Search Me (My Blog)

May 17, 2011

I'm Just Waiting for "The One"

 This idea of having one bashert, a single person with whom we are destined to spend our lives with and is our true mate, other half, the completer of our essence and fulfill-er of our needs, in my humble opinion, has pervaded too far into our minds.

I do believe Disney has had an influence, as has the concept of "true love" that exists in the Western world.

However, when I hear someone say that they're just waiting for their bashert to arrive, to show up, to impress them and sweep them off their feet, to rock their world, fix their issues, take away the loneliness, relieve the pressure... what I hear is that the person is stuck. Stuck and expecting someone or something else -some external force -to intervene.

Stuck with an idea of what should occur, what has to happen, in order for them to choose a life with someone. Waiting, not being active. Active doesn't mean searching, it's not my job to search. God does that, He does the matching. Let me repeat that. My job is NOT to search, that's God's job -and what he's out there doing with his unlimited time.

My job it twofold -to make myself ready, and make myself accessible. Being ready and available isn't so simple. It's not like saying "I'm here, come get me!"

Then what is it? This ties into my idea of when a person is ready to actually date, and it's an epiphany I had recently. A person is ready to date when they're ready to shed all preconceived notions about married life, about what a man (or woman) "should" or "has to" be (in terms of character and looks alike), when they realize that it takes two, and that each person they go on a date has wonderful qualities and areas of challenge, but that the whole point is to make it work together. When they can let go of everything else and explore the possibility of making it work together (I call this flexibility), then -and only then -are they engaged and present in dating. And that requires a few key things, like minimum self-esteem, basic respect, some communication skill, and a genuine desire to fulfill another person's needs.

 Back to topic, I don't believe in the idea of "The One" as a guiding idea for dating, relationships, and marriage. Like the idea that there is just one person out there for me -who simply fits into who I am and what I'm looking for. To me, the concept is a tad ridiculous, and perhaps narrow-minded, in particular because it puts control of life, one's spousal relationship and everything external to me (and the other person).

Why does this irk me so?

Because I believe in the power of choice. That there isn't just an external force that will just make everything work out perfectly (and anyone with a small amount of relationship experience will tell you it never works out perfectly -that's just a fact of life), I need to work hard and choose that person every day. I need to choose to make it work, choose to respect and dedicate myself to them and to the relationship, dedicate myself to fulfilling their needs and trust that they do the same.

The ideas of having a bashert and working hard on myself are, quite likely, not mutually exclusive. But trading in the latter for the former is just a cop-out, because it's easier to point the finger elsewhere then to ask if I'm really making myself ready and available. If I'm asking "can I make this work?" and focusing on building all the necessary skills to make a relationship work with practically any person who I find attractive and is working on those skills too... then its The Almighty's job to search and tweak the circumstances to put us together. And he's good at that.


  1. I am also of the opinion that amongst ALL the frum men in the world, I can only make a life with one? Seriously?

    I find that I am always quick to overlook a date's faults. I am always willing to give them a chance, unless it's a real "hell no."

    My view always is that as a female, it is not my job to pursue men. Men were the ones on the mountaintops on Tu B'Av and Yom Kippur, watching the dancing bachelorettes and made their move.

  2. @ Princess Lea - I agree.

    There's a difference between searching and being bold, brazen and confident in pursuing a woman.

  3. P.S. For some reason watching women dance then was not only okay but encouraged. Now, heaven forbid we sit on the same side and accidentally see one dancing at a wedding.

  4. Maybe not too bold or brazen - that's now classified as stalker.

    As for the dancing - I've been to mixed seating weddings. Although plenty of girls have two left feet (not me).

  5. @Princess Lea - I disagree. Being confident, bold and brazen are good things. Persistence after she says no (we call that not having respect/boundaries)... is stalker-ish. Sneaking around, being indirect, trying to learn everything without interacting with a woman... is stalker-ish.

  6. I'm surprised I only just came across your blog. I agree completely. I wrote a similar post ( to yours and I actually wrote a paper about how Disney influenced the perception that we have on love and marriage.

    Part of finding your bashert is working on yourself. Like you said, the two concepts are not mutually exclusive.