I've noticed an interesting pattern in my own dating behavior, and I thought I'd share and get some perspective from the peanut gallery too...
I've written before about the importance of responsiveness (or receptivity) when it comes to interacting with a woman, and in the dating world generally. In the absence of an adequate level of responsiveness, I'll usually give it two tries, but then my motivation to continue plummets. This can be with respect to phone calls, texts, or other forms of contact as well as attempts to schedule another date. I'm tempted to generalize to all forms of initiation in the dating world (and possibly within my relationships as well). But let me not get ahead of myself yet.
For example, there was a young woman I went on a first date with. It was a nice date and I felt that we began getting to know each other, so I called her up and asked her out again. She responded, "one of my friends is in town, so I'm busy that day."
"Okay," I thought to myself "that happens. I like to spend time with my out-of-town friends too." So I suggested another potential time and venue. "That's not a good time for me either, I have a work function that night," she replied. At that point, I was simultaneously frustrated ("Well then, just tell me what works for you!") and in doubt ("Okay, I get the message. We're done here.").
It was seriously disheartening. So I said "Alright, let me know if your evenings open up" and I was done. Needless to say, I didn't contact her again.
Was that a mistake? God only knows. But I can say that my motivation plummeted as she told me she was unavailable, yet made no attempt to suggest a viable time. Twice.
In another situation, a mutual friend had followed through with a suggestion, giving me the "a-okay" to contact the lovely lady whose qualities had been so eloquently lauded. I texted her to see when she would like to talk (with the intent of setting a date, of course). A couple -there's that number two again -of quiet days later, I called her up. After ringing all the way to voice mail, I left a message. A day or two later and I'd mentally washed my hands of her. Did she ever contact me back? Yeah. Two weeks later (and no, she wasn't in a different country)... By which point I was long gone.
I've also been on dates that I felt it were dragging on. I don't need a woman to hang on my every word, but it's important to have more than a one-way conversation that feels like a therapy or interrogation session. I can ask a hundred questions, but after just two carefully crafted open-ended inquiries that are reciprocated with monosyllabic answers, I'm practically resigning. While I'm fairly confident I might be able to continue the line of inquiry -and even though I often will, for the sake of getting through the date -I'm usually giving up on the inside.
On occasion I'll be more persistent. If there's something really pulling me, a strong point of connection, an emotional hook-point... I'll be motivated for longer. When I've had strong feelings, I've been known to pursue with more zeal. However, that is fairly uncommon in the earliest stages of dating.
Could I be too sensitive? Sure, that's a definite possibility.
Am I missing out on opportunities? I'll submit to that potentiality.
Should I change my modus operandum? Ay, that's the question... I'm not so sure.
I can imagine I'm not the only guy who reacts that way. Part of me wants women to understand that just replying without giving more -be it a question or a suggested date option -will probably be taken as a sign disinterest (at least by me). Another part of me wonders if I'm just letting go too soon. Then again, in the wonderfully diverse world of dating my style is -like ice cream -just one flavor of many. I'll have to keep tabs and see if it's actually working for me or not.
Feel free to add your two cents.
Frankly I don't know how anyone can be so rude. They should just say so if they aren't interested. You're not being too sensitive - it's perfectly normal for people to act like menches and be responsive, either by saying yes or no.
ReplyDeleteAnd from your end, rather than directly asking them if they would like to go out on Tuesday night, tell them, "It was lovely meeting you, would you like to go out again?" and only if they then say yes suggest a time and place - that way you force an answer out of them.
Perhaps the reason these women don't seem interested is because they're not. When I sense little commonality between myself and another person I also become disinterested and answer them briefly. Doing more feels forced.
ReplyDeleteFrom what you've said here, the amount of effort you out into pursuing a relationship is reasonable. But truth is, most of the women in the world aren't right for you. It follows that the same will be true of most of the women you date. So don't feel bad about giving up on a girl who seems disinterested. It's probably because she is, and that's probably because you're not a good match for each other.
You're not losing opportunities, you're saving yourself time.