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Sep 3, 2011

When Giving Him the Boot...

Ladies, next time you tell a guy you're not interested or that "you don't feel it," here are a few of things NOT to say/do when you give him the boot (Just in case it wasn't made clear... I was dumped recently):

1) Don't start with "Do you have time to talk? I need to talk to you about something..." and follow it up with "I'll call you shortly" but take over forever to actually call him.

2) Do NOT gush about how great he is when you're dumping him. It's super confusing. Yes, I understand intellectually that there are great people that aren't meant for each other and flattery (or ego stroking) is nice, but it's not the time to tell him both things at once. It's emotionally confusing and sends mixed messages to the guy.

3) Don't say: "I'm in [some other city] and a bunch of shadchanim have been trying to set me up with guys since I got here." It's tactless and gratuitous jabbing.


And here is a recap of my stats for the summer: 

Number of women suggested: 26

Number of women I "declined": 17
Number of women I "accepted": 9
Number of women who "declined" me (or were busy): 6
Number of women who "accepted" me: 3

Total number of women I dated: 3
Number of women I dumped: 0
Number of women who dumped me: 3

All in all, a busy summer, though I didn't expect it would take so much time to get dating... I've also noticed that a lot of women will decide on a guy based on how she feels for him, despite/irrespective of his character.


  1. "..lot of women will decide on a guy based on how she feels for him despite his character" Doesn't that go hand and hand?? A feeling is definitely something strong and perhaps sometimes not perfectly rational, but that also why we are females.
    Im sorry to hear it hasn't worked out

  2. @ Yedid Nefesh: Perhaps, and I'm sure many aspects of it do. But after hearing several times that I'm a "great guy" whose future wife will be super fortunate... I've been reflecting on the difference.

    I don't doubt my character, or my value as a Man, husband, or father in that regard. And yet I've heard the cliched line "I just don't feel it" repeatedly.

    Maybe it is just a cliche, maybe it really doesn't mean anything.

    But given that I hear about myself -from all different sources/people around me aside from the women I date -all the most wonderful compliments about my character and value as a husband/father, there's something else going on.

    Any thoughts or insight would be appreciated.

  3. I know you only by your blog so I will probably say nonsense but is it possible that you are much more mature and "built" than the women you date and they are afraid by your self-assurance? When I was youger and less developed, I wasn't feeling comfortable with people strong and sur of themselves, as if they didn't let enough "space" for the little one I was.

    Another idea I have sometimes but I didn't think a lot about that : men who can be women's best friend seem to be less attractive for women.

    Hatslaha, this shiddoukhim process seems very very hard...

  4. So what should a girl say if she just isn't feeling it?

  5. You being a great guy with amazing qualities does not mean you are eligible or compatible with every woman. So when a girl says she doesnt feel it, its isnt related to a maturity level nor to a lie, it just means you're not meant for each other. The same girl who says she doesnt feel it might walk away and tell others she just dated an amazing guy, great in many aspects but she didnt feel it = wasn't for her. Happens all the time

  6. Perhaps I misunderstood, but I'd gathered from your first comment that how a woman feels about a man is tied into (her experience of) his character.

    While I don't expect every woman to fall in love with me (or want to marry me), if a woman's feelings are tied into his character, it makes me wonder if there's something specific I'm missing here.

    Seems like that's not the case, though. Thanks for your input!

  7. Of course part of a woman's feelings are tied to his character but if a man's character were THE deciding factor in her feelings, then every great guy out there would have hundreds of girls in love with him (and the same logic would apply for all the great women out there).

    A man's character and middot, which are the foundation of everything else, DO contribute to a woman's feelings. However, there are some things that just not tangible and one cannot explain why or how she/he feels. There is the component of chemistry, which is not solely based on looks either. A person doesn't have to be objectively attractive in order to be attracting. Attraction really depends on each person and couple--there is no way to predict that (though I think personality play a huge role). I believe it is the mixture of a man's character, personality and chemistry between them that feeds the feelings of a woman.

    I know it hurts when you've invested into something and now suddenly that which you had hoped could blossom seems to have shriveled. Do not think it is a reflection of your character, middot or persona. I know it sounds cliche but "its not you". I would change it to "its not you, its us". You might be great but the "us", that combo, might not be a good fit.

  8. Oh, I think they're tangible. I think it's all understandable and explainable, even if most people don't get it. Or think about it, or feel they can articulate what they experience and why.

    While it's true that each individual has a unique set of experiences and history, and that many of their tastes and preferences may be shaped by them, I do think that women (and men) respond better to certain things than others.

    The point here is to learn. To understand. To grow. I'm not concerned for my ego or my feelings, B"H I can handle them myself.

    But if I can learn to understand the forces, the things that we respond well to (or don't) and gain more insight, I may do better next time.

    Then I can learn how to find/figure out or what makes the woman I'm on a date with swoon, and show her what makes me swoon too.

  9. I am also very into thinking about WHY I feel something and knowing myself well, but I also think that something like attraction/connection is not tangible. You might be able to decipher the things that lead to that, but not the thing itself, you know what I mean?

    You can learn some generic things based on experience and you can prob sit down and write down what has worked and what hasn't, but at the end of the day, each person might get "swooned" by different things... (e.g. some women love flowers and some don't like them at all, some like to have the door held open and some find it demeaning, complementing might be nice or it might be creepy, etc)