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Dec 20, 2011


Can you tell me how to get to married land?

I have this impression -maybe some of you have it too -that the "directions to married land" are now very different than it used to be.

Back in the ol' days, a man would see a woman (usually at some event like a carnival, dance, fair, hangout spot, you know...), find her attractive, pluck up the courage and ask her out. Then the dating begins. What you find out, you find out over time, from being in a relationship. And when you find it out, you make it work because, well, you like her.

But nowadays, in the new age of online dating, cell phones, facebook and google... man hears a woman's name, checks out her SYAS profile, asks a bunch of questions, Googles her, facebook stalks, texts a few (mutual) friends with a list of questions...

Listen, people... We don't need to do a whole background check to figure out if she'll become the "first lady," over here! You're not the president; the secret service, FBI and CIA don't need to get involved to figure out the minutiae of her life!

Seriously, I think all this intelligence work gets in the way of people getting together.

Here's how I see it. When two people get time to interact, to see each other in a relaxed setting (as in, not hyper-aware of being watched or hounded for dating and marriage purposes) they can find a spark of connection. That spark grows into a relationship. Over time, more parts of each person are opened up, brought into and integrated into that relationship. The process builds a symbiotic connection that grows over time, which gives two people the strength to handle whatever comes up.

But when all the intelligence comes first, there is no connection. By the time two people are actually out on a date, they have already undergone a serious, heavy-duty pre-screening process. And then we put ourselves on a date with them before knowing or having any connection. Or expecting to have it because of all the intel.

Seriously? This is supposed to work? I think, in this particular way, we're going in the wrong direction.


  1. That, my friend, is what I have been saying all along. Props to you for saying it in a clear formal manner. :)

  2. yes thats true, but the way we have it set up now protects you from yourself way down the line..when you have built the relationship and possibly fallen in love only to find out that you want completely different things in life! At that point you either break up or compromise on your standards and goals.

    either case the heartbreak is still present. the system is in place to protect us from that. to save us the pain.

    thats not to say that the system is flawless

  3. My history goes way back in the shidduch system, so no asking a girl out by a carnival, but this questions thing is new.

    Everybody out there has a laundry list of things that have to line up perfectly before a date. One or two questions, maybe, to make sure the other isn't a serial killer and he is far moving in a direction in life that would be amenable to you (Working vs learning).

    But to ask questions about personality, mode of dress, hobbies . . . ? What neighbor knows all that? How do you know they know what they are talking about?

    The system has been hijacked, people! Shidduch date did not equate Secret Service, once upon a time.

    A couple of questions, don't ask for references . . . take the girl out for coffee and be done with it.