Luxury

Though I most certainly cannot speak for everyone, I believe that today the vast majority of us grow up in relative luxury. Perhaps not the lap of luxury -most of us do not get everything we want the way we want it. For those of us who do, that kind of indulgence tends to lead to spoilage.

But I do believe, relative to previous generations, we are quite spoiled -at least I know I've had tremendous privilege in growing up. My family wasn't rich, but I experienced little or no personal contact with war, deadly disease, dangerous antisemitism, threats to my own life, horrible tragedy or abuse. I've been very, very blessed. I've had my fair share of challenges -my life wasn't just smooth sailing. But I didn't deal with the magnitude of atrocity that splatters the pages of our history (and some of which are going on today).

It's important to realize this, I believe. I've experienced so much luxury compared to the hardships of those before me, even those my grandparents experienced.

Because of that, I have the luxury of being annoyed when food doesn't taste as robust as I am used to (or would like it to be) instead of worrying when I will next eat. I get to be bothered about some pesky habit of a friend or roommate instead of wondering whether or not I'll have a roof over my head. I get to be frustrated when my phone doesn't have reception instead of worrying whether I'll ever hear from my Father or Mother again.

And I get to nitpick all those little things I don't like about the woman sitting across from me on a date, instead of appreciating all the wonderful aspects of her character and physique. I have the luxury of being bothered by the shape or size of her nose or whether or whether she needs to be as obsessed with reading parenting books as I am and how to make all of those things fit my own self-indulgent idea of what the woman I choose should look -and act -like.

I've come to realize how very damaging it all is, and how -in dating thus far -I've been a spoiled brat. I've been reticent in seeking dates with women out for ridiculously banal and petty things. I doubt I'm the only one, but I've decided to do something about it.

So I decided to take a woman as she is, trust that if I find her attractive (and not just in the physical sense) and can build a healthy, loving relationship with her, then being bothered or thwarted by my own luxuriously lavish delusions about things like _____________ (insert your own preoccupation here, ex. hashkafic sameness, dress size, number of nights learning night seder, went to camp HASC etc.) really only holds me back from finding someone and moving forward.

That realization opened up a whole world of possibility, but the decision is embodied, not just in my mind. I didn't just epiphenate, I acted on it. The very next day, I ran into a woman who I'd met before, we talked for a while and I was both impressed and fascinated with her, so I pursued the possibility of dating. I saw the potential, which I very likely may not have seen or acted on otherwise. The fact that it didn't go anywhere doesn't slow me down, the world is open and the air is charged with opportunity.

War Paint

Sefaradim -at least my family -often have a minhag to dip our pinkies into the drink (wine, grape juice, etc.) that was used to douse the havdalah candle, and smear it in specific places for symbolic meaning. Behind our ears for us to hear good news in the coming week, in our pockets in the hopes that the coming week will bring abundant sustenance... you get the idea. And ever since I was younger and needed glasses, I would smear some under my eyes, in the hopes that my vision wouldn't get too bad; or at least that I'd witness good things the in the coming week (which isn't at all part of the minhag, but a habit I formed myself).

So when I stuck my pinkies in grape juice last night and began adorning myself with the purple, sweet-smelling, sugary, grape-made semi-syrup, the vivid image of a man adorning warpaint popped into my mind, as though preparing myself to do battle with this week's challenges, and make it to the next Shabbat.

May we all overcome the challenges of this week. Shavuah Tov!

Frustration

I had a really tough time with emotions when I was younger. My experience of emotion was that they were intense, deep, unpredictable, uncontrollable even.I picked up a bunch of lessons along the path of my maturity. One of them is that my emotions are important messages. They are feedback, information about how I am responding to my experience. 

Frustration, a particularly tough one for me, taught me an important lesson - to be creative. And here's how they connected for me.

There' an old adage, "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." As much as this may help with persistence, say, in learning to ride a bike, it teaches nothing about how to go about learning, or what will make the next time different. And that's something I didn't realize early on -that persistence isn't enough. You can't just get back on the bike and do the same exact thing. You have to do something different, to try a different approach, a different balance, shifting weight differently, coordinating legs and hips, and so forth.Then, when you hit the right way, it still takes persistence to practice and master. But to succeed, one must already be on the correct path. Only then is persistence the road to achievement.

If someone climbed onto a bike and tried to stay upright without pedaling, they will very likely fall. If they got up, climbed on the bike again and did the same, they'd very likely fall again. Of course with something so simple, we figure it makes perfect sense, of course they should start pedaling, or balance differently, or some other variation!

Somehow, with more complex tasks, we end up doing just that. The same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Einstein called it insanity. I learned that's what frustration is. When I'm doing something a particular way, expecting certain results, but not getting what I want the way I'm trying to do it.

From a logical standpoint, there are two options: change the approach, or change the expectations! It's definitely not easy to change our expectations, particularly since we don't usually consider changing what we want.

The other option is to take a different approach, angle, vector, what have you. To shake it up, do something different. But again, particularly when "it's the way things are done," we don't usually consider the method as mutable. But that's the essence of creativity. So I learned to be creative.

Another great example of this is, perhaps, learning disabilities. For someone with a learning disability, they simply cannot get the desired result a particular way -they don't learn through a particular modality. The most effective way for an individual with a learning disability to absorb information is to pick a different modality, to be creative and find another path to the answer. 

Nowadays, I'm thinking it might be just as important to learn how to change (some of) my expectations.

Trips, Slips and Almost Falling

Usually, when I trip or slip, I stomp really hard with my other foot, just to hit solid ground before I fall on my face.

Today, I saw something different. Someone snagged his left foot, but then skipped. Just kind of lifted off, one knee bent, and landed softly (ta-da!).

I thought it was cool.

Some Days

Sometimes, I'm tremendously productive, churning and chugging and plugging away at all the work I've got to do, and working towards my life mission with burning passion and direction. Other times, I'm so unfocused and distracted I can't seem to do anything for longer than a few minutes, even sleep.

Odd, how the two can happen within the same night/day.