Accepting What We Already Have

The holiday of Shavuot is a fascinating one; while others reenact aspects of our past -specifically events that occurred to us -this particular holiday is about what we did. Specifically, our choice to accept, embrace, learn and uphold the words of the Torah.

While we recieved the Torah ages ago, there is -on a yearly basis -a renewal of that acceptance. One that goes above and beyond the choices we make daily to learn and uphold our Biblical inheritance. 

But how do we accept what we already have? Is it just a renewal, a symbolic gesture or a recommitting? Do we acknowledge our going astray to return once more?

Many know of the Midrash that speaks of Hashem holding Har Sinai (Mt Sinai) over our heads as a wedding canopy at the time the Torah was given to us; while some of that may connote fear and coercion, it also hints at a special, intimate, marriage-like relationship with The Almighty and the Torah. And over the past few Parshiyot, the Torah describes an unbreakable relationship between Hashem and the Jewish people. Whether that is for good or for worse, this unique relationship impacts the Jewish nation.

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and specialist on intimacy (I know, she sounds so frum!) and author of the book "Mating in Captivity," said at a roundtable discussion that long-term relationships should be viewed from a perspective of "short term with the option to renew." The point of this idea, of course, is twofold: first, that relationships change and evolve as individuals do, and second that one cannot take for granted any relationship, otherwise they will cease to work for it. To expect that a relationship is simply going to last forever means that I may get lazy or do whatever I please, but it will still go on the way I'd like it to.

But I believe the holiday of Shavuot carries with it the message that Ester Perel put forth. We cannot and should not take for granted a relationship with God and a connection with the Torah. By having "an option to renew" every year, we recognize and say "Na'aseh V'Nishmah," that "we will do and we will listen."

In that same vein, we stay up all night delving into Torah, a symbol -not only of this commitment but also -in renewing our relationship with The Almighty. We have the "option to renew" and we vigorously say YES with our actions and our words in learning Torah through the night.

I do believe this idea is both beautiful and applies not only to Torah, but to marriage as well.

Thought of the Day (#3)

"Before one may lead others, they must champion themselves."

Thought of the Day (#2)

Every so often, I work out a little phrase or thought. Often it seems like I've heard it before, but I'll admit I don't read libraries of literature and I'm not well versed in the world's quotes. In any case, here's one from the other day: 

"While women appreciate a sensitive man, they are often attracted to men who take leadership. A man who can master both is rarer than a unicorn."

As always, comments or feedback are welcome

Thought of the Day (#1)

Every so often, I work out a little phrase or thought. Often it seems like I've heard it before, but I'll admit I don't read libraries of literature and I'm not well versed in the world's quotes. In any case, here's one from the other day:

"Maybe there are no atheists in a foxhole, but if you put a religious man down there for long enough, he may begin to question God."

As always, thoughts are welcome.

Weddings: Racing to the Finish-line

The way people talk about shidduchim, the "crisis" and the need to get married can sound like an obsession.

The incessant ranting about it like some holy relic, rite of passage, or penultimate goal feeds me this image of a marathon, where all the runners with their ages pinned to their shirts are dashing headlong down a path, some for miles and miles, exhausted, panting, gasping for air and a moment's respite from the race while hammering the track with their pounding feet, led by all manners of motivation from touch to companionship, social status to family, sexual contact to child-raising, religious obligation to communal acceptance, fear and existential angst in loneliness. Or just to stop everyone from nagging and asking every 3.7 seconds: "So, nuuuu, when are you getting married?"

And of course, every so often, the person I'm running next to suddenly disappears, having finished their race. At which point I'm left sprinting and perspiring and flabbergasted -while being happy for them of course, since their race is finished -wondering what on earth just happened and when I'll be the one to suddenly trip and stumble across my own finish line. Since I've got no idea where it is, I'm practically running blind, which can give this experience the treadmill-esque "going nowhere fast" sensation.  

Of course, this particular marathon ends under the chuppah. But what then? From many perspectives, life opens up. Relationship, togetherness/unity, intimacy, family, acceptance, community, religious fulfillment... all reach a very different place at this "finish line."

It makes me wonder if we're picking the wrong race sometimes. If perhaps the finish line is really a beginning, why are we spending so much effort just to get there, instead of preparing for when we do? If people expend all their energy trying so hard just to get to the wedding, what do we have when we finally reach marriage? What is the purpose in running a marathon towards my wedding when that point is the beginning of marriage?

The voice echoing loudly in my head is adamant: "because you have to get there first!"

Allow me to conjecture for a moment, perhaps what is really necessary to reach the chuppah is a certain preparedness for marriage rather than racing towards a wedding.

Though I must admit that dating and relationships/marriage are completely different skill-sets. and my own focus from much younger has been the latter. More on that later.