The Breaker

Over here, I posted my recent dating record, and one thing that stands out to me is that I haven't yet rejected an option for another date. Part of that is my belief that you don't really know a person after spending just a few hours with them and refusal to make the blind assumption I do (if I've got an issue, I'd rather confront them about it and see if we can understand one another and work through it; that's kind of an important skill in life and relationships). I'll note that I have broken off relationships in the past, and I have been dumped; it is painful and tough to deal with.

But to that point, Tania posted here that when a guy breaks up with a woman, she has the right to consider him a jerk for it (and vice versa, since she notes at the end she's willing to "pay the price.")

I think that is ridiculous.

If you have to berate someone (even just in your own mind) in order to get over them, that's a difficulty you have with how you are feeling. Yes, it's (very) painful. But tearing him (or her) down for your own gratification or justification is immature and just awful. Own up to the reasons, if there are any. Listen and internalize any feedback, if you can learn and gain something from the experience.

It comes from the assumption and position that if/when a guy hurts a woman's feelings he's a jerk. That's the kind of thinking that leads to generalizations and beliefs that all men are jerks, and a deep-seeded fear in men to do or say anything that would be emotionally painful or hurtful to a woman (i.e. the prototypical pushover nice-guy who keeps apologizing for everything). While I believe being empathetic and sensitive are positive character traits that should be encouraged and cultivated, pushing fear on a man (or men, or women for that matter) is nothing short of abuse, especially within a relationship.

You want to double-bind a man to either (a) stay in the relationship when he's unsatisfied/unhappy and be a jerk for leading her on (out of fear for hurting her) or otherwise (b) be forever considered a jerk for dumping her?!

On a different track, what if -heaven forbid! -in a relationship the man does something that is hurtful; not that he intends to hurt (and how many of us do?), but when his actions or words have consequences he did not expect or consider? He's a jerk for it? Undeserving of the relationship? Undeserving of love? For making a mistake?

Utter ridiculousness.

Some people even berate the guy to their other friends (or their friends will berate him to her) to help her feel better; spreading that kind of venom can really hurt a man's reputation and reduce his Shidduch opportunity. Which is a whole other issue that infuriates me. Even when I talk to people about my dating experiences I am always extremely careful about names and identifying information; I take care in how I speak about others, especially those I date and I often spend more time talking about the positive than my own frustrations or concerns.

People can be wonderful and not for each other. They can date and break up and that can be painful and tough to deal with. And people can learn to deal with the pain (without having to blame or tear at each others' character). I hope we are not so weak or immature that we must tear another person down rather than face our own pain. I shudder to think what that means for a relationship if they can't handle the pain and feel the need to rip at each other to avoid their own feelings.