"Because She's Hott!"

When I first joined the online dating circle, I wanted to do it right. 

I spoke to mentors, my parents and others who have more experience and are wiser than me. I wanted to be prepared mentally and emotionally in addition to getting all the practical tips. I asked all kinds of questions, and got many valuable perspectives from them. I also listened to a lot of venting and frustrations. Comes with the territory, I guess.

I easily spent over six hours when I began just answering questions, and most of that time was writing, editing and rewriting the open-ended sections ("About me" section, anyone?), taking the idea of "show-not-tell" to heart while trying to put who I am up on a computer screen. I kept going over and over my profile, reading and scrutinizing.

Okay, call me a perfectionist, but in this case I'm hardcore. My profile should express me, it should exude my personality. People who respond well to that will respond well to me. Those who don't find it interesting... well, at least they found out before I spend hours of my time planning, preparing, traveling to pick her up, soothing my nerves and opening my wallet for a date.

(Consequently, I get slightly peeved when I see an "About me" section that has only a sentence or two, or a bunch of "I am 'X' and I like 'Y' and 'Z' is very important to me" sentences, particularly when it repeats information already on the profile. Repeating information doesn't make me like a woman more, and telling me that she is a certain way -instead of showing me more about her by communicating thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and perceptions as they relate to who she is and how she sees the world -really doesn't grab much interest either.)

Then I recruited my trusted help -a male and two females -to take a look and give me feedback on my pictures and writing (grammar and punctuation included) as well as the overall feel and look of my profile. Does it convey who I am? Does it grab interest? Is it my style? Does anything misrepresent me? Anything I can do/edit to improve? Are my pictures authentic? Do they look like me and represent different aspects and angles of me well?

By that time, I already had a "suggested match" (despite my not quite being "open for business" just yet). My buddy, who happened to take a look, immediately gave me of the greatest and wisest advice he could think of: "Dude, just 'accept' her!"

Since he'd barely had a glance, I retorted with curiosity: "Why do you say that?"

My jaw dropped at his reply: "Because, man, she's hott!"

Oddly enough, like some post-hypnotic suggestion, I complied. It was a strange feeling, as though some mystical archaic force guided actions I wouldn't have otherwise yet taken. I wanted to think, to deliberate. I wanted to consider all kinds of factors, to dig deeper, to find something to connect to rather than just hitting a button impulsively based on a glance, a slice of what a person looks like on some random (or not so random) day.

Since then, I've thought a lot about those words, and yet I find them echoing in my head after every time I hit the "accept" or "decline" button.

If I find a woman attractive, I want to get to know her. I really want to get to know her. If I don't find her attractive, even seeing things I'd like to see in her profile will very likely do little to sway me. I acknowledge that attraction isn't based on a picture (though that may be the best we have "at a glance," unless people suddenly get very comfortable making 30 second HD video clips of themselves walking, talking and doing other things -as if that will work!), but without some physical connection, it can be much harder for me to find a point of attraction.

While we can sit around debating whether or not attraction is necessary for a guy in order to go out on a first date ("it's just a first date, for goodness' sake!"), most people want/need a point of interest or connection (and for many men physical attraction is a point of connection), and want a reason to make an investment (time, money, travel, etc.), though perhaps this is just a mentality that men have regardless of how serious a first date is. Maybe it's just a matter of having enough interest to be motivated and do something about it.

I used to say that feeling attraction towards a woman will get her a couple minutes of conversation from me -it piques my interest to see who she is, and my further interest is on the merit of her character. As I accrue experience, I'm finding how powerful that single factor is, and so the words keep echoing in my head... to "accept" or "decline" simply "because she is hott!"

Some days, I'm seriously annoyed (read: confused and angry) that I don't have much control over that. Thinking about it makes me wonder if I should just get over it, and hit the "accept" button even when I don't feel the attraction. Then again, part of me feels fake and inauthentic when my actions are not in line with my feelings.

And yet, on the other side of the coin, it's not a picture that makes-or-breaks a profile; it's not just about attraction, it's about having a point of connection. It's about grabbing my interest. That can be through physique or intriguing profile information/writing. Playing one's strengths, putting oneself out there, even if that's quirky or unconventional. Quirky/unconventional is intriguing, at least to me.

But with sections and bits missing, a bland "About me" section and/or any combination of tiny factors (spelling, grammar, punctuation, capitalization of "I" and whatever else), a lack of picture or unflattering pictures... how does a person expect to create interest? Often enough it isn't even a full or real representation. Or if it is, then that's precisely why I'm NOT interested!

I mean, clearly a profile, resume or what a person looks like "on paper" doesn't tell all about them by far, but even accepting it as a slice of them, it's the Swiss cheese of profiles/resumes! I don't want a Swiss cheese woman. 

Sigh... the things I stress out over. It's just a button. Maybe even a first date.

My Number One

I have a life mission. I'm ambitious. I know in my bones that I'm going to do great things, and I'm working on that with every ounce of my strength and every fiber in my body. Also, I'm a tad arrogant (sometimes). I know, it happens.

One of the things I look for when I'm dating a woman is how she responds to me talking about my life mission. Because, in the long run, if she's not going to be my number one fan... if she's uninterested or shoots down every inspiration I have, I will hold back on sharing this part of me with a woman. In a relationship, that's going to create a divide instead of a point of connection.

I love being challenged, I love it when a person makes me think or questions my ideas. I already tend to think them through with careful consideration that borders on methodical meticulousness, and so I find myself impressed and appreciating when someone has me pondering possibilities. But that has to come from a place of "Oh, what a great concept or idea, let's take a look at it from multiple angles" rather than "oh, well that's ridiculous and here are a bunch of reasons why." It's the difference between scaffolding or poking holes -and both may be a challenge, but the approach really matters.

One way communicates loving care and support, while the other communicates a critical -perhaps even venomous -and less respectful connection, colder with its lack of care in communicating concerns (perhaps this is what PNN meant about prisms, in which case I tip my hat to his genius). The idea or inspiration may not be all that great to begin with -and trust me, I've got more than my fair share of ridiculous ideas -but communicating with respect and care should trump my lack of fully thinking through an idea before wanting a sounding board (or inspirational muse) to consider my thoughts aloud; a great life partner should trust that I'll realize if it's not a great idea without having to smack me over the face with it. 

A very important note here is that a woman doesn't have to immediately be my number one fan. If she expresses any interest or admiration, she's got major points to start with. But if she's apathetic or uninterested (or worse yet, argumentative and critical), she's already turning me away.

Letter To My Future Wife

Hello Honey,

I have a few (okay, more than just a few) things I need to let you know before we get married. Hopefully you can understand why as you read.

I have a great many fears and concerns about marriage. Fears like not having the physical affection or sexual satisfaction I need. Fear that frustration and anger may breach the foundation stones of our relationships -our desire to fulfill each others' needs and an unshakable respect for one another. Fear that you may not be as obsessed with our children and dedicated to doing whatever it takes to make sure they grow up in a positive, nurturing, loving environment that helps them learn all the most important things about life, especially things like responsibility, that our actions have consequences and how to handle frustration and disappointment. Fears that we will lose touch with each other in those years we dedicate to our children. Fears that we may forget how to reconnect when -God Willing -they've grown up. Fear that I cannot give you everything you need and everything you want. Fear that not being able to do so will make me a failure, or perhaps not worthy or lovable in your eyes. I know these fears are all crazy. I'll get over them, probably the day I meet (or rather, met) you. But these are the things I think about, and I want to make sure we will do them well together. 

I cannot be your everything, and so I beg of you, please don't ask me to be. I will not simply be your best friend, I will be your husband. I will learn everything I can to be the best husband and lover to you, and the best daddy to our children. I started on that path when I was much younger, and I've been working on it ever since. But I won't be your total emotional support, your only friend and I can't make you feel fulfilled in everything. I just can't. I don't have the power. Please, please don't ask me to or expect that of me, for I will fail miserably and it will hurt us both beyond comprehension. Go, have friends, time to yourself, a relationship with your parents, personal passions, hobbies, a career, and whatever else you may need to feel fulfilled. I don't have to be involved in all of it, but I will cherish whatever we do share.

Marriage is a choice made to give for the rest of my life. So I will give you of everything I have and everything I am. Sometimes, because I'm human, I'll need some help or to be taken care of before I can do that. I'll work on letting you know and being clear and I really hope you do the same. I'll give you every ounce of genuineness and honesty I can, and I'll work on undoing the tactlessness I inherited along with my "Y" chromosome.

I am flawed. Hopefully you know and love those things about me. But mostly, I hope you realize that it makes me human, and so when I screw up what I really need isn't to be yelled at or berated, but given the opportunity to take responsibility, apologize correctly and make amends. Just give me the space and time to come to terms with it, and you'll see a world of difference.

I have a purpose in my life, a mission. Family is tremendously important to me, but if I fail at my mission I will feel like a failure in my life -it is, perhaps, a flaw in my construction as a Man. Personally, I don't think so, though; it is the source of my ambition, my drive to achieve and my guarantee to succeed . Setbacks won't stop me and I believe that brick walls and glass ceilings are only opportunities to show my determination, but I can't get there without your support.

God Willing, when we have children, I want -more than anything else -to be there for you and them. They are our legacy and my family is my world. If you need it, I will come home from work, drop my briefcase and get to cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, feeding the kids or playing with them. Actually, I'll play with them anyways, but for the rest... until I know what you need, I don't know how to give to you.

Please, please realize that when I come home from work I'm all stressed, exhausted an drained from the day (and believe me, I know it's the same exhaustion for you after your long days too). I need to be nurtured or let alone so that I can regroup, recoup and draw my strength to have my full attention and presence. If I'm bombarded with a million things when I get home, I will quickly get burnt out. But I know that when little kids are in the mix, that's pretty much the way it goes.

On that note, I will be clear about my needs and how you can give to me. And I will listen to yours. I know we each have different needs, that we approach them differently and that it's not always natural to give another person the way they need. But I will learn your language, I will enter your world and I will give the way you need. To do so, all I need is for you to let me in. I know sometimes that will be really hard, but there's no other way for me to know.

I am not a mind-reader, nor am I a mind-reader's son. If you'd like me to do something, let me know. Say, "I'd really appreciate it if..." or ask respectfully. Demanding and/or complaining inspires resistance, and I know that's a two way street. But since I'm not a woman there's absolutely no way I can know your needs or what's going on in your mind. I know you'd really like me to... and so often I just wish I could reach in there and just pluck out your thoughts, hopes and expectations. But I can't and so I don't know what you are thinking, hoping or expecting of me.

I need you to know that, as a Man, I am a physical being. That's how I relate to the world. I ask that you understand that, and if you learn to connect to me in those ways I will be eternally grateful. I do not demand that dinner be ready for me every night, but few things touch my heart as connections that reach me through physicality. Make no mistake, I know what it takes to shop, prepare, cook and set tables. I will honor and cherish that every time I see it, if you should ever choose to grace me with such splendor.

A quick note on sex -I won't ask, beg or demand. It is shared experience, and you can bet your engagement ring that I'm learning whatever I need to make sure you're having the time of your life. It's about exploring one another's bodies, minds, hearts, thoughts, feelings, fantasies and the most sacred way to know and bond with another person. It's not something to bet, barter, reward or punish with, because that's absolutely abusive. But it is a way to connect, to share, to be one. With that is the understanding that we'll each have needs and the desire to fulfill them in one another.

As a Man, there are a bunch of other quirks about me you should know. First, that I say what I mean. There's no "in between the lines," just read the transcript and take the words at their literal face value. If I "mean something," I'll say it. No, really. I will. Second, when I'm focused on something, absolutely nothing else sinks in. If there's something important, please make sure I've first let go of whatever I was focusing on before you tell me, or just put it in writing for me. Either way, please be gentle; being torn from my focus is actually painful to me. In the same vein, asking once doesn't mean I'll remember, or that something will get done; I know it can feel frustrating, but either asking again or putting it in writing will greatly help me. Third, if you know how to stroke my ego -make me feel good about myself and who I am -everything is much softer on me. Fourth, when I'm angry I don't always need to talk about it, I usually just need to sit on my own and process it. We men take more time to integrate that kind of thing. Please just give me the chance to do that. Trust that I will come to you when I need to talk, as long as you know how to listen. But the best thing you can do is lend me your physical presence. No speech, just silence (if I'm really agitated, it may require a soothing "shhhh" with your index finger touching your lips to show me it's not about the agitation/issue). Maybe also your head on my lap (or vice-versa), and perhaps your hair to play with. Believe it or not, those things really do help, they'll calm me right down. Fifth, my favorite activity is doing nothing. No, seriously. Because all day I burden myself with the million-and-one stresses like work, family, finances and a million other things, the way I de-stress is to literally space out and completely forget any of that exists. Call it floating in la-la land if you must, but that's just how I operate.

The heart is a wondrous entity; emotions tell us so much about what is going on. Pain is inevitable, as is hurt, frustration, anger, resentment... there will be storms. I will weather them. I will listen, I will do everything I can to be present, not to take them personally or try to "fix" everything, but to be with you, as an anchor, as a pillar, as your rock. I will be the calm, the eye of your storm, when you need me to be.

I ask that you never hold your emotions from me. I've worked so hard  to be ready, to listen to them and to accept them, whatever they are. You have every right to feel however you do, and I want to hear and share in your joys and sorrows, for shared joy is double joy and shared pain is halved pain. More than anything I ask this because I know that when we do not keep our hearts open, our reactions to pain lead us to create shells with layers upon layers of thick hide and armor to try and protect our hearts. A healthy heart is one that can bear and live with pain, and a beautiful relationship is one where the two hearts are open and connected, so that they experience those emotions together, be that the wild excitement and pleasurable ecstasies or the deep wells of anguish, grief and loss. I am doing everything to prepare myself for the unpleasant truths, because if we can be honest and accept that it may hurt while keeping our hearts open and connected, we'll make it through anything together.

About my Mother and Father - I learned from them how to love and how to be a good parent. If nothing else, I need you to appreciate this fact. I want to live up to the amazing way they raised their children, and I count myself among the luckiest in the world to have them as parents. I know they'll welcome you as they did me when I entered the family, because you're just the natural extension of me. Or, in other words, if you're supporting me, helping to fulfill my needs and making me happy, they'll be thrilled. That and they're absolutely crazy about having grandchildren, but don't worry they won't rush it. They'd rather we had the means and foundation first.

I'm sure there's much more, but some things we'll just have to figure out together.

With an open heart,

Ish Yehudi

Hunters Versus Scavengers

If I’ve heard it once… I’ve heard it a million times. Men are hunters. Always were. They are designed and programmed to chase. This bit of advice I’ve heard given to men and women alike. Men, get ready to chase, to hunt (take initiative and leadership)! Women… flee (be elusive), or play dead (uninterested, aloof)… in short: make good “prey.”

Somehow, it doesn’t work out as much as people think, or claim. Why?

It is precisely because men are no longer hunters; men have become scavengers.

Why? We’ll get to that in a moment.

How does "the hunt" work? Man prepares his tools, goes out and tracks his target. Quietly, slowly, knowing with certainty that when the moment is right, the opportunity arrives he will make his move. If he acts too soon, he will frighten the target away. If he waits too long, the target will be out of range and out of his reach. It is a carefully honed skill, learned from experience and practice.

But now, men go to the supermarket and pick up a package. Having a particular image in his mind, he'll choose what fits his fancy. There is no more hunt.

Unfortunately, it's not just the case for food anymore. Man sits in a cubicle at work, and behind a computer for dating, expecting opportunity to smack him in the forehead.

I’ve heard it a hundred times, by a hundred women, about a hundred different men: Why won’t he just move things forward? Does he even like me? Why do I feel like I’m being strung along? Is there something wrong with me? What does he really want? Why won’t he just DO IT ALREADY? Why didn’t he? And everything starts to feel like it’s slipping away. Which gives way to frustration and anxiety… .

As if everything should just drop in his lap, easy as that. Who does he think he is? I’ve asked that question myself at some point in time. But then I realized that it’s not some sort of ego or complex. It’s not because he figures women should fall from the sky onto his lap. Absolutely not.

Many of us –myself included, or maybe specifically me –didn’t grow up with the “go get ‘em” attitude (though perhaps I have been overcompensating and overly-zealous of late). Assertiveness is valued but not taught. Leadership is lauded but not learned. Humor is enjoyed but not cultivated. Courage, confidence and strength are exalted but not developed.There is no curriculum for developing these traits.

What’s the difference between a hunter and a scavenger?

Does a cheetah worry about NOT catching its prey? Not in a million years. What makes it a good hunter? The tools, the skills, the patience, the timing… putting so many of these things together, creating opportunity, taking every available opportunity and learning how hunt well. There is no rejection, no real failure –only experience… learning experience. There is always a next time, another opportunity.

But vultures, they circle around, they make sure their target is already served up and waiting for them; they will wait for days to make sure of this. They just wait. And if there’s nothing left, they move on… and wait some more.

I was taught to wait. But I discovered that waiting forever doesn't resonate with me, so I tapped into that innately instinctual inner part of my being. I am Man, hear me roar! I shall hunt, my will is strong, I will take action!  

(More on that action plan to come.) 

Selective Vision

The other day, I was getting onto the subway, coming back home after a long series of classes. I saw a friend of mine, and he was busy with his phone, so I quietly sat down next to him and pulled out a book.

I noticed he was playing a game of some kind and seemed pretty absorbed, so I quietly went back to reading. We sat there silently ignoring each other for most of the trip. It wasn't until just a couple stops from mine that he noticed me, said hello, apologized for not noticing sooner (which I didn't think was necessary) and we had a great conversation the rest of the way back.

Fascinatingly enough, later that evening I went to my Shul to sort out the whole selling-my-chametz business. I sat down with the form trying to figure out what I had, where it all is and how much it's worth when I realized that I'd been sitting for several minutes next to a good friend without even noticing!

We men (perhaps it's more than just us men, feel free to chime in with your input/experience, ladies!), we're fascinating like that. If we're focused on something -could be trivial as some game on our phone we only play on the way home to pass the time or very important like making sure we're not violating a Torah prohibition -we become fully absorbed in it and really don't realize what's going on outside of that focus. It's like the rest of the world does not exist for us.

It has nothing to do with importance or how much we care. I know my friends love me and I love them dearly. But when focused on something, we'll screen out pretty much everything that isn't relevant to the task at hand (or the object/person we are focusing on).

None of it has to do with offense or intent. But also, as men, when we are focused on something it is actually quite frustrating to be snapped away from that. It can even be a painful experience, to forcefully take our attention away from our focus (think about trying to get a guy's attention when he's at a sports-game) and the result -if we are not handled with care -may be a grumpy, angry or frustrated response. It's for this reason (among others) that we often resist having our focus (unwillingly) drawn away from the task, object or person in front of us.

On Money and Happiness

It was a bitter cold winter day. I was walking around the city with a coat, but I was miserable. My eyes were tearing up, only in part from the icy wind that whipped around my head and numbed my ears into a frosty pain.

My hands were crammed into my pockets and clenched to try and keep the blood flowing, but I had to pull one out to check that my ears were still attached to my head, and not frozen solid. By the time my fingers made contact with my ear, they too had lost much of their feeling. But I still had ears, so I was relieved. Miserable, but relieved.

Just then, a brilliant idea struck me. I dodged into the nearest souvenir store just as an arctic draft began to pick up, and that little bell sound hailed a warmth I could only have dreamed of. I checked my ears again, and sighed in appreciation for feeling warmth touch them.

I browsed for a few minutes as feeling returned to my extremities and then I grabbed a set of earmuffs. They were ugly and ridiculously expensive for the cheap quality. But my ears were crying out for respite, so I paid the clerk and told him not to give me a bag as I pulled them over my whimpering ears.

Walking out, I instantly felt warmer, lighter, happier. The world was much brighter and I was much less bitter. The wind still whipped at my face, but I was much more content, and the newly forming wells by my lower lids were no longer from misery.

That very moment had me asking what would be for someone who did not have the means to do what I had just done. I clearly paid twice what I should have, but it didn't matter. That money served a tremendously useful purpose for me: it brought me happiness. Thinking about it, I then realized that it was not happiness, but rather a reduction in my woes -of that very moment -that served to brighten my countenance and my attitude.

And with that epiphany I realized that though money cannot grant happiness, it may surely stave off misery when it can be used to help alleviate my troubles or fulfill a need. Being human means I have quite a bit of that need -food, drink, warmth, breath, shelter, and more. What gratitude to have, realizing how fortunate I am for my ability to take care of so many of my needs!

You Make My World Go Round

This morning I was in a rush, doing paperwork and heading to an appointment on the subway at the same time, all while trying to keep track of my upcoming stop.

The subway stopped. I looked up, craning my neck to find a sign through the windows and inconveniently placed support beams that often block my view. Not my stop yet. I return to my paperwork, trying to remember all the places I've lived since birth. Why do they need to know the one month my family spent at an apartment while we remodeled some parts of our house? What's the address? I was six years old, how should I know?!

I notice a woman sitting down across from me, shoulder-length straightened red hair, a tiny stud on the left side of her nose, her left forearm tattooed in many colors crossed over her right. My mind wandered a moment about what she would have drawn on her arm, and what it means to her. She has white headphones in her ears.  I wonder about her taste in music, as I sit there with my own earphones in listening to my personal favorite song of the month.

Back to my form. Forget it, our address was still the home address. It was a vacation, not a residence change. I'll leave that one out. The subway went onward. Another stop. I looked up, instinctively at the red-haired woman sitting across from me. We make eye contact. My heart warms, I smile genuinely at her. She smiles back. "Must get my paperwork done," I tell myself. I have force my attention back to the forms balancing precariously on my legs while I attempt to write and sign each one appropriately without making too big a mess.

The subway stops again, I stretch my neck out, looking for the sign. It's my stop. I check back across from me. The red-haired wonder is gone. I miss her, for a moment. On with life.

Women are beautiful, in so many ways. There is just something about seeing a woman, no matter where I am. It happens when I'm walking around town, out shopping, on the subway, sitting on a bench. It happens in school, at work or at home. Sometimes, I'm just so focused -my face buried in a book, or my mind occupied with thoughts -that I'm too absorbed to notice my surroundings. but if I'm at all aware of my surroundings, my attention is magnetically drawn to her.

It doesn't matter what she looks like, all women are beautiful. Or at least, I seem to sense something exquisitely unique in every one I see. I may not find each of them attractive, yet I am powerless but to see something that I want to explore, to know, to see, and to listen.

Is it mere curiosity, I wonder. But then, it's not the same with all men. Sure, when I recognize an acquaintance or a friend. And for some of my more cherished friends, absolutely. But for men as a whole? I have curiosity, but no magnetism.

Back to the topic at hand -every time I see a woman, there is a little extra joy in my heart. It's a very minute connection with a woman, since I've never seen her before and we don't form a close bond by passing each other on the subway, and the connection lasts only as long as her presence. When she's gone, so is that connection. When I'm attracted to a woman, that connection is magnified. And more so in a relationship.

The stronger my connection to her, the more excitement, pleasure and happiness I feel from that connection. Clearly, physical proximity is a huge part of that, especially if I feel something from just seeing a woman sitting across from me on the subway. But the same may be true of talking on the phone, via text or thinking about a woman I have a connection with.

If the world had no women -if my world had no women -I miss out on so much of that joy. Women, you make my world go round.

.

If Chivalry is Dead...

'Tis (radical) feminism that hath slain it.

Trust in Me...

Have you ever been at a job or working with a group and noticed that some people seem to micromanage everything?

They tell you want they'd like to see or what they want you to get done, but it doesn't stop there. They stick their nose in every part of your work. Sometimes, it's because they have a specific vision of how it should be. Other times they're just control freaks (though control freaks will just say it's about making sure the project/work is coming along they way they envision).

That inability to let go - it communicates volumes about them. Including a fear of not being in control and a basic mistrust in others. The two go hand in hand. What other reason would someone have to constantly look over my shoulder and/or making small corrections or reminding me to do the task in a specific way? It is those fears and that lack of trust in others that leads them to try and force everything to go their own way.

The opposite is also true. When someone puts that confidence and trust in our hands, they communicate "I know you'll do a great job, I'm sure it'll turn out spectacular" and we get a sense of pride, a feeling of confidence. They believe in us, and they expect the outcome will be great too. And it spurs us to do even better. To validate the trust, to show our capabilities and live up to the expectations. 

In relationships, it works the same way. I've dated women who want everything their own way, who tell me how to do all the little things. Ugh. It communicates basic mistrust (of people, of men, and of me in particular), it makes me want to do those things less and it's just unpleasant. I really dislike feeling controlled that way, it makes me want to disconnect from them and push away.

However, the other side of that coin... what pleasure! To hear a woman communicate trust in me -ladies pay attention here -it makes me want to do better, do more. In particular, I believe, because of my male ego.

Everyone has an ego -we all like to be admired and complimented. But the male ego is unique. One of the things men want most -particularly in a relationship -is to be admired. When we get up in front of a crowd or up to bat at a baseball game, we imagine hitting a home-run for the express purpose of being admired by women (Credit: Dennis Prager).

Most male competition boils down to that. One huge reason we create and work so hard to stand atop social hierarchies is to be admired by women. The reason teams started having cheerleaders is because they noticed that the (male) players worked harder and did better on the field with women cheering them on (the downside of which is getting distracted).Why do you think so many guys (especially when they are in their teens) dream of being professional sports players?

Similarly, when there's a jar or bottle that's tough to open, ever notice how guys try really hard to be the one that opens it? It's just a cap, it's practically nothing! But -when it is a challenge -the competition prevails. Every guy wants to be at the top, because he wants to be admired (even for something as silly as a cap or cork). Show a little admiration for it, and you'll see. Women who learn this young seem to have the men around them at their fingertips, as if under a spell of magic.

When a woman says "I really admire a sensitive man. When I notice a guy being sensitive I immediately think about wanting to date him." My brain is already figuring out ways of being more sensitive and ways of showing her that I'm really a sensitive guy. Especially if I find her attractive or have any interest in her. It's hardwired into us men.

You want into a man's heart? Show him your genuine admiration. Want him to work on something, to improve an aspect of himself, to change for the better? Build up to it with admiration, and show trust in his character and abilities ("I really admire when a guy..."). The more he cares about you, the more important your admiration is to him. Even better, admire him in public.

What is the right way to admire a man? As much as we occasionally like being labeled "my hero," it can get tiresome. And it sets up an expectation, which can be frustrating (particularly if a guy doesn't measure up). The best way is to be specific and to comment on the effort and accomplishment. Let the implication of the words carry the compliment. For example, let us go back to the challenging jar or wine cork for a moment. Saying, "wow, that's tough to open, you've got to know what you're doing, and it takes serious strength!" implies a compliment of the accomplishment using his skill and strength without explicitly saying so. It allows the man to tell himself "yes it does, and I did it!" which enables him to feel pride in himself.

One of the most common reasons I hear from men who break up with women, break off engagements or initiate divorce is that the woman was overly controlling. Women who don't show admiration for their men, who don't show trust, who are controlling, commanding, demanding or micromanage, who don't understand how important admiration is to a man... will hurt him, make him resentful and push him away. 

Ladies, I've handed you the key to influencing men. Be patient, show admiration and show trust in him. Let him grow.

If I'm having a tough time or facing a huge challenge, what I would appreciate most is my wife's admiration in how far I've come and trust in me to get through. If she immediately starts trying to help, telling me what to do, how to fix it or giving me advice -it may communicate that she sees me as a failure or not competent enough to deal with it myself.

I know it can be anxiety provoking, sometimes y'all just want to help. For a group of women with a hard-to-open bottle, they care much less about who opens it, and more that it gets opened. I know y'all mean well when you offer advice or try to help, because that's how women are with each other (giving unprompted advice and helping each other out all the time) but often it's just better to show trust and admiration. Otherwise, you may end up pushing a man away by -perhaps accidentally -communicating a lack of trust and admiration in him. 

Yes, yes. It's a crazy thing we men have, this male ego. But it's how we are. You can accept it and work with it -and we'll be eternally happy if you do -or you can hurt and push us away. Your choice.

(Disclaimer: Yes, I believe men should work on this too, not to take it personally when we are offered unprompted help/advice by a woman. Women want to help when they care about someone, and the more they care the more they really want to help. We should take her help as a sign of her caring, and she should work on helping through communicating trust and admiration.)