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Dec 23, 2012

Hide your feelings!

While I will pursue a woman when I have a particular interest, it helps to know she may like me. In fact, the greatest predictor of whether we like someone is often whether we think/know that they like us... 

And yet every so often I'll hear about a missed opportunity, someone who harbored secret feelings for me and worked to hide them rather than allowing them to be known.

How unfortunate. 


  1. this can be true, but sometimes women can be overzealous in letting a guy know that she is interested and then the guy won't pursue her.

  2. Many times women, or make that people in general, will hide their feelings because they do not know how the other party feels and are unsure how the relationship will progress. Owning up to feelings of attraction towards someone is showing vulnerability, something one may not yet be willing to put on the table because she is unsure if she can trust the other party. Women are guilty of this, but more so are men.

    Honesty and candor are immeasurably important when developing a relationship, but there needs to first be a basis on which to build. It would be foolish to lay all one's cards on the table at the outset of the game. As much as it is frustrating to not know if someone likes you, you need to be the impetus for that disclosure.

    On a different note, there is danger in basing your decision to pursue someone solely on the fact that they like you. It's flattering for awhile, but as soon as your relationship hits a rough patch and she decides you aren't as attractive as she originally thought, there isn't much for you to hold onto.

    1. I understand and identify with the difficulty of being vulnerable. I'm also willing to express interest and put myself out there.

      That said, there are many situations when I'm not thinking of a woman in terms of dating, but hearing that she may be interested opens my mind to the possibility.

  3. I hear this completely. The fear of vulnerability is a really big obstacle that I've personally worked on. Exactly like you described from your experience- there is so much more to be gained than lost by opening up, you just need to throw yourself into the arena sometimes.

  4. Oh, I'm not like this at all. When I like someone it's very clear. I may even be too expressive, and I fear I sometimes give off the wrong impression to men who are inclined to read more into my behaviour than is actually there.
    Still, I understand where most women are coming from on this. Don't forget that many Jewish women were raised to beleive that explicit expression of interest in a man is immodest behaviour, and therefore unattractive to any man whom they should want to be with. Also, girls are afraid of seeming too forward, lest that put a guy off.
    One more thing. I recently learned that one reason men can be so hard to understand is because they don't always understand themselves. The same is true of women. A woman might hesitate to express a feeling, because she isn't sure she wants it. She may not be sure she wants you. You probably aren't sure either, so allow for uncertainty and just trust Gd to know what He's doing.
    It's part of what makes life fun.