Search Me (My Blog)

Jul 9, 2012

Stop Searching and Start Experiencing

I came across this blog the other day, originally for a Market Design class, and was exploring when I stumbled on this link, which took me to this research article.

It's a fascinating piece about how people and relationships are experiences, not just a pile of criteria and tangible attributes. It was talking about online dating, and made a case in saying that people waste far too much time getting far too little because of the way we are dating online.

What happens online?

We search. We look at criteria, a list of things including height and age, eye color and Jewish school, frequency of davening and move watching habits, skirts or pants, personality and music, activities and body type... the list just keeps going on.

And when we see something we don't like? We click a button and just keep going on.

I'm as guilty of it as the next person, and as a guy I am privileged to do that more easily and feel assured that I will have another chance very soon.

Perhaps we should adjust the questions we ask, the things we spend time thinking about. Maybe we should request different information from a Shadchan, answer questions a bit differently. Maybe we should slow down, spend less time focusing on criteria and more time focusing on creating experiences, or sharing our own.

I don't want to marry a list, paper and pen doesn't quite do it for me. But I would like to have a really wonderful experience in marriage. I guess that starts with experiencing another person, sharing my experiences, hearing hers, and creating ours together.


  1. computer dating is like the ultimate shidduch experience. its a like dealing with a shadchan without having to speak with the pushy shadchan. whenever one works with a middleman it is so easy to be picky .

  2. There was an article in the NY Times that said this same thing. I wrote about it here:

    Most successful relationships don't have to do with similarities. It's about that intangible interpersonal relationship. Without a screen.