Men 101: Physical Proximity

After my side-note on this post about long distance, I remembered something very interesting about how I relate to physical proximity with others.

I think -on the whole -we men actually build relationships of different kinds through physical proximity. For example, my gym buddy isn't someone I need to talk to about my personal problems or feelings. We go to the gym, have a workout, and go our separate ways. But after doing that for some time, I'm comfortable and feel close with him. Some of my best guy friends are dudes that I spend time with playing board games and card games, sports or just living together as roommates.

We don't need to sit down and talk about our deep feelings to bond, just spending time around each other, especially engaging in activities together, builds a connection. Kind of like the guys on a sports team. They don't sit around the locker room drinking tea and talking about their relationships and feelings to become friends -they do that after, when they already feel bonded by spending time together. 

 In fact, when some of my guy friends have moved away, our relationship somewhat stagnated. In person we are right back to where we used to be. But from far away, it's just not the same. Talking online or via phone doesn't really build the connection so much.

So I posit this: Men bond through physical proximity. Just spending time together. Perhaps not exclusively, but in a big way. 

I don't mind doing an activity as a date, as much as I enjoy talking. In fact, in many ways it's really more about spending time together than talking. Of course the exception is when information-seeking, but I'm talking about building a bond, not trying to figure out what a woman is going to do with her hair when she's married or what she thinks about television and movies. There's gathering intel, and there's bonding with someone; I think they are two different things.

Oh, Long Distance.

Sometimes we can be blissfully oblivious of what we're saying until after we've heard the words out of our own mouth, and then... Wham! We process what just came out. Other times, it can take a while before our words come back to haunt us.

I've had to eat my own words a few times. It can be so embarrassing, and yet so enlightening at the same time. I usually laugh -it's amazing how we can corner ourselves with just a few words. I relish the experience, the double entendre, the unintended (perhaps subconscious) meanings we convey, how simple it is to misunderstand or misrepresent what we mean.

And so, with reference to my abhorring long distance here and an entire post devoted to it here, it's time to eat my words, so to speak. I'm doing the long distance thing now. I think I dislike long distance more than ever, but sometimes the person is worth it. I certainly feel that way now.

Sometimes, I feel that life experience is telling me that ideals and reality don't always mix -it's like oil and water. Ideals can be lofty and light, rising above the realities of life. Ideally, I'd avoid long distance. In reality, it's something I'll put up with -for someone I feel is worth overcoming the obstacles. 

But back to the ol' peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwich metaphor for long distance versus proximal dating:

It's like the difference between spreading peanut-butter and jelly evenly on two slices of bread versus putting a glob on each and smushing them together haphazardly. The two sandwiches may have the same ingredients, but there's a world of difference in their taste, perhaps in each bite.

With long distance, each bite is more intense. Spending time together can feel pressured -there's just so much I want to cram into every moment, unsaid feelings and thoughts, curiosity and so much I'd like to learn and see, wanting more time, always thinking about when the next opportunity might be, and fretting about parting ways until some nebulous, hopeful future time to get together again. And then the process repeats itself, feeling pressured and trying to cram too much into too little time.

Afterwards, looking back, I sometimes wish it could just be more relaxed and less intense. Being able to spend time together doing things and interacting rather than trying to cram two or three weeks' anticipation into a sliver of time. Talk about overwhelming!

It's all in my own mind, of course. I'm just going to have to put it to work figuring out how to chill and slow down, take the pressure for intensity down a few notches. Which is hard to do when I don't really want it to slow down, especially given that the distance is already built into the package. On the other hand, I'm learning that trying to compensate by cramming more intensity into less time (or fewer meetings) isn't a particularly effective solution.

[As a side note, I find myself trying harder to develop more of a connection faster (or a stronger connection), perhaps to compensate for the physical distance I'm forced to acknowledge and deal with. It's a push to handle my own dislike and frustration with the physical distance by trying to balance it with emotional closeness. I'm curious if anyone else has had that experience too.]

Balance, as they say. It's just a matter of time. Well, space and time. *Sigh* Oh, long distance. 

Quote of the Day #10

Every so often, I work out a little phrase or thought. Often it seems like I've heard it before, but I'll admit I don't read libraries of literature and I'm not well versed in the world's quotes. In any case, here's one from the other day: 

"I find it a profound irony that we spend all of our time dating obsessing about similarity and our relationships/marriages learning to appreciate and overcome our differences. "

As always, thoughts or feedback are appreciated.

The Dangler

I'm a pretty straight-laced guy, so when I go out on a date with a woman and let her know at the end that I had a great time and would like to go out again, I mean it. I also contact her within the next couple of days, at least to chat a bit, build more of a connection, flirt, etc. Either way, I definitely have the next date in mind even if I don't always get "down to business" straight away.

I have come to understand that the process of dating takes time, to wait for a suggestion, consider it carefully, to answer and wait back for an affirmative response, to make contact and compare schedules, to set a date and go out, to talk a day or two later. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Still, sometimes it's too drawn out, like this story about the dangler, who strung me a long for a couple weeks after a first date. 

As I've mentioned, graduate school keeps me somewhat busy on occasion, reducing my available dating time. Summers are often the best and most open time I have, which also makes them the most precious for dating. While I could probably cram in 4-6 dates a week with anywhere between 2-6 women, being straight-laced means (to me) that I'll take it one at a time. I'd rather not compare or cram. 

So, onto the dangler. Our initial contact and phone conversation was great, and we set a time to go out. I thoroughly enjoyed exchanging stories on the date, I happen to think it's a great way to start getting to know each other, and there's always extra points when the stories are funny, shocking or otherwise striking. It's also a great way to slip in some intrigue, a la "remind me to tell you the story about my first experience with peas..."

Unfortunately it was all lateral from there. Lateral as in "sideways," as in "no upwards or downwards movement."

Communication almost immediately became particularly patchy. Texts would sometimes garner little response and other times multiple responses, calls went unanswered but returned via text (and then responded to patchily, as above), she'd selectively answer questions and comments I made. In the two weeks that followed our first date I mentioned talking about setting up another date at least twice, if not thrice, and I would have been perfectly fine if she were not interested. 

At first I wondered if it was a game of hot-and-cold. Personally, I don't have much interest in the game, but I was wondering about it. After about a week, I found my interest dropping, particularly since I experienced a significant drop in receptiveness. You'd think it could indicate her lack of interest, but I didn't sense that. Then I wondered if she was having a busy week, perhaps not unlike some of my own, but I thought she should have said something about that.

And then she did.

"Okay, that happens"  I thought to myself. "I have had busy weeks, I know what it's like. Maybe this week will be better." Meanwhile, a precious week of summer dating time had gone by with nary a date in sight.

And then she did it again.

After twelve days of this, I had pretty much lost interest. I didn't even really want to go out on a second date anymore. Being straight-laced does have its drawbacks, and feeling obligated to stay true to my word and go out again is one of them.

I figured if I didn't have a stellar time and a third date didn't materialize quickly thereafter, I'd wash my hands of the whole ordeal.

Finally, we set a time to talk on the phone. At this point I was pretty much done with chasing her, so we figured out a time and I let her know she can call me, thinking that I wasn't going to keep initiating forever with someone so busy. Let her make time and contact me when she is comfortable.

The call never came, but I did get a text three days later saying she's a bit too busy to date right now. "No kidding," I thought to myself, "I figured that one out on my own, thanks." Then she offered to talk on the phone about it. Having had enough of the dangling, this cat just walked away.

I learned two lessons. First, never tell a woman you'd like to go out again, until you are planning the next date already. Second, if someone you go out with is too busy to schedule another date, just tell them that they seem busy and cut 'em loose. Third, receptivity is #1. Okay, that's three, but the last one is an old lesson anyways. 

On Books and Covers

People say "don't judge a book by its cover" and sure, they're usually right. But sometimes you just wish the rest of the book is just like the cover.