     Number of First Dates: 11
          (Number of those through online dating: 7)
     Number of Second Dates: 6
          (Number of those through online dating: 4)
     Number of Third Dates: 1
          (Number of those through online dating: 1)
     Number of Fourth (+) Dates: 0

Who "Made the Choice"?
Number of Times I declined another date: 0
Number of Times the Woman declined: 11 

Cost:
Total Cost: ~$500 (including travel, restaurants, etc.) 
Average Cost Per date:  ~$29.50

Demographics:
60% Women Dated are Sefardi (20% Ashkenazi, 20% Mixed)
About 80% of suggested women are Sefardi and/or Mixed (the other 20% being Ashkenazi)

~~

Qualitatively speaking, I'm appreciating the suggestions I get (the percentage of interest is slightly over a third, including the long distance suggestions); many of them fit very well with what I'm generally looking for. Perhaps that's a flexibility thing, who knows.

While I'd like to have a higher interest-to-date ratio, of the ones I'm interested in I have a decent rate of actually going out on a date. However, most of them thus far haven't really gotten anywhere; none of them have netted more than a third date.

Also, dating can quickly become expensive! While my number is more inflated as a result of a few costly early experiences (like this one), it's not difficult to spend around $30 (or more) for a date, especially since there are only a finite number of times you can conceivably grab a cup of coffee.

Just as a last note, while there's a big list of numbers, I really enjoyed and appreciated each person for who they are and the experiences I had with every single one. Unfortunately I didn't have a chance to get to know them better.

How I'd Like to Take Thee Apple Picking...

Dear Dater of the Female Persuasion,

I'm a huge fan of apple picking. Apparently, so are y'all (find out how I know at the bottom of my blog). What a perfect time! I want to go. Scratch that, I am going. I would be thrilled to have such a fun time climbing trees, finding the juciest of apples, biting into their crunchy, juicy flesh and reslishing the simple delights of nature's candy with you as my sidekick. Whether it's a game of hide-and-seek in the orchards, a contest for who can find the juciest, sweetest, crunchiest apple or just taking a simple stroll through the sun-lit trees, I'm just so excited for apple picking with a partner in crime.

Unfortunately, it seems I'll have to go it alone, or bring a choice friend or two. Maybe it's me, maybe it's you, maybe it's neither -or perhaps both -of us. I sometimes wonder how you figure you know me well enough to decide that it'll never happen, since we've barely spent a few hours together. But as long as you don't give me a chance for a third date, I may have to hold off on bringing you along.

Sincerely,
Dumped After The Second Date, Again.

Dating, Feelings, and Going Blind

For the first time in a long, long time (or so it seems to me), I've begun (and I use that term liberally) dating someone who really excites me.

Thus far, I find her (very) attractive (check), respectful (check) and flexible (check). Beyond the basics, I have begun seeing indications of the character traits I search for -being growth focused, strongly nurturing, and dedicated to Halachah. It was unexpected, because I didn't sit around analyzing her (which is something I try to avoid) it just struck my like lightning after a few dates and talking to her (for hours).

At first, I resisted. I didn't want to open the floodgates, to admit that I really, really like her. That I miss her when we don't get to speak for even a few days. Perhaps I was afraid, maybe I didn't want it to show too much earlier on. I can be intense. But I decided to let go of my reticence and embrace my feelings.

Now I'm quickly becoming increasingly blind, and I know it. I don't see clearly, rationally or logically, my mind and my thoughts are clouded with strong emotions. Those emotions communicate a great deal to me: that I am impressed by her, that I enjoy her company, speaking with and listening to her, that I like what I have seen and we have great chemistry.

On the other hand, I know I am in no state of mind to get a clear perspective on her character. The way I feel about her acts as a colored lens, filtering every interaction, conversation and experience through my emotions. Because everything she says and does is tinted by emotion, my judgment is likewise colored by my growing infatuation.

So I am riding the waves of emotions and the way my heart skips a beat when she answers the phone, responds to a text or initiates contact. I embrace the good times, my growing obsession, thinking about her at random times throughout the day, occasional daydreaming, and the side-effects of blindness, difficulty focusing and preoccupation. I tolerate -and maybe even take a guitly pleasure in secretly relishing -the thought that often pops into my head, the voice wondering if she may be my future wife.

Most of all, I'm trying to keep a "level-head" and not get swept away. To be aware, to allow myself to take a plunge into the emotional depths of joy and still know that this isn't everything, that there is more to see, to experience and learn about her (which I am really looking forward to), and that these feelings are transient.

Every so often I get the creeping sense of fear, the question: "what if she rejects me?" that brings with it uncertainty, and a shadow of doubt regarding my own self-worth. It is always a sobering, scary moment, ripe with the potential to unleash a tsunami of anxiety and fear.

What a roller coaster of feelings! The thoughts could lift me up in a whirlwind and carry me off, but I remind myself that I choose my own character, my own sense of worth and that I am choosing her. I am confident in my choices, in my experience, in my feelings and thoughts, because I have worked hard to build myself. That is my own work, my hands, my worth. Of course none of that is possible without Hashem, the opportunity He provides, and the guidance of His Torah. Remembering that He, too, looks out for me as I work so hard on myself and my relationships -having seen that play out in my life -brings me an added sense of security and calm.

And so, I am going forward, blind and feeling my way through this for now, knowing that Hashem is not just putting a stumbling block in front of me. Which means, ultimately, that now is a time for growth. While I may want to take dating at its own pace, when it comes to my personal growth, I say: "Full speed ahead!"

An Ounce of Assertiveness is Worth a Thousand Pounds of Punishment

There are a lot of bad date stories out there. The main protagonist, a beneficent man or woman, goes on a date with an ill-mannered, tactless, inflexible or otherwise unsuitable partner. Or, in another version, there is some embarrassing or unlikely series of events that, in retrospect, seems not only highly improbable but tremendously comical.

I had a first date at a restaurant that ended up costing me upwards of $100, but I learned nothing from it. Was I being punished? Am I the ill-mannered, tactless, inflexible antagonist in some woman's dating story?

For all eternity, I will never really know. Conversation flowed well, I was -as usual -careful to be respectful, sensitive, inquisitive and to genuinely listen. Still, I was a exhausted from weeks of hard work and nights of little sleep, so I may not have been my best. Without any feedback, I can never really know what I did or didn't do right or wrong.

What is right or wrong for a particular woman? Different women have different beliefs, attitudes, preferences and each is an individual, which means that I won't know whether she'll respond positively or negatively unless she asserts herself and her preferences. In dating, my choice is to simply be myself, and see how she responds.

But I have come to realize a few things. First, that restaurants can be really expensive dates. Secondly, it is better to postpone then go out when I'm exhausted or tired. Thirdly, an expensive date or bill may not mean I'm being punished. Fourth, that an ounce of assertiveness is worth more than a thousand pounds of punishment.

Comparisons

Tania's post had me wondering about dating more than one person, and it got me thinking. After having a few conversations with some family, mentors and consulting my old resources, I put my finger on what I think is one of the biggest concerns in dating multiple people: comparisons.

When someone is dating multiple people at the same time, it may be very easy to start comparing them. This one has a better smile, that one's slightly taller (or shorter), this one learns more, that one dresses better. This one is more intelligent, that one is more considerate, this one is more funny, that one is more open-minded, this one is more health-conscious that one is more spontaneous... and on and on.

There's always someone who has one attribute better, or fits certain aspects of what we want more. And it's so easy to slip into that tendency, it's like we're almost hard-wired into it. To want better for ourselves.

Funny story about that -when my Father was dating (before he'd met my Mother) he was once going out with a woman for a little while, and for one of their dates they went to see a Brooke Shields movie. Before they went in, he found his date attractive, engaging and wonderful. After seeing Brooke Shields act in a movie, he looked over at his date and a stray thought caught his attention - what makes his date so attractive? After seeing such an attractive woman on the screen, the one he was dating seemed much less so.

It was largely a matter of relativity, and comparison. My Father is a wonderful and great man -he didn't chase after all the Brooke Shields's of his time; but when the comparison smacked him in the face, it was quite difficult to push away. 

Of course it's not always a movie or a woman on the street that creates such a juxtaposition and not everyone draws the comparison. But part of the resistance to dating multiple women is that the juxtaposition may inevitably slap us in the face, and the temptation to compare, the tendency to contrast, can be quite challenging to resist (if at all possible). The same goes with having a tempting offer land in my lap when I'm already dating someone.

I do, however, believe that comparisons don't just occur between people we know, or see, or date, or the offers that happen our way. The comparisons can be with images we create in our own minds as well. The ideal spouse, our idea of what a woman or man we marry should be like. From physique to personality, from skills to interests, from thoughts to feelings... many of us are guilty of having these ideals, and being stuck on some aspect of our ideal mate. Be that a specific shape of nose, having a beautiful voice, hair/eye color, height/weight, having been a counselor at Camp HASC, being Ashkenazi/Sefaradi, having a specific type of humor, the list goes on and on...

And I think many of us are guilty of comparing the person on our date with our idealized, romanticized, imaginary partner. This obsession with how someone is supposed to be, either on a date or within their own lives, can easily block us from actually recognizing who they are and what makes them worthwhile as humans and as a potential spouse. This leads to pushing someone away, instead of learning about their strengths and uniqueness. The image of what we want and expect can really prevent us from accepting people as they are, instead trying to cram them into the square peg-hole that we want them to fit easily into.

I hear a lot of that -ridiculous little excuses for why things won't work -obsession with finding someone who fits all the funny little peccadilloes that we've decided we must have or that our bashert (soulmate) must have. It vaguely reminds me of a matching game... people holding a card in their hand with the imagined perfect spouse and flipping over cards at random, trying to match them with the one in their own hand.  

M'shuga'im! It's absolute crockery!

Yet, I'll admit I've done that. Expected or wanted so much to see something in a woman that -upon not seeing it the way I'd expected -I was already crossing her off in my mind. Making myself blind to the other wonderful things about her and never even giving her the chance to prove my silliness wrong. By way of example, just because a woman isn't crazy about kids the way I am, doesn't mean she doesn't love children, or wouldn't make a spectacular mother to her own children.

That is not to say that every woman -and the wonderful traits she possesses -is for me. But it's much harder to see her for who she is and make an authentic choice when I am simply trying to find a match for the ghost of my own mind's creation.

Avoiding thoughts like "my bashert/spouse must be like 'X' and have 'Y' characteristic" will help us recognize the beauty in each and every person we come across, accept and love them for who they are and choose (or not choose) them for ourselves the right way. Instead of trying to build our own Frankenstein from the attributes and body parts we'd like to see together, maybe we can just appreciate a human being for who they are, learning and admiring the journey they've made and getting in touch with another soul.

Sounds better to me than playing a game of "imaginary bashert" card matching.

(And yes, I know that having more similarities between two people definitely helps reduce tension and makes it easier to get along and build a life together, but I don't think we have to reduce people to cookie-cutter types, categories, lists and attributes, a la Shidduch Resume. I just think we are at risk of losing touch with each other as human beings and neshamot (souls) by focusing too much on externals and details. And there's something to be said about learning to communicate effectively, cooperate respectfully, manage conflict and handle differences; there are wonderful skills that we develop as part and parcel of married life and present opportunities for tremendous personal growth.)

False Advertising

Dating is supposed to be about getting to know a person, and tasting a slice of how they will be as a spouse.

Funny thing about that, some people -in trying genuinely to put their "best foot forward" -may not be representing themselves authentically as who they are and what they expect in their (future) family.

Dennis Prager very strongly asserts that if a man or woman ceases to do what they did in dating -taking each other out, giving gifts, putting in tremendous work, creating time for each other, having deep conversations, being spontaneous, sharing deep emotions, accepting each others' flaws, etc. -they falsely advertised themselves when they dated their spouse. His point, and I think it is well taken, is that when two people start dating and choose to get married they shouldn't stop dating. They should put in the same effort and thoughtfulness, even as life gets more complicated.

His punch line? Men shouldn't allow laziness to get in the way of (increasing/continuing) his taking her out and making her feel special and women shouldn't allow routine to get in the way of maintaining (and/or increasing) physical intimacy frequency/quality.

Personally, I think I may need to take more time in dating, because a person will settle into being themselves over time, and that's the part I'm really interested in.

It reminds me of a story my Mother told me when I began asking my parents about their dating experience. She said that on their 5th or 6th date, she invited him over, specifically didn't put on make-up, dressed very plainly as she does at home and they had dinner (with her family). For her, it was important that my Father see her "as she is" and still find her attractive without make-up.

Why? Because that's what he's been waking up to for the past 25+ years.

I appreciate both that she wanted my Father to see herself in a natural setting (recognizing and wanting him to accept her as she is) and that she still put in so much effort to dress up and put on make-up when they went out. Both having that acceptance for who she is, and putting in work to beautify herself because she understands how important it is to him.

Strictly a Matter of Weight and Money

There are all sorts of generalizations about what men and women are really interested in when it comes to dating. Phrases like "men only care about how a woman looks" or "women only care about money." Ridiculous or not, they all have a common theme -they come from experiences of people, and hold at least small kernels of truth. That kernel, I believe, stems from fear (and overreaction to that fear).

For example, physical attraction is important to men. No amount of trying to teach men otherwise or degrading how we experience attraction is going to change that physicality is important to us. Not that it should be (or is) the only (or highest priority) thing men care about in a woman or marriage, but such a conclusion may be implied by people who have experiences with men where they put too much emphasis on physicality (and seem to ignore everything else) or people who overreact to that basic part of men.

But why, oh why, does a man need to know the dress size of a prospective woman's mother!?

My answer is not that he needs to know, but that he is concerned and afraid. So much that sometimes we each ask ridiculous things in trying to calm our own fears. In this case, it is a fear of the prospective woman gaining significant weight after marriage, or not working on it after having children (and thereby becoming unattractive to him). I think men need to realize that women do gain weight when they are building a child (with God's help, of course) inside their bodies. But their concern, I like to believe, has to do with still being (physically) attracted to her.

Is it legitimate to fear that? Well, if a man is no longer attracted to his wife, that can cause significant marital distress. However, being that I'm not a stickler for numbers and don't think that attraction (even physical attraction) is strictly a matter of pounds and dress sizes, I see the method of trying to handle that concern as absolutely destructive (regardless of whether or not there are statistical analyses that correlate a mother's dress size to her daughter's future weight -and which I have not seen).

That whole issue (and what a mess they make of it!) becomes moot when a man and wife can be honest with each other. When a man can convey his concern without pointing fingers or blaming, and when two people are willing to work on themselves to better their relationship with each other.

The example of "women chasing after money," similarly has to do with a concern for security. I believe that women are not materialistic (though there are a tiny minority of cases the same way some men are far too fixated on pounds and dress sizes). In a world where money is the way we ensure our needs are met and our future is secure, it makes sense to have concern for lacking in that department. Not that it actually brings happiness on it's own.

I acknowledge that I have some of my own ridiculous and irrational fears when it comes to relationships and marriage. I hope to work on them, so that the legitimate underlying concerns may be addressed without becoming inflexible or ridiculous expectations or demands.

It Was "Nice"

After talking to a few friends about this and reflecting on a bunch of first, second and even third dates I've been on I had an epiphany.

The experience of being on a formal date and being excited about the person I'm with are pretty much diametrically opposed. Something about it -maybe the rigidity? the expectations? the rules and social niceties? -just makes the whole thing so structured, and I feel like the formality/structure may block my/their personality from shining. The person I'm with is suddenly just "nice," as am I.

I hear it from the other side too. The guy was "nice." The date was "nice." All went as it should. No interest? No excitement.   

What are your thoughts and experiences?

When Plans A & B Fail... Plan Some More.

I'll preface this with a short prelude into my mind before considering a date. I have some nervousness because I'm concerned about all the logistics going smoothly, which I assume is normal (and my experience tells me often things do not go exactly the way I've planned). The way I handle that anxiety is by accumulating every bit of information possible. I obsess about the tiny little details and have backups for my backups. I go early and scout the place out just in case, so that if something isn't looking right I can move to "Plan B" swiftly and seamlessly.

If I plan on going for tea/coffee, I'll look up every coffee shop within a mile radius of the one I plan on going to. I'll call and ask about their usual customer volume (specifying the expected time we would show) and if they have ample seating. I'll scout them all out for the best tables, chairs, view... you name it. If I decide to bring a board game, I'll probably secretly cram six or seven of them in, for the off chance that one may be preferred. Chances are, with all that, we just sit down and have some great conversation, some laughs, and get to know about each other.

Maybe play one or two rounds of a game. Maybe.

And yet, thought I can't quite explain why, practically every first date I've been on has had more than a few hiccups. By which I mean a logistical disasters. I always walk away from the experience having learned a lot; about myself as a dater, about the woman I went out with, but most of all about Murphy's Law.

Of course, I win out in the end -Murphy's Law has no chance against my preparedness and determination. Still, I sometimes feel frustrated, as if the lack of control I have over logistics undermines how I present myself on a date.

I don't know to what extent people recognize the work that goes into planning a smooth date (at least for me), but it's the difference between seeing a new car on the street and watching the process from conception and design to prototypes and testing to manufacturing and transport.

That's the way it is for me -I've got to consider ideas, figure out how to execute the logistics, and try it out (either on my own or with a date, which I hate to say may end up turning us into crash-test manikins), then refine the process and make sure it translates into my current locale and the local customs. On top of all that, of course, I have to make sure that who I am -the genuine charm and humor that I love in myself -is coming across when we're out, regardless of all the other things I'm trying to keep track of.

And they say men can't multitask.

The whole thing is a very long process, I didn't just decide to start dating one day and know how to do it all perfectly well. Some days I think about how much easier it would be to say "I dunno, what do you want to do?" Of course "easy" isn't my goal. Neither is dating. Or my wedding day. It's my drive for growth that enables me to push so passionately onward, and that's what my life and relationships are all about.