I didn't reject you
I didn't say
That you are simply
Not enough for me
Or that you are ugly
I learned the hard way
That sometimes
We just cannot be
What the other person needs
I said, once
To a woman
I thought was everything
That I would be
Whatever she needs
And I failed
Miserably
I fell short
Fell indeed
It hurt her
But it hurt me more
I felt inadequate
Like nothing I did
Could be enough
And for me
There is nothing worse
Than not being enough
So when I said
That I don't find you attractive
I meant to say:
"You are beautiful
But I can't appreciate it
No matter how hard I try"
That same inadequacy
You feel
Is in my own heart
I learned the hard way
That sometimes
We just cannot be
What the other person needs
I think sometimes
Maybe I should be
Less blunt
And more gentle
Gentle tore out my heart
Under the guise
Of protection
And I failed
Miserably
I fell short
Fell indeed
Blunt is painful
But honest
Though
The worlds left out
Are often
The ones we need
To say
And to hear
The most
Maybe
When I say
That you cannot
Fulfill my needs
I mean to say
"I cannot become
What is necessary
To get
What I need
From you"
And I failed
Miserably
I fell short
Fell indeed
I learned the hard way
That sometimes
We just cannot be
What the other person needs
(Hat tip to SternGrad for her poem, which inspired this one.)
Rejection is never easy...
ReplyDeleteno matter how nice, respectful, or honest a person is.
If you ask me (which you didn't, but I'll offer my 2 cents anyway), it's always best to be gentle and even LIE in certain cases rather than to be blunt and honest but hurtful.
Ish Yehudi- Very nice response poem! It's nice to see things from the guy's perspective. I agree with Sefardi Gal in that it is not always best to be honest, it is better to avoid hurting feelings. Probably most people will disagree with what I am about to say, but I would personally rather not know why a guy does not want to go out with me or is breaking up with me, unless it's been more than just a few dates and things are serious. If things aren't serious yet, then I'm not so emotionally attached and all I want to know is: He is not interested. I know some girls hate that and then spend the next week tearing their hair out wondering "why did he say no??" but honestly, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is that you're not meant to be together, and if I know the reason then I'll spend the next week thinking about what is wrong with me. I'd rather just hear that for whatever reason, it's not a good match.
ReplyDeleteAlso- you should never tell a girl that she is not attractive- I think it is better to just say you're not interested. I don't think you should even say that to a shadchan, unless you're trying to help them figure out your "type." The bottom line is that for most girls, there will always be guys who don't find them attractive and always be guys who do.
Okay, Ish, the girls are going to have a field day.
ReplyDeleteThe fact is, not every girl is meant for every guy. So very often, while a male or female may be writhing in the agony of rejection, there is still the concept that: "It was nothing personal! I just don't see you as my significant other!"
However, hile today's policy is that honesty is best, it is not so for us Yids. The original shidduch system had a number of safeguards to ensure that a girl's feelings will not get hurt (such as redding her to the guy first, without her knowledge).
You do not envision a future with this girl. That's all right.
But to provide specific reasons as to why she did not appeal to you is uncalled for. What you may see as a character defect can be the very thing that will make another man fall for her. Girls nowadays are fraught with insecurity, and to have a guy say that he doesn't find her attractive can be catastrophic. She may think that no man will ever.
You are not sending this girl back for defective parts. It is not your job to say what she needs to fix.
If a shadchan pushes as to a reason for your thumbs down, just say, "She's not for me." That's it. No further embellishment necessary. Because she is obviously for someone else.
While the (unanimous) unsolicited advice may have truth -namely, that I have made mistakes and caused unintended pain -because I am human, chances are I will hurt others in the future (not intending to do so as I had not intended in my past) and will make amends to the best of my ability. I also continue to learn from those experiences, hoping to grow and be a better person, not to replicate that pain with others.
ReplyDeleteIf that is what y'all were looking for, I grant you this: I have been tactless when there was a better way. I admit freely to those things and work on myself. That I caused any pain, in turn, adds a weight and pain to my own heart.
But I didn't need any of you to tell me that I caused pain or that there is no virtue in causing pain in another. That was not the topic here (though it seemed to quickly become the focus in your comments).
(@ Princess Lea: Never did this piece even hint at implying the message of "sending this girl back for defective parts" -which is an abhorrent concept to begin with -nor would I ever intend to do such a thing. To say that I would is to completely miss the entirety of the meaning underlying my words.)
What I wrote here was not about my present, but about my past, the things I said (and I acknowledged that my words caused pain) and a glimpse at what I felt in my heart.
But there is more to this piece. Much more. I read it over more than a dozen times, and each time I found something deeper within myself etched on the page. Something beautiful. Something worth sharing.
And I challenge anyone who reads this piece to see beyond the moment my words regrettably led to pain in another human being.
Being girls, we focus strictly on the parts that get to us :)
ReplyDeleteI have gone out with such . . . I'm trying to find the right word . . . will jackasses do? And I have lied, oh, how I have lied. "Yes, I had a nice time, but he and I are on different wavelengths." "Well, I can't say what it was about him exactly, but I don't think he's for me."
The above paragraph was detailing my fatalistic approach to other people. Please God (except for Greedo) I will not have to come across these fellows again. The universe can have them.
"Blunt is painful
But honest
Though
The worlds left out
Are often
The ones we need
To say
And to hear
The most"
I'm not sure what this verse is meant to convey - that honesty is the best policy? Or that you misspoke? What was it that she needed to hear that you had to share?
@ Princess Lea,
ReplyDeleteI'm hearing the beginnings of a double-standard, and I'd like to juxtapose what I'm hearing to see if I'm misunderstanding you.
In regards to a man's experience with a woman: "What you may see as a character defect can be the very thing that will make another man fall for her." Which is reasonable, we don't all think alike, nor do we all want (and find attractive) the same things.
Whereas some women's (or perhaps some of your own personal) experience of some men as them being jerks and your comment is: "The universe can have them." But here I'm understanding a negative judgment. There is no comment or implication about some other woman finding such a man's style as attractive (in a positive way), even if he comes off to one woman (or many women) as offensive.
On the one hand, there's a push not to judge (and I note it is said by women) but on the other hand, I'm hearing negative judgment (and I note this is about some/certain men).
Can you help me understand better?
~~
Regarding your question on the poem, at a basic level (and taken on its own), that single verse describes blunt honesty as getting to the point, often without conveying all the subtleties and important thoughts and feelings that may be essential to communicate along with the point itself.
This point should (of course) be taken in context of the verse(s) preceding and following, because there's more to the overall message than just that point.
There is a difference between internal judgment and stating your opinions. I was not saying that you cannot form an opinion of a girl you go out with, or any other individual.
ReplyDeleteI do not VOICE my opinion of them to them or to the shadchanim. I say, simply, that they are not for me, which is true. Short and sweet.
One of the tenets of the Jewish faith is that thoughts are not subject to punishment. Meaning thoughts of judgment are not subject to retribution, although not encouraged. Voicing negative opinions is acting upon them.
And the jerks that I have gone out with HAVE married - by the universe having them, obviously another girl can have him as well. I'm not seeing how this is a double standard.
In terms of the blunt honesty, again, what was being said without subtleties? Did anything have to be said at all?