So, following the coat-tails of a previous post (and a hat-tip should go to Princess Lea for inspiration), I was just struck by an interesting metaphor.
Does anyone remember the days when cell phones didn't have apps, bbm, sms, mms, gmail, gchat... and the rest of the alphabet soup? When a cell phone did just one thing: make calls (and didn't have to be super thin to be considered worthwhile).
People went to the store, picked one up that fit their style and went home happy.
Nowadays, every phone has so many details it's hard to keep track! How much memory? Does it have a micro-SD? How big is the screen? What is the resolution and the ratio? How bright are the colors? How responsive to touch and roll? 3G or 4G? How many megapixels is the camera? Is there a forward-facing camera to video-chat? Full browser and facebook and gmail and gchat and group-chat and a million apps, and, and, and...
The more people try to cram into a phone, the more we feel like we have to keep getting a new one, and that the one we get absolutely must have the best features. Because, after all, you take it everywhere you go and use it every day, right?
Here's the analogy. Since when did we begin to obsess about all the little details for a mate? No, seriously. It used to be like the phones of yore, just find one that fits your style and enjoy making calls. Pretty simple. But now it's super complicated because we're all trying to get the fanciest one out there (just the one for me, of course!) and we sit around hashing out all the minutiae, all the little apps and details we want customized... a veritable alphabet soup of features. Because of the expectations.
I recently got a new shnazzy phone. And I still remember the one I had almost ten years ago, that couldn't send or receive texts. Yeah, I can do a lot more on the one I have now, and it serves me very well. But also, my expectations for a phone far outweigh what they were before. Almost a decade ago, I was just happy to connect with another person, to
talk. There was no need to have fourteen and a half ways of reaching
them, just one. Simplicity and connection were the point.
In some ways, I realize that the more I learn about what the shnazzy phone can do, the more I've begun to expect it to do more than it's capable of; when it can't perform the exact way I expect, it's easy to get frustrated and say "but it should be able to do what I want!"
I'm not sure that's the way I want to think about dating and women, though. Somehow, I feel that it's easy to slip into that mentality. For the time being, I'm still in wonder over the amazing piece of technology inhabiting my phone. I hope to always have that youthful, curious, open and awed view when dating and in marriage.
Dec 28, 2011
Dec 26, 2011
Shush!
Shushing a child in public communicates that you care more about how everyone else around them feels than how they feel.
Think about it for a moment. A child begins to fuss, whimper and even cry or scream. And what does the parent do... Do they first ask themselves about what the child is feeling, thinking, having trouble with? Do they look around pleadingly or embarrassed? Do they scoop the child up and rush off? Do they chastise the child? Do they tell the child how to feel, or how not to feel? Do they encourage the child to understand how they are feeling, what they are responding to? Do they yell? Are they calm? Do they bark commands? Are they narrating and showing the child their own thought process?
I think it is always important to first acknowledge their emotions, then grant them the awareness of their surroundings. It is important to recognize how they feel, to give that the first priority. It's also important to teach them about social norms, rules and expectations. But it's how we do so that builds an enduring trust and bond.
For example, saying something like, "You look really upset, because you want ice cream, but we're not getting ice cream today. You really really wanted ice cream. I wish we could give you ice cream every day, whenever you want. It's really upsetting not to get what we want when we want it. There are also a lot of people around, and yelling is not for the supermarket because it is disruptive. We use indoor voices at the supermarket, because other people also use indoor voices and everyone needs to do their shopping. When we are upset, we can say 'I am very upset because I want ice cream and I can't get ice cream' instead."
While it may seem long or convoluted, it communicates a few very important things. Firstly, that we are attuned to the child, their wants, needs and frustrations. That those things are very important to them, and to us. That we care about them and want to make them happy. That they won't always feel happy and we won't always be able to give them what they want, regardless of how we and/or they feel. That we need to be conscientious of our surroundings. That there is an appropriate way to communicate their feelings. (It is also to recognize that we need to be attuned to the way a child feels, because if we aren't they will have to escalate in order to ensure we're getting the message.)
If the child is still very upset, then they probably did not feel as though their feelings were truly heard and understood (some kids may learn that they are really only heard/understood when the parent responds with action or gives them what they want). So it's important to focus on their feelings. Sometimes, it's even important to leave (especially in a public place), though that can be an additional frustration for the child.
Otherwise, by shushing them, we just communicate to them that we care less about their feelings, what they are experiencing and who they are and more about how other people they think of us. Or maybe, we communicate that they need to try harder to really get our attention and make them a priority. Make no mistake, they will try harder, push and escalate. Children, more than almost anything else, want to be heard, understood and responded to. The attention and empathy is so important to them, it cannot be overstressed.
We don't always have to do what the child wants, but it's often much easier on both the child and the parents when we give them our understanding empathy.
Think about it for a moment. A child begins to fuss, whimper and even cry or scream. And what does the parent do... Do they first ask themselves about what the child is feeling, thinking, having trouble with? Do they look around pleadingly or embarrassed? Do they scoop the child up and rush off? Do they chastise the child? Do they tell the child how to feel, or how not to feel? Do they encourage the child to understand how they are feeling, what they are responding to? Do they yell? Are they calm? Do they bark commands? Are they narrating and showing the child their own thought process?
I think it is always important to first acknowledge their emotions, then grant them the awareness of their surroundings. It is important to recognize how they feel, to give that the first priority. It's also important to teach them about social norms, rules and expectations. But it's how we do so that builds an enduring trust and bond.
For example, saying something like, "You look really upset, because you want ice cream, but we're not getting ice cream today. You really really wanted ice cream. I wish we could give you ice cream every day, whenever you want. It's really upsetting not to get what we want when we want it. There are also a lot of people around, and yelling is not for the supermarket because it is disruptive. We use indoor voices at the supermarket, because other people also use indoor voices and everyone needs to do their shopping. When we are upset, we can say 'I am very upset because I want ice cream and I can't get ice cream' instead."
While it may seem long or convoluted, it communicates a few very important things. Firstly, that we are attuned to the child, their wants, needs and frustrations. That those things are very important to them, and to us. That we care about them and want to make them happy. That they won't always feel happy and we won't always be able to give them what they want, regardless of how we and/or they feel. That we need to be conscientious of our surroundings. That there is an appropriate way to communicate their feelings. (It is also to recognize that we need to be attuned to the way a child feels, because if we aren't they will have to escalate in order to ensure we're getting the message.)
If the child is still very upset, then they probably did not feel as though their feelings were truly heard and understood (some kids may learn that they are really only heard/understood when the parent responds with action or gives them what they want). So it's important to focus on their feelings. Sometimes, it's even important to leave (especially in a public place), though that can be an additional frustration for the child.
Otherwise, by shushing them, we just communicate to them that we care less about their feelings, what they are experiencing and who they are and more about how other people they think of us. Or maybe, we communicate that they need to try harder to really get our attention and make them a priority. Make no mistake, they will try harder, push and escalate. Children, more than almost anything else, want to be heard, understood and responded to. The attention and empathy is so important to them, it cannot be overstressed.
We don't always have to do what the child wants, but it's often much easier on both the child and the parents when we give them our understanding empathy.
Dec 25, 2011
When I'm Hurting
When I am in pain,
When my heart is hurting
When I clutch at my chest
And give way to silent, invisible tears.
I see your eyes.
But I do not want concern.
I do not like to see you worry,
Or wonder if I'll make it through.
I will.
What I want to see,
What I wish to feel,
And know...
Is that you understand.
That you see I am in pain,
That it means something to you.
I will be fine.
If you worry,
If you express concern,
It makes me wonder
How strong you think I really am.
If you believe it will
Cut so deeply,
That I will never recover,
That I will hurt forever....
I will heal.
What I don't want
Is your haughty pity
Or attempts to change my feelings.
Don't try to fix it
To fix me or my feelings.
Trust in my strength, show me respect.
And I will show you resilience.
It will change soon.
My heart will beat on,
My mind will clear,
My soul will endure.
I am strong.
All I need
When I show you
My pain
Is to see
Just how much
You care.
Simply be with me.
When my heart is hurting
When I clutch at my chest
And give way to silent, invisible tears.
I see your eyes.
But I do not want concern.
I do not like to see you worry,
Or wonder if I'll make it through.
I will.
What I want to see,
What I wish to feel,
And know...
Is that you understand.
That you see I am in pain,
That it means something to you.
I will be fine.
If you worry,
If you express concern,
It makes me wonder
How strong you think I really am.
If you believe it will
Cut so deeply,
That I will never recover,
That I will hurt forever....
I will heal.
What I don't want
Is your haughty pity
Or attempts to change my feelings.
Don't try to fix it
To fix me or my feelings.
Trust in my strength, show me respect.
And I will show you resilience.
It will change soon.
My heart will beat on,
My mind will clear,
My soul will endure.
I am strong.
All I need
When I show you
My pain
Is to see
Just how much
You care.
Simply be with me.
Dec 22, 2011
What To Do, What To Do... (Part 2)
I left off previously by presenting and sarcastically mocking the plan for life development and marriage stages that seems both an ideal
and simply inapplicable nowadays...
So then, what was the idea behind "Shmoneh Estreh L'chupah"? How did it work way back when? What does it mean today?
The most common answer I find is the cultural one. It states that back in their day and age education ended at the age of twelve or so, and while children began to learn a trade be beginning an apprenticeship at that age, they also continued learning Judaic texts. By the age of seventeen the man had learned a trade, probably acquired some sort of dwelling and/or shop and thus (as per the Rambam) was ready to seek a marriage partner. Nowadays, we just can't do that because of the culture and our maturity level.
While that's all nice and dandy, there's one piece that is abundantly clear to me, but I see is missing in the explanation.
But before I get started on that... Seriously, Chazal didn't recognize that the world changes? Do we give "the cultural answer" for other Halachot, saying they're outdated? I mean, really?!?! I give Chazal more credit than to simply state that in this day and age it's impractical.
The age guidelines didn't just account for maturity in terms of intellect, emotions and adulthood. It accounted very strongly for sexual maturity. Thus the harsh language in the Talmud and the developmental timelines indicate something very clear to me -that we have a very real and very important desire to consider as well.
Think about it -marriage comes last in the stages of life development laid out. So then why put a number on it? Why set these limits with harsh language, making reference to violating the commandments, living in sin, exploding/rotting bones?
There is a recognition that marriage is important, and perhaps that there are reasonable limits to how long humans can handle not being married -and for the purposes of this post, I'm considering the aspects of touch, desire and procreation within marriage (though there's a whole lot more to talk about). There are consequences and repercussions for not having those desires, including physical intimacy and marriage established by a certain age. Serious enough to merit very abrasive language.
Clearly the sources map out an ideal situation which now clashes with our reality. The Rav writes that Halachah is an ideal world, which our reality does not conform to. At its best, Halachah tells us how to respond to the world we live in. I think this conundrum presents a frustratingly clear example of that stark contrast. Which leads to the core question how do we respond to the realities, given Halachic imperatives?
Compounding the question is the recognition of how jarring the reality is. The fields of medicine/biology, psychology and law all recognize that there are serious limits and consequences in attempting to squelch or delay physical intimacy beyond the late teens (~18). Concerns for having children before being able to support them (both in the secular world and within the sources quoted above) convolute the issue as well.
In that sense, so many of us are stuck in "no man's land" while every available source indicates we're not in the ideal situation. And that's putting it mildly. Trying so hard to consolidate what everyone knows and agrees on without knowing when -or even if -there will be a reprieve. Trying to uphold the values while enduring the struggle and frustration, often without even having a place to voice our pain, a forum to discuss the consequences and/or a way to negotiate how we can best handle where we are in life.
It is, by so many accounts, the challenge and test of our time. (Just as a quick note, there are some communities that take these Halachot as a guide and marry at a younger age, perhaps because of these concerns.)
Western society chose to address the individual's concerns, pain and well being based on the available information, eschewing all other concerns for their fundamental precept: preserving an individual's right to pursue their happiness as they see fit. Halachah and the Orthodox community places the values of family, marriage and preserving the family unit above all else by creating safeguards for upholding the sanctity of marriage -literally Taharat Hamishpachah -through laws built to create and maintain a unique, reserved and holy connection forged through physical intimacy exclusively within the context of marriage.
A large part of me sees significant agreement among Jewish sources and the fields of science and law regarding our human needs and limits. The fact that circumstances have changed so that when we do reach and pass the red-line we cannot follow the guidelines, warnings and advice of all these source means that we're the ones left alone to deal with it.
As for my own thoughts and conclusions, I see and experience the pain and I admire the values on both sides. I recognize that my struggle and the challenge(s) I experience puts me in a place of partial blindness. I cannot always see clearly through the pain to the Halachic values that I hold dear. But I am resolved and decide every day that I am determined to maintain those values.
Trying to walk a Halachic path in life blinded by pain with my hands tied behind my back means that I may very well stumble, fall and get hurt. I may perhaps even take a step off the road. But those are not intentional steps off the path, nor do I say to myself it is okay to walk away. My resolve and determination are the hardest but most important virtues to uphold -they are the compass that keep me pointed in the right direction.
So then, what was the idea behind "Shmoneh Estreh L'chupah"? How did it work way back when? What does it mean today?
The most common answer I find is the cultural one. It states that back in their day and age education ended at the age of twelve or so, and while children began to learn a trade be beginning an apprenticeship at that age, they also continued learning Judaic texts. By the age of seventeen the man had learned a trade, probably acquired some sort of dwelling and/or shop and thus (as per the Rambam) was ready to seek a marriage partner. Nowadays, we just can't do that because of the culture and our maturity level.
While that's all nice and dandy, there's one piece that is abundantly clear to me, but I see is missing in the explanation.
But before I get started on that... Seriously, Chazal didn't recognize that the world changes? Do we give "the cultural answer" for other Halachot, saying they're outdated? I mean, really?!?! I give Chazal more credit than to simply state that in this day and age it's impractical.
The age guidelines didn't just account for maturity in terms of intellect, emotions and adulthood. It accounted very strongly for sexual maturity. Thus the harsh language in the Talmud and the developmental timelines indicate something very clear to me -that we have a very real and very important desire to consider as well.
Think about it -marriage comes last in the stages of life development laid out. So then why put a number on it? Why set these limits with harsh language, making reference to violating the commandments, living in sin, exploding/rotting bones?
There is a recognition that marriage is important, and perhaps that there are reasonable limits to how long humans can handle not being married -and for the purposes of this post, I'm considering the aspects of touch, desire and procreation within marriage (though there's a whole lot more to talk about). There are consequences and repercussions for not having those desires, including physical intimacy and marriage established by a certain age. Serious enough to merit very abrasive language.
Clearly the sources map out an ideal situation which now clashes with our reality. The Rav writes that Halachah is an ideal world, which our reality does not conform to. At its best, Halachah tells us how to respond to the world we live in. I think this conundrum presents a frustratingly clear example of that stark contrast. Which leads to the core question how do we respond to the realities, given Halachic imperatives?
Compounding the question is the recognition of how jarring the reality is. The fields of medicine/biology, psychology and law all recognize that there are serious limits and consequences in attempting to squelch or delay physical intimacy beyond the late teens (~18). Concerns for having children before being able to support them (both in the secular world and within the sources quoted above) convolute the issue as well.
In that sense, so many of us are stuck in "no man's land" while every available source indicates we're not in the ideal situation. And that's putting it mildly. Trying so hard to consolidate what everyone knows and agrees on without knowing when -or even if -there will be a reprieve. Trying to uphold the values while enduring the struggle and frustration, often without even having a place to voice our pain, a forum to discuss the consequences and/or a way to negotiate how we can best handle where we are in life.
It is, by so many accounts, the challenge and test of our time. (Just as a quick note, there are some communities that take these Halachot as a guide and marry at a younger age, perhaps because of these concerns.)
Western society chose to address the individual's concerns, pain and well being based on the available information, eschewing all other concerns for their fundamental precept: preserving an individual's right to pursue their happiness as they see fit. Halachah and the Orthodox community places the values of family, marriage and preserving the family unit above all else by creating safeguards for upholding the sanctity of marriage -literally Taharat Hamishpachah -through laws built to create and maintain a unique, reserved and holy connection forged through physical intimacy exclusively within the context of marriage.
A large part of me sees significant agreement among Jewish sources and the fields of science and law regarding our human needs and limits. The fact that circumstances have changed so that when we do reach and pass the red-line we cannot follow the guidelines, warnings and advice of all these source means that we're the ones left alone to deal with it.
As for my own thoughts and conclusions, I see and experience the pain and I admire the values on both sides. I recognize that my struggle and the challenge(s) I experience puts me in a place of partial blindness. I cannot always see clearly through the pain to the Halachic values that I hold dear. But I am resolved and decide every day that I am determined to maintain those values.
Trying to walk a Halachic path in life blinded by pain with my hands tied behind my back means that I may very well stumble, fall and get hurt. I may perhaps even take a step off the road. But those are not intentional steps off the path, nor do I say to myself it is okay to walk away. My resolve and determination are the hardest but most important virtues to uphold -they are the compass that keep me pointed in the right direction.
Dec 21, 2011
What To Do, What To Do... (Part 1)
Over here I discussed my experience with Shmirat Negiyah. The comments were split into two basic themes: appreciation of the feelings expressed and words on what to do about it. While I'd hoped to garner more discussion on the feelings, I noticed that the larger and more passionate responses addressed the actions that should or should not be taken.
So here's the place to begin. A place to open up that discussion.
Several (okay, so maybe it's more than several) years back, I ran into a very interesting conundrum. For a single male reaching the age of twenty, there is a very notable source that seems to create a conflict. Learning about this source lead to a larger inquiry within Jewish sources for the prerogative to get married, the (ideal) age to do so and the life-development stages to consider. I'm laying out what I can scrounge and remember from that process, and I know there is much more (and a whole lot of discussion to be had). Then I'll tell you about my own thoughts, considerations and perhaps even a conclusion or two.
Let's start with the life development concerns. The Mishna in Pirkei Avot (5:21) states: "At five years old a person should study Mikra, at ten years the Mishnah and at fifteen the Talmud." Shortly thereafter (5:25) they give guildelines for when to get married: "Shmoneh Estreh L'chupah."
The Talmud (Sotah 44a) teaches that the proper sequence of a persons life should consist of: (a) acquiring a house, (b) learning a trade and (c) marrying. Interestingly, the Rambam (Hilchot Dei'ot 5:11) flips the first two, noting that learning a trade precedes acquiring a house. Commentators struggle with the issue, but ultimately everyone concludes that marriage should come last and that is the most important value to extract from these sources. The rest is just logistics and practicality concerns.
Okay, so we have a sequence of learning and a sequence of building a life and family. Now the troublesome part. There are many different opinions for the proper ages, but here are two more I picked up along my inquiry:
The Talmud (Kiddushin 29b) brings down the following:
The Rambam states it similarly, but focuses on the commandment violations (Hilchot Ishut, 15:2):
Oh yes, let's give people a mere three years to find a bashert! Oh, and by the way, you have -at best -about 2 years to seriously learn Gemara before being responsible to pursue marriage. Lastly, let's make sure you know that Hashem is waiting for you to find your bashert before the age of twenty. Also, you should have a house and a job before then. So a guy needs to be educated thoroughly in Judaic texts, learn a trade and buy a house by around the age of seventeen. Then he needs to be married by twenty.
No pressure.
The continuation -which will be posted tomorrow -will push the envelope further and explore the clash between the outline presented here and the reality we have to deal with.
So here's the place to begin. A place to open up that discussion.
Several (okay, so maybe it's more than several) years back, I ran into a very interesting conundrum. For a single male reaching the age of twenty, there is a very notable source that seems to create a conflict. Learning about this source lead to a larger inquiry within Jewish sources for the prerogative to get married, the (ideal) age to do so and the life-development stages to consider. I'm laying out what I can scrounge and remember from that process, and I know there is much more (and a whole lot of discussion to be had). Then I'll tell you about my own thoughts, considerations and perhaps even a conclusion or two.
Let's start with the life development concerns. The Mishna in Pirkei Avot (5:21) states: "At five years old a person should study Mikra, at ten years the Mishnah and at fifteen the Talmud." Shortly thereafter (5:25) they give guildelines for when to get married: "Shmoneh Estreh L'chupah."
The Talmud (Sotah 44a) teaches that the proper sequence of a persons life should consist of: (a) acquiring a house, (b) learning a trade and (c) marrying. Interestingly, the Rambam (Hilchot Dei'ot 5:11) flips the first two, noting that learning a trade precedes acquiring a house. Commentators struggle with the issue, but ultimately everyone concludes that marriage should come last and that is the most important value to extract from these sources. The rest is just logistics and practicality concerns.
Okay, so we have a sequence of learning and a sequence of building a life and family. Now the troublesome part. There are many different opinions for the proper ages, but here are two more I picked up along my inquiry:
The Talmud (Kiddushin 29b) brings down the following:
Rav Huna says: one who reaches the age of twenty and has not married, he lives all his days in sin. Rava said, until twenty years the Almighty sits in anticipation waiting for a person to marry. Once he reaches twenty and has not married, He says: "May his bones rot!" (Alternatively translated: "May his bones blow up!")
The Rambam states it similarly, but focuses on the commandment violations (Hilchot Ishut, 15:2):
When is a man obligated in this Mitzvah? From the age of seventeen. Once he reaches twenty years and has not married a woman, he has transgressed and neglected a positive commandment.
Oh yes, let's give people a mere three years to find a bashert! Oh, and by the way, you have -at best -about 2 years to seriously learn Gemara before being responsible to pursue marriage. Lastly, let's make sure you know that Hashem is waiting for you to find your bashert before the age of twenty. Also, you should have a house and a job before then. So a guy needs to be educated thoroughly in Judaic texts, learn a trade and buy a house by around the age of seventeen. Then he needs to be married by twenty.
No pressure.
The continuation -which will be posted tomorrow -will push the envelope further and explore the clash between the outline presented here and the reality we have to deal with.
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