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Oct 4, 2011

I Want Her... I Want Her Not...

I’ve heard men are simple and our relationship choices/perspectives are simple, and generally I’ve found that to be the case. But having a certain straightforwardness when it comes to attraction can lead to its own complications.

There’s this woman, see (it’s always a woman, isn’t it?). Okay, maybe there’s been more than one. But here’s the short –and the long –of it. I meet her; she’s nice, sweet and a wonderful person. But I feel no attraction, so I don’t think much of it. Saying that I move on would imply there was something I’d been stuck on, but in that sense it was really straightforward for me.

No attraction = non-starter.

Nothing starts. But I live in a community, and –as these stories go –I see her around. We interact. We happen to spend time together. Nothing particularly planned or thought out, per se. It just “happens.” (That coming from a guy who has no trouble making a move). No, this is coincidental.

But then I start to see things. Things about her character that grab my attention. Thoughts that nibble at my mind when I’m not paying attention. Tidbits of comparison when I think about the woman I’ve started (or recently ended) dating.

Nibble-nibble, munch-munch; gobble-gobble, crunch-crunch.

Suddenly I find myself wondering if we’d be compatible. The thoughts swallow up whatever else happened to be on my mind. I see in her the things I value in a woman, things I want in a wife. It’s striking a chord, resonating within me.

I see her, and I’m stricken with her character; I admire her. But I don’t feel attraction, I’m not smitten with attraction. I torture myself a bit about it. I wonder if there’s something I just need to “get over.” Why can’t I appreciate her that way? Is there something wrong with me? She’s pretty, to be sure… which only implies that there’s something inside me that’s getting in the way.

I let the torture go on, because there’s so much I see in her that I want in a wife. Then I let it go because, well, I’m not feelin’ it… For now.  


This is so much more complicated than I tend to allow for myself. Part of me asks if I'll find such wonderful things in such a combination with another woman. Part of me wonders if she'd even be receptive to the possibility of dating. Part of me keeps saying I should just drop it... after all, it's a non-starter, right?


  1. Because it makes sense is only a reason to seek out a girl, not to take it further if you arent feeling it. There are many ppl out there whom u might be great with. unfortunately when something is missing, something is missing....

  2. sometimes the more you get to know someone the more you like them. sometimes not. sounds like you got to know her by default and it turned out you actually kind of liked her. as far as attraction goes, only you know what you think. you could give it more of a chance now or not but if you think its a solid no than drop it as soon as you think its a solid no. it wouldn't be fair to either of you.

  3. I spent way too much time trying to convince myself to be into guys who are perfect for me but for whom I feel no attraction... I'm sure you'll keep seeing her around... if you ever feel that spark... go for it. Until then, don't.